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Winchester 

Sporting Goods 

Athletic Goods 



Hardware 



The Mutual 

Plumbing and Heating Co. 
Amherst 



The proprietor of the hotel handed Abraham the 
bill for the night's lodging. Abraham took it and 
eyed it in mock cynicism and said, "Oi, here you 
charge for bath — I had no bath! I just sleep!" 

The proprietor was a casual sort of a human so 
he explained as best he could, "Well, this hotel is 
run on the American Plan, the bath was there for 
you, I couldn't help that you didn't use it." 

So Abraham scratched his head a bit, then pro- 
ceeded to make out a similar bill which he handed 
to the proprietor who was somewhat perplexed and 
asked, "What's this bill for?" 

"Oi, dots for kissing my wife — darkmail as it 



was 



"But I didn't kiss your wife!" replied the as- 
tounded proprietor. 

Then Abraham smiled his smile of assurance and 
said, "Veil, I couldn't help dot you didn't kiss her — 
she vas dere for you!" 

— Yelloiv Jacket 



Why is Joe's nose like the Brooklyn Bridge? 

I dunno. Why? 

Because so many schooners pass beneath it. 

— Bean-pot 



A preacher fell down and a newsboy went to his 
assistance. The reverend gentleman said: "You 
couldn't help a big man like me." 

"Sure thing," replied the boy, "I helped my dad 
to his feet when he was drunker than you are." 

— Mugwump 



No, Professor, I'm not asking anything for my- 
self, but I wish you'd send good marks home to the 



governor. 



— Stone 



An Irishman was seated in a train beside a pomp- 
ous individual who was accompanied by a dog. 

"Foine dog ye have," said the Irishman. "Phwat 
kind is it?" 

"A- cross between an Irishman and an ape," 
the man replied. 

"Shure an it's related to both of us," the Irishman 
rejoined. 

— Bison 



He: Let's sit out this dance. I have a game 
knee. 

She: Well — er — just how game? 

— Black and Blue Jay 



Weather Report — 

"Rain and cold for November." 



It will soon be here — 
the overcoat is now. 

Just the kind the boy 
will stand for — com- 
fort and good looks. 

Mother will endorse 
the quality. 

Dad will appreciate 
the value, at $23.50 
to $50.00. 



MERRITT CLARK & CO. 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



Amherst Shoe Repairing Co. 

A Modern Shop rendering one of 
the Best Services in the State. 

High Grade Shoe Repairing with 
Goodyear Welt official System. 
(Also while you wait). 

Expert Hat Renovating — Powder- 
less WHITE KID GLOVE Clean- 
ing — Permanent Shoe Dyeing. 

Shoe Treating (commonly shine) 

Only skilled hands employed. 

We solicit your patronage on 
quality basis. 

Amherst Shoe Repairing Co. 

10 Main Street, Amherst, Mass. 



TEL. CONN. 



He was only six. His dearest possession was his 
dog Paddy. When Paddy met a street car and got 
the worst of the argument, his mother feared to 
break the news. But it had to be. She said: 

"Paddy has been run over and killed." 

He took it quietly, like a little man. But at bed- 
time his shrieks echoed through the house. His 
mother rushed upstairs to comfort him. 

"Nurse says," he sobbed, "that Paddy has been 
run over and killed." 

"But, dear, when I told you that at dinner you 
didn't seem to mind." 

"No; but, mamma, — but I didn't know you 
said Paddy. I — thought you said daddy." 

— Black and Blue Jai/ 



SING LEE 

Main Street 

Purest Laundry 



Damerst & Fotos 

Shoe Store System 



Damerst & Fotos Shoe Store System means, 
Better Footwear, backed up with a Genuine 
Guarantee, worked out on the Basis that you 
must be pleased. It means: Courteous, 
Thoughtful, Competent attention to all de- 
tails, with a view of selling only the kind of 
footwear that will render you Entire Satis- 
faction. — Such service is designed to win 
"good will," the one asset of greatest Value, 
and the hardest to gain — it comes as a reward 
for faithful service properly performed. 

A sincere thanks to you is included in 
Damerst & Potos Shoe Store, that expresses a 
Genuine desire on the part of the Salesman 
representing the management to show our 
appreciation for your patronage. 

Remember please that Damerst & Fotos 
assure you a perfect fitting, with a high grade 
Footwear, or money refunded. 

Damerst & Fotos Shoe Store 

16 Main Street, Amherst, Mass. 

Tel. 449 R 
Agency: W. L. Douglas Shoes and U. S. Rubbers 



She: I like those pearls that girl has around her 
neck. 

He: I like the neck better. 

— Texas Ranger 



I: What is the "Divine Right of Kings?" 
Pass: To better everything except aces. 

— Virginia Reel 



Little Tommy had a sore toe, so his mother 
thought this a good opportunity to make him eat his 
cereal. 

"Tommy," she said, "if you eat your oatmeal, it 
will cure your toe." 

Shortly afterward Tommy came to his mother with 
a very disgusted air. 

"I ate my cereal," he said, "but my toe isn't any 
better. I guess the darn stuff went down the wrong 
leg." 

— Judge 



NATURALLY 

Ike: What do you think of Ford as a Presidential 
possibility. 

Mike: Fine! He has the makings of another 
Lincoln. 

— Pitt Panther 



The Essex Lunch 



Open 6:00 A. M. 

The only up-to-date 
Restaurant in Town 



Low Prices — High Qualities 



We believe that a large business with 
small profits yields the greatest in- 
come. Lunches put up to be taken 
out. 






^ije College g>tuoio 

Photographs that Show Your 
Character 



Large Groups and Class work 



Meal Tickets: 
$5.50 for $5.00 in Cash 

( Good any time) 



241 Main Street 

Northampton 






Just Arrived: Gosh, I'm starved. All the vend- 
er had on the train were magazines and cards. 

Meetintg Him: Well, why didn't you buy a deck 
of cards? 

Just Arrived: Cards, you can't eat cards. 

Meeting Him: Oh, yes. You could have made 
yourself a Club Sandwich. 

— Virginia Reel 



If you kiss a girl on the forehead will she call you 
down? 

— Yellow Jacket 



Farmer Brown: I've got a new pig and I named 
him Ink. 

Neighbor: What's the idea? Is he black? 

Farmer Brown: No, but he's always getting out 
of the pen and running all over. 

— Colorado Dodo 



THE EVILS OF HEREDITY 

The wife of the man who, in his youth, wrote 
jokes for a college humor magazine, was telling 
little Georgie a bedtime story. 

"And then the little boy kissed the little girl. 
Why do you suppose he did that?" 

"They had come to a tunnel." 

— Brown Bull 



Everything- to write with, 
to write upon, to figure 
upon, and draw upon. 




A. J. HASTINGS 

NEWSDEALER 
and STATIONER 



®o tije Jfrosif) 

Co tfte frosty, all fjatl ! 

^>quibtjp greets pou. 

i£>i)e tntritesi pou 
Co fjer fun anb r&pme, 
Co fjer quips anb cranks: 

Co enjop a moment, 

Cfjen lie cast assibe. 

Co tfje frosty, all fjail! 

Jfun's tdortij toijtle, 

g>quibbp fjelpsi pou 
Co be glab anb free, 
Co be merrp anb toisie. 

g>o set asiibe pour toorries; 

Cum pour lips in simile. 



To the Frosh 



November, 1923 




-idaaaaai 

O^S — dDDDODDDai 

4DDoaaDDni 

ZIODDDI 

ooaaai 

SDOOODi 
DSSp(7^BaQ\ 

lOiiUcASmaarA 
• ~~f^M,nr Q i 

Bd 

OD 

%„ . 

loaaa 

^00 ODD 

'oaadao 

'DDDDDa 

•aaoooa 



1DQDI 
1DDODI 



anaoao <Oj 

IfaDDDnaoaD. v. 
oriaoaoaa \J* 

pDDDDDDDCi 

paaDDDaa^ 
aaoDDQQO 
□aoaoQaa 

DDQDDQDD 

DDOODODtt 

aaooQaoo 

aoaaaoo 
aaapaao 

DOlIBl1DODCIQ£>D 

nnnnnnnpa.'- 
I MM ii, iinF Tl'lFiTl 

r 

□ 
ar 

DOO 

aar 
aar 

QDDP-. 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



MANAGING EDITOR 

R. NOYES, '$ 



EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 



BUSINESS MANAGER 

L. HALE, '25 



ART EDITOR 

H. E. FRASER, '26 

LITERARY DEPARTMENT 

M. T. BOYD, '26 

M. M. MacMASTERS, '26 



ADVERTISING MANAGER 

W. G. RHODES, '24 

LITERARY EDITOR 

F. BRUNER, '24 

EXCHANGE EDITOR 

W. F. PRATT, '24 



CIRCULATION MANAGER 

G. W. HANSCOMB, '25 

BUSINESS DEPARTMENT 

V. PIERCE, '25 
B. NEEDHAM, '26 
H. LINDSCOG, '26 
H. RICHARDSON, '26 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
in the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be ad- 
dressed to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do 
not receive copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single 
copies 35 cents. Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 

Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



WILLIE shot a crow the other day, — and A 
Willie's been crowing ever since. ■**• 



STITCH in time saves embarrassment. 



THE SQUIB 



A ROUGH DAY ON THE BAY 

EMINDS me of a swell hotel here." 
Yes, see all the bell-buoys." 
Sure, they're being tipped by the swells." 



R 



'Did you see the stude baker last night?" 
'Yes, all lit up." 




PROF: John, why are you looking at your watch 
so often? 
Stude: Er — I was afraid that you would not 
have time to finish your interesting lecture, sir. 



A BIT OF ADVICE 



NOW frosh, be good or you'll be sad. 
(A pond party we want to see!) 
Just mind your step and don't act bad. 
("A pond party!" is the Sophomore's plea.) 

Salute each prof, and seniors grand. 

("Rah for a party," hear them shout.) 
Pass in a file, not in a band. 

(Ho, for the pond ! Get the paddles out !) 



MA : Baby swallowed a penny today. 
Pa: It's a good thing it wasn't a Canadian 
penny. 

Ma: Why so? 

Pa: They don't pass in this country. 



Work on the field for your glorious fame. 

(Ha, that's the call to the party I hear.) 
Maybe the Senate will not have your name. 

(On to where that splash rings clear.) 

Forget no nines, jump every one. 

("On to the party!" sing we in glee.) 
Don't try on a Soph your wicked pun. 

(No, save it, my child, and give it to me.) 



Stude — What time is it? 

Second Ditto — Friday. 

Stude — Well, I gotta get off here. 



TT ENGLISHMAN: 'Eat a pile o' water, 'Arry. 
1 J. Ditto: Naw, the pile will leak if you 'eat it. 



S 



CAPTAIN (to seasick sailor) : Come, come, my 

man, this will never do. You must conquer ""IX/HEN I pet her," said Tom Potter, "then her 
your weakness. Remember the words of our great ▼ ▼ heart goes pitter-patter. If I was a poorer 

hero, "Don't give up the ship." petter, if I did not pet but putter, then whenever 

S. S. S.: If I don't, it will be the only thing I I did pet her, it would not go so pitter-patter," said 

haven't, sir! the petting king, Tom Potter. 



THE SQUIB 



' I A HE clock just struck. 
■*- I don't hear it. 
That's it, it's on a strike for shorter hours, and 
time and a half for overtime. 



'HE lightning often presents a striking appear- 
ance. 



'HE Boy: Can I have the afternoon off ? I have 
to go to my grandmother's funeral. 
The Boss: You can not. You went to your 
grandmother's funeral last week, — in fact, you have 
been going to her funeral for the last two years. Do 
you mean to say that your grandfather had ten 
wives? 

The Boy: Nossir, twenty. He was a Morman. 



HE : Will it be all right if I come over tomorrow 
night? 
She: No: I have a party on. Come over some- 
time when I have nothing on for the evening. 



w 



ELL, I've got to plug now." 

"Going to have a corking time, eh?" 



I HEAR you had a 
date with Jack 
last night ? 

"Yes, but he's more of 
a financier than a date." 
"Says which?" 
"Not much principle, 
but lots of interest." 




HE : What are those frosh talking about? 
She: They are discussing whether they'll 
refuse to wear their frosh caps and jump nines or not. 
He: Well, that isn't a very dry subject. 



I'LL lick you," said 
the boy, as he pro- 



ceeded to moisten 
postage stamp. 



the 



'S FUNNY WORLD 

ON the east side of 
Long Island you 
hear the sea, on t'other 
side you see the sound. 



1 



FAMOUS MISQUOTATIONS 

"The die is cast." 

Caesar crossed the Rubicon in a creaking one- 
horse chariot, jolted against a stone and fell headlong 
into the water. When he climbed out his toga 
dripped limply, but when it was dry again, the purple 
shone as splendidly as ever. What Caesar really 
said was: "The dve is fast." 



THIS ISSUE'S MEANEST CRITTER 

"jX/TRS. (to drug clerk): May I have a two-cent 
•*■"■*- stamp? Yes, — and charge it, please. 
D. C: Want it delivered, too? 



OUR own favorite ditty is, "Though she daubs 
her face with color, she is not a colored girl." 



THE SQUIB 



Editorials 



^V^AUGHTER is the hall-mark of man, his "Sterling" stamp, his trade-mark. He is the "animal 
jl ♦ that laughs". So, of course, the man who doesn't laugh, — or won't — must be classed with 

Fj^J, the dumb brutes. We mean, jusl plain dumb. Equally, of course, its humorous publication, 

which gives what it gets in the way of humor, is a measure of a college dumbness, — and it 
goes far and wide shouting its quality. You know — we know — Aggie men are no dumb- 
bells, and it's up to them (which means you) to make Squib a true Aggie representative. When a thought 
hits a funny spot, or something happens that hands you a laugh, write it up in two lines or two hundred, 
joke, verse, or full-page spread, and send it in. If you aren't strong on the writing stuff yourself, pass it 
on to someone who is. Remember this, Squib is what you make it, — make it good! We suggest for the 
year's slogan, "Don't Crab. Contribute". 



ACCORDING to tradition we dedicate this issue to the Frosh. Frosh, you have been advised, 
cajoled, bulldozed, beaten, and worst of all, made to work. Now comes Squibby's turn. 
Take a deep breath, look around at the world and dive in. After all, this old world is a pretty 
good place to live in and things really are a lot brighter than they look from the outside. 
A smile, or better still, a hearty laugh, goes a long way in making this world more safe and 
sane to live in. Don't let the Sophs get an idea that you are happy; there might be trouble. Just retire 
into some secluded corner, pull Squibby out of your pocket, look therein, and you'll be merry. When you 
have cheered yourself to the proper pitch, look ahead and you will see that you too will some day be a Senior 
(the Profs permitting) with a big (?) moustache and an austere expression. Then read Squibby and 
remember that a smile is a great institution and if you scowl you grow skinny but if you laugh you live 
long. Give Squibby his chance and he will prove his worth. Read on, Macduff. 




THE SQUIB 



TIME EXPOSURE OF A GIRL STUDYING 



9 



00 Sits down at desk and opens book. 
9.01 Looks at it. 

9.02 Looks up at the wall. 

9. 023^2 Gets up and straightens picture on same. 

9.03 Looks in mirror. 
Powders her nose. 

Does a little manicuring on the side. 
Does a little reconstruction work with a 
comb. 

Goes back to desk. 
Looks at book again. 
Reads, "Et il dit, je vous aime " 



9.04 
9.05 
9.06 



9.07 
9.08 
9.09 
9.10 
9.11 



Thinks about that date last night. 

Gets out her Index and looks at his picture. 
9.12-17 Decides he is much better-looking than 

that old picture. 
9.18 Powders her nose. 

9.20 Picks up the book again. 
9.203^2 Looks at a hole in her stocking. 

9.21 Tries to decide whether to mend it or not. 

9.22 Decides it won't show anyway. 

9.23 Hears shrieks of mirth down the corridor. 
9.233^2 Goes down to hear the latest. 
9.24-10.24 Hears it. 

10.25 Comes back and looks at book from a dis- 
tance. 

10.26 Decides she doesn't need to study anyway. 

10.27 Parks "Wild Love in the Desert" on top 
of it. 

10.28-48 Reads with great concentration, chewing- 
peanuts pensively as she peruses pages. 

10.49 She is going to undress now. We'd better 
come back later. 



10.59 Gives hair a last weeding. Musses up the 
cold cream. Powders her nose. 

10.59H Turns out the light. 

11.00 R. I. U. P.— meaning Rest In Un- 
Preparedness. 



I 



F a man were crazy about plumbs — he'd be 

plum crazy. 
Yes, Ignatz, a plumber, too. 



[ HAVE but one request to make," said the 
A newly-employed college man on the farm, 
"and that is, that I be allowed to remain in bed long- 
enough for the lamp chimney to cool off." 



WHAT was Jupiter's weapon, Miss K.?" 
"The lightning-rod, sir." 



OUR idea of nothing at all was formed the other 
day when a Frosh asked us where Lover's 
Lane was. 



THAT girl will sit on him after she gets him." 
"? 



She does that already." 



M 



Y mind to me a harem is, and all my thoughts 
are wives. 



A ND we heard this from our kid neighbor in high 
-^*- school: — 

"She appeared to herself in her sleep as her dead 
husband's ghost." 

That's almost as complicated as the one we heard 
on campus the other day : — 

"The women go to Paris for a new hat, a new 
dress, and a new divorce, and come back with a new 
husband, and go to a hotel for dinner with their old 
wife." 



THE SQUIB 



%5eej <ji't-L ♦ 

*5 /ta/-ct * 

bold He <?e.t& 
en. bolder- , 
//e/- h.e.<xcL 
O'pon- h, is 

■s/lou I d e*- ^ 
Z.ovei if i 




THE SQUIB 



TAKE ANY ONE 

EILA slings a wicked line and her dancing is 
■*" - * divine, and her clothes are snappy; 
Smokes the sort of cigarette that I like — knows 
where to get the juice that makes you happy. 

Cuddles close 
When in a car; 
Gosh! how good 
Her kisses are! 

Betty stays at home and sews, making all her pretty 

clothes, and cooks to beat the Ritz. 
Modest, soft-voiced and demure (no petting stuff for 

her, that's sure), a drink would give her fits. 

Girls like that 
Are rare nowadays. 
I hand a lot 
To Betty's ways. 

Lately I have had a hunch that I'd better shake the 

bunch and pick me out a wife ; 
Now from those two (if I should try it), which one, 

for a steady diet, should I grab for life? 

That's easy, says you offhand and careless. You 
can't live on love and lipstick, but you can do a 
whole lot on steak and apple pie. Then consider the 
upkeep. These sporting models come high and go 
easy. Your head works, old boy — so why not work 
it? That's our advice, work it. 

Yeah, says I — well — 

Thank you for your kind advice 
But it came too late. 
I married Leila yesterday. 
The why I'll now relate. 
I may get hungry, but I'll never be bored! ! ! 




w 



E think this is pretty good — make up a title 
to suit yourself. 



rpEMPERATURE 110 in the shade, and no 
shade — humidity, fierce! 

A young grocery clerk was waiting on trade in his 
shirt sleeves. 

A dignified, elderly lady entered. "Young man," 
she said, "where is your coat? I should think you'd 
be ashamed to appear before customers in your shirt 
sleeves." 

"Madame," replied the youth, "if it gets any 
hotter tomorrow you'll find me in my B.V.D.'s, and 
if it gets any hotter the day after that — why I — 
won't work." 



" TV /TY son is a Turkish artist." 

"Never heard of one. What does he draw? " 
"Turkish baths." 



L^ XHAUSTED Channel Swimmer (wading 
■^■"^ ashore) : I have just swum from England. 
Blase Official: Your passport, M'sieur. 



THE SQUIB 



"IV/TRS. Newly- Wed (to mother-in-law): Mother, 
dear, how do you cook soft-boiled eggs? I've 
boiled 'em half an hour and they aren't soft yet. 



She is so dumb that she thinks that all the 
women in Paris are parisites. 



/^lEE, aren't quotations funny things? This is 
^* what I saw the other day. 

"If Jonson's learned sock be on" 

"And the mute silence hist along" 

Why is the Lady in "Comus" not afraid? 

Golly, we wonder why she wasn't afraid, too. The 
sock and this hissing silence must be "powerful 
strong". 

S 

'VE found a lot of new wrinkles about beds," 
said the convalescent inventor as he sat up for 
the first time in two weeks. 

S 



T'VE caught a little cold and feel all played out," 

said Miss Fiddle to her beau after the dance. ^ ne hall 3 

"I'm a bit horse myself," enjoined her partner. 



F F you stepped out of the bathtub and slipped on 
the soap, would that be enough to wear through 



PARIS TO HELEN: VERY MUCH B. C. 

"JVJOW if I answer true the question that you 

Have asked of me, Helen, my dear — 
First assure me you won't be offended, and don't 

Throw me down for that damn charioteer. 
Your eyelashes long, dear, inspire me to song, 

And the wonderful tints of your cheek, 
And the white of your brow and your red lips — O how 

Of your thousand-fold charms can I speak? 
Yet you say I am cold. Yes you did ! for you told 

That to Ajax, who promptly told me. 
"When he took me out walking he spent the time 
talking, 

The reason I simply can't see." 
Now dear, for a fact it wasn't a lack 

Of beauty, — you'd charm a stone saint! 
It was just that your face had a newly-made grace 

That warned me I'd best mind the paint ! 



SATHi M.Q.HSP- ' 




o h 



hubby! Aren't you ready yet? 
"No — confound it. The moths have eaten 
holes in the darn thing." 

"A few moth-holes won't hurt " 

"But, wifey, they've eaten 'em just where they 
shouldn't." 



THE SQUIB 



THE PURIST AND THE PIPPIN 

f I ^HIS playlet is to be presented in one scene and The Pippin (thoughtfully*) : Well, old sport, you 

no scenes. When the curtain rises the Purist sure have got mine. 

is discovered sitting in the shade of an apple tree, The Purist: Your what? 

rehearsing his speech for the Annual Assembly of T he Pippin: Goat, you dumb-bell. You sure have 

Associated English Instructors. He is fairly young t me buffaloed! 

and very precise. He speaks : The p URIST (wUh suMm comprehension) . Ah> now 

The Purist: English, I repeat, is the ultimate I understand. Poor girl, you are the victim of a 

medium of thought translation. Therefore, the delusion. I am a professor, not the keeper of a 

purity of English must be carefully preserved, menagerie. 

Slang, the insidious enemy of purity, in some wise The Pippin: Hey, come off your perch, you 

resembles the apple which our forefathers ate in cuckoo! 

Eden, and which induced chaos and destruction. The p URIST (fi rm l y ) : You will find a circus at the 

Let us not, then, eat of the apple foot of this hill . ( He pushes her down the s i ope j 

The Pippin (appearing suddenly) : Naw, you can't, Good-bye. 

not without'en you have a ladder. The tree's too The p IPPIN (surprised, but getting her cue,— she 

high- heard Tostis song at Keith's once) : Forever! 

The Purist (astounded) : I beg your pardon? There ig & short ^^ while ^ Purist lookg down 

The Pippin: Sure — whatd'ye do? the slope and s hakes his head in a meditative 

The Purist: Do? fashion. Then he turns back to the tree, and resumes 

The Pippin: Well, you were beefing about a his interrupted peroration. 

pardon, — say, what are you anyway, a nut? The Purist: " let us not, then, eat of the 

The Purist: I hardly think I resemble an in- apple — " 

dehiscent fruit. You can readily see that I possess From the bottom of the hill the Pippin's voice 

no woody pericarp, such as comes floating up in a farewell phrase, for she is a 

The Pippin: My gawd, Lizzie! Quit kidding me! thoroughly modern girl, and refuses to admit that 

The Purist: I am utterly at a loss to follow you. any mere man can defeat her. 

There was no mention of young goats. The Pippin: Applesauce, kid, all applesauce! 

THE END 



THE SQUIB 



COED : What do tink of the latest movement we 
girls are starting? 
Frosh : Dunno — Haven't been to a dance for 
longwhile. 



THE last lie: when a man lies dead who has always 
lied in life, his tombstone lies above him. 



THE SAD BALLAD OF ELAINE McGINTY 

Adapted to the sweet, slow, sad music of " Bambalina" 

ELAINE McGINTY was a lady with a past 
extremely shady. 
With a past improper to relate; 
She reformed one fatal Monday just from hearing 
Billy Sunday, 

Gave her bad associates the gate. 
Gave up paint and gave up powder; gave up drink 
and took clam chowder, 

Took a job as parlor-maid, I think. 
Read the Bible every night, and wore stiff corsets, — 
wore them tightened! — 

Dressed demurely mostly in pale pink. 
Now in her former days of vice she'd had a man. By 
some device 

He found her out and hissed "Come outa this!" 
She wept and wailed, she sobbed and pled, her lover 
merely shook his head 

And bent her double in a movie kiss. 
Alas, she'd changed since last he knew her; his 
devotion only slew her — 

All her corset-bones stuck in her side. 
Her temper, like her hair, was torrid ; her revenge was 
simply horrid. 

She meanly said, "Ha-ha, you're fooled!" and 
died. 
For forty -five or so years after there was little cause 
for laughter, 

He lived in a cold stone prison cell; 
In fact, his only cause for laughter was thinking that, 
in the hereafter, 

He'd join Elaine and show her a true hell. 

Moral: The Sheik stuff is out of date. Try 
chloroform. 




JUDGING from the results, some of our seniors 
must have had a tough time trying to uphold 
Aggie's tradition. 



SOME GRAVES OF NATURAL HISTORY 

IHere lies the body of Jonas Clark, 
■ Who played at tag with a ten-foot shark. 

2. Here is the body of Bob Brown sunk, 
He tried to unpack an elephant's trunk. 

3. I hope Smith's body has gone to Heaven; 
For his body nourishes tigers seven. 

4. On a hungry lion did this man try 
The magnetic power of the human eye. 

5. Here rests the remains of Joshua Ford 
Who thought a cobra was a piece of cord. 

6. The giraffe's sore throat, said Silas Pine, 
I'll swab out with some iodine. 

7. He thought he'd try, did Thomas Yose, 
To manicure a mule's hind toes. 

8. I weep o'er the fate of Charles J. Farr, 
He took a skunk in a Pullman car. 

9. Here lie the remains of Sophronia Dove, 
She tried to tame a lynx by love. 



THE SQUIB 



/i/iiiiunumKa*^ 

rmiuuim.'aso 

^/««cia«wr».vv*\ 




"Let me kiss away your tears, sweetheart," he 
whispered passionately. 

She fell into his arms, and he was busy for a 
moment, but the tears flowed on. 

"Can nothing stop them?" he begged. 

"Nothing," she replied. "It's hay fever. But go 
on with the treatment." — Virginia Reel 

S 

Seventy-five million dollars were spent on corsets 
in the United States during 1919. The figures were 
different last year. — Sour Owl 

S 

He (looking at the parlor lamp) : The light's kind of 
feeble. What's the matter with it? 

She (who owns the lamp) : Why shouldn't it be? It 
was out all last night. — Stone Mill 

S 

MUM 

Bill: Is it possible to confide a secret to you? 

Phil: Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave. 

Bill: Well, then, I have pressing need for two 
bucks. 

Phil: Worry not, my friend, It is as if I had 
heard nothing. — Mugwump 

S 

First Cannibal: Our Chief has hay fever. 
Second Cannibal: What brought it on? 
First Cannibal: He ate a grass widow. 

— Bison 

S 

"Your honor, I was not intoxicated." 
"But the officer says that you were trying to 
climb a lamp-post." 

"I was, your honor. A couple of pink crocodiles 
had been following me around, and I don't mind 
telling you that they were getting on my nerves." 

— Bison 



A DRAMA IN THREE LINES 

Scene: A street. Enter a Yellow Taxi, which 
goes half-way down the block, and then suddenly, for 
apparently no reason whatever, stops dead. 

A Man (calling from the back seat) : What's the 
matter? 

A Chauffeur (calling back from the front seat): 
Didn't the young lady say "Stop"? 

A Man: Well, who said she was speaking to you? 
(Curtain) — Virginia Reel 



Pretty girl, 
Summer night, 
Swing and vines, 
June moonlight. 
Nice young boy, 
In the swing, 
Can't you hear 
The diamond ring? 



He: I need my pants pressed. 
She: Where shall we sit? 



— Mugwump 



Pit Panther 



He (in front of her parents) : Here, son, take this 
quarter, and go see the Sheik. 

Buttermilk: If it's all the same to you, I'd just 
as soon stay here and watch you and sister, after 
mamma and papa goes to bed. 

— Yellow Jacket 
S 

She had just come in from the garden with a 
basket full of eggs when her admirer exclaimed, 
"My, what beautiful eggs you have!" No wonder 
she slapped him! — Yellow Jacket 



BEG PAHDON! 

Characters: 

College — He and She 

Place: 

Weekly German 

Time: 

Plenty 



Hello." 

Good evening." 

Nice dance, No?" 

Yes, very." 

Look lonesome." 

Yes?" 

Yes. Feel lonesome?" 

Well, rather." 

Dance?" 

If you wish." 

Sure do!" 

All right." 

% % % 

Hot music!" 

Very!" 

Good dancer." 

Thanks." 

Don't mention it." 

Won't tell a soul." 

Pretty eyes." 

Think so?" 

Certainly!" 

Thanks." 

First year here?" 

Yes." 

Mine too." 

Like it?" 

Beginning to." 

So'm I." 

Gee, I enjoyed that!" 

So'd I." 

Where ya stayin'?" 

Chi Delt House." 

Pledge or transfer?" 

Neither." 

What!?!?" 

Chaperone!" 



— Texas Ranger 



You know what 
Napoleon said about the 
last quarter of an hour! 



E SAI D it is the last quarter of 
an hour that wins battles. In 
some cases, of course, it takes three- 
quarters of an hour. Napoleon was 
speaking of the spirit that wins 
rather than of the time it takes. 

The Toasted Process, for ex- 
ample, takes 45 minutes, but it's 
just that last 45 minutes that seals 
the flavor in and gives LUCKY 
STRIKE the true plantation tang 
of fine tobaccos. It costs a fortune, 
but it saves the flavor. 

And that's worth three-quarters 
of an hour! 






CHANGE TO THE BRAND 
THAT NEVER CHANGES 



%A 



IIS TOASTED' 






Special Re-opening and Holiday 
Trial Offer 

jHitcijei! Beifetn 

Two of our "Beautiful Adelphia Engraved 
Etchings" in 10x14 arona Artists folders. 

Official Photographer 

Smith Seniors 1922-1923 

Index 1924 

Shorthorn 1923 

All sittings by appointment. Make them now and 
avoid the Christmas rush. 

STUDIO: 

STATE AND CENTRAL STREETS 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

Telephone 1735 
OUR MOTTO : Courtesy and prompt attention to our patrons 


CALL HAMP 96 

FOR 

TAXI SERVICE 

Remember: 

We carry your athletic teams. 

"Nujfsed" 

City Taxicab Service 

Draper Hotel Building 
Northampton 

PHONE 96 


REMEMBER 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

SELL 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 

Kirschbaum Clothes 

Arrow Shirts 

Lanpher Sheep Coats and Fur Coats 

H. & P. Gloves 

Interwoven Sox 

and anything else that well dressed 
College Men wear. 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

Clothes for College Men 
for Forty Years 


Cashier (icith a groan) : Esther, I have forgotten 
the combination and I am in a terrible sweat over it. 

Esther: I forgot my combination, too, and I'm 
pretty nearly frozen to death. — Black and Blue Jay 


Cleo: When Bill danced with me last night he 
kept letting his hand slip down my back. 
Patricia: I hope you rebuked him. 
Cleo: I did; I told him to keep it up. 

— Black and Blue Jay 


WHAT DID YOU SAY? 

Co-ed: Papa did you paint the porch swing 
yesterday? 

Papa: Yes, why? 

Co-ed: Well Jimmy and I were sitting in the 
swing and he got paint on his pants. — Broum Bull 


Pretty Co-ed (indignantly): I'd like to see my- 
self in a bathing suit like that ! 

Ambitious Clerk: So would I, Ma'am. 

— Brown Bull 


Pa Fussem: Hasn't that young man gone yet? 
Daughter: No, but I've got him going. 

* — Pitt Panther 




JOSEPH HENRY 
1797-1878 

Born at Albany, N. Y., where 
he became teacher of mathe- 
matics and physics in Albany 
Academy. Leading American 
physicist of his time. First 
director of the Smithsonian 
Institution. 




The work that was begun 
by pioneers like Joseph 
Henry is being carried on 
by the scientists in the Re- 
search Laboratories of the 
General Electric Company. 
They are constantly search- 
ing for fundamental prin- 
ciples in order that electric- 
ity may be of greater 
service to mankind. 



When Henry 

rang the bell 

If any bell was ever heard around the 
world, Joseph Henry rang it in his 
famous experiment at the Albany 
Academy. The amazing development 
of the electrical industry traces back 
to this schoolmaster's coil of insulated 
wire and his electro-magnet that lifted 
a ton of iron. 

Four years later when Morse used 
Henry's electro-magnet to invent the 
telegraph, Henry congratulated him 
warmly and unselfishly. 

The principle of Henry's coil of wire is 
utilized by the General Electric Com- 
pany in motors and generators that 
light cities, drive railroad trains, do 
away with household drudgery and 
perform the work of millions of men. 




AL ELECTRIC 











• 


little late as usual, but then you 
must admit not so bad. The 

next issue is to be a "RUFF 

NUMBER." Not too ruff, but 
snappy enough to be interesting. 
You ought to get a few extra 
copies to send to those friends of 
yours, especially that friend. 
Remember, too, that the sub- 
scription rate to students is only 
$1.50 this year. Fill out this 
blank and have SQUIBBY sent 


\ 




direct to HER. 


\ 

\ 

\ 
\ 

\ 
\ 
\ 

\ 

\ 
\ 

D. B. NEEDHAM N \ 

Circulation Manager, SQUIB \ 




Enclosed is 31-50, 
Squibby. 


send me 


\ 


Name 




• • • \ 


Address 




\ 




-L^l ^v^ 




THE ARMCHAIR 

Corner Elm and Crescent 
Streets 



"The Tea Room with an Atmosphere 



Heb: If a boy is a lad, and the lad has a step- 
father .... 

Haw: Yes, yes, go on. 

Hee: Does that make the lad a step-ladder? 

— Showme 



Health Hints: After eating onions look at to- 
morrow's Math assignment and it will take the 
breath away. 

— Froth 



The idea is to provide a place where 

you may meet a friend, chat, if so 

inclined, or rest awhile. 



TELEPHONE 1289-M 



A Chink truck driver recently presented the 
following bill to the college: 

10 goes, 10 comes at 50 cents a went. $5. 

— Froth 



TIME TO MOVE 

First Medical Student {noting crossed eyes of 
his partner): Are you going to cut where you are 
looking? 

Second Medical Student: Why, of course. 

First Medical Student: Well, you hold this 
cat, then. 

Columns — Sun Dodger 



"Where's you been all dis time, nigger?" 
"I'se been in cold storage." 
"What yo mean cold storage?" 
"In jail in Alaska, nigger." 



Cracker 



Friend: Why do you writers always say "a 
blush crept across the girl's face?" 

Author: Well, if it ran, it sure would kick up an 
awful dust. 

— Bison 



Fresh (talking in a crowd) : I make liquor all the 
time, I own five copper stills, and I ain't scared of 
nobody. 

Stranger: Look here, fellow, you do not know 
who I am, do you? I'm the prohibition officer for 
the state of Georgia. 

Fresh: And you do not know who I am, do you? 
I'm the biggest liar in the state of Georgia. 

— Yellow Jacket 



The Cut of Your 
Overcoat 

It's as important as the cut 
of your suit. For during the 
winter it's what your appear- 
ance will be judged by a 
great part of the time. 

Our suits and overcoats are 
known for their perfection 
of cut. 

A Great Variety at $45 and $50 

Others as low as $30 



MERRITT CLARK & CO. 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



Little words of wisdom 
Make a student wiser; 

Take a tip from Squib bie — 
Know each advertiser! 



SQUIB'S DIRECTORY OF LEADING FIRMS 

Merritt Clark & Co. Page 1 

The Armchair 1 

Mitchell Belkin " 2 
The Mutual Plumbing and Heating 3 

Sing Lee 3 

College Candy Kitchen 4 

Amherst Laundry 5 

Paper City Engraving Co. 5 

Andover Press 6 

Harry Daniels Associates 6 

Lucky Strike " 22 

F. M. Thompson & Son " 23 

City Taxicab Service " 23 

The Manse " 24 
Beckmann's 24 

J. E. Ginsburg " 25 

R. F. Armstrong & Son " 25 

General Electric " 26 
Cluet Peabody Back cover 



Special Re-opening and Holiday- 
Trial Offer 



jWttrfjeU Belfctn 

Two of our "Beautiful Adelphia Engraved 
Etchings" in 10x14 arona Artists folders. 

Official Photographer 

Smith Seniors 1922-1923 

Index 1924 

Shorthorn 1923 



All sittings by appointment. Make them now and 
avoid the Christmas rush. 



STUDIO: 

STATE AND CENTRAL STREETS 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

Telephone 1735 
OUR MOTTO : Courtesy and prompt attention to our patrons 



When the old lady saw the magician cover the 
newspaper with a heavy flanuel cloth and then read 
the print, she turned to her husband and remarked: 
"Henry, I'm going home, this aint no place for a 
lady in a calico dress." 

- Orange Owl 



"I made a political speech in Carnegie Hall last 
night!" 

"Really! How'd you come out?" 
"Limping, but wasting no time." 

— Harvard Lampoon 



"That's the guy I'm laying for," said the hen as 
the farmer crossed the barnyard. 

— Burr 



"Now I've got you in my grip," hissed the villain, 
shoving his tooth paste into his valise. 

— Sun Dial 



Hard : The man in the moon must be a freshman. 
Guy: Because he borrowed his light? 
Hard: No; because he usually "shines" at the 
wrong time. 

- Boll Weevil 



Winchester 

Sporting Goods 

Athletic Goods 



Hardware 



The Mutual 

Plumbing and Heating Co. 
Amherst 



PHLAPPER PHILOSOPHY 

Genny: Have you ever been around with any 
fast men? 

Mary: You bet! I knew one once who was just 
as fast as what he was riding in. 
On the water wagon he's a frost. 
In a carriage — dumb. 
In a Ford — he'd pass. 
In a Cadillac — Oh, boy! 
On a roller coaster — I'M A WRECK!!! 

Genny (excitedly) : Oh, Mary, I imagine it would 
be perfectly killing to be with him in a falling- 
elevator. 

— Centre Colonel 



"Had an awful nightmare last night. When I 
woke up I found I had been sleeping on my back." 
"Serves ya right. Penalty for bein' offsides." 

— Mir row 



Yo: I didn't know your girl was a blond. 
Ho: Oh, yes; she's a decided blond — she decided 
it herself. 

— Panther 



Tom: You've got a wonderful car. It has some 
pickup. 

J^rry: I've never been able to pick up anything 
with it yet. 

— Orange Owl 



Gamma Phi Beta President: It isn't necessary 
to pull down the shades in the back room as the 
trees in the yard are a sufficient screen. 

The Betas will now rise and sing " When the Leaves 
Come Tumbling Down." 

— Showme 



"Was your landlady indignant when you asked 
her for another month's rent?" 

"On the contrary, old man, it vvas I that was put 
out." 

— Chaparral 



The man who hanged himself, died of his own 
free will and a cord. 

— Bison 



Curl: So Freddie proposed to you on a post 
card, — did you accept? 

Curls: No, do you think I'd marry a man who 
didn't care two cents for me. 

— Mirror 



SING LEE 

Hand Laundry 



Our laundry is first class, 
our policy is guaranteed. 
Repairing and all kinds of 
Washing done at reasonable 
prices. 



1 Main St., Amherst, Mass, 

Opp. Postoffice 



AGGIE MEN 

FOR 

That Sunday Night Supper 

OR FOR 

A Bite in-between-times 

VISIT 
T'FTT? 


Summer Boarder: Say, Hiram, your water is 
pretty flat. 

Jonsey: Uh-huh, it was froze that way last winter. 

— Orange Owl 


When he noticed an opportunity he whispered to 
his pal, "G'wan, ask her for a kiss. Columbus took 
a chance." 

"Yes, I know. But he never took a chance like 
that." 

— Panther 


Paper City Engraving 
Company 

Engravers of 
THE AGGIE SQUIB 

Holyoke - Massachusetts 

Radcliffe Building 


1 I11L 

College Candy Kitchen 

The Best in Lunches, Candy, Sodas, Ice Cream and 
Smokers" Supplies 


"Is your coal in yet?" 

"No, it's slated for Saturday." 

— Life 


TWO OF A KIND 

Hard Boiled Little Girl: Gimme one ticket, 
an' make it snappy. 

Ticket Girl: But, honey, there are two of you; 
how about the other little girl with you? 

H. B. L. G. : Aw, ain't we half sisters? add dat up. 

Yellow Jacket 


"A stitch in time 
saves nine" 

Amherst Laundry 

We Do FREE MENDING 


REVENGE 

She was of that variety known as a "teaser," so 
despised by men. So when she puckered her lips 
and leaned forward, and he, startled, bent over to 
kiss her, she suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, dear! Now 
how does the tune 'Babbling Brook' go, again?" 

But about ten minutes later he got his revenge. 
He puckered his lips and leaned forward, and when 
she bent over to be kissed, he suddenly began to 
whistle "Babbling Brook." 

— A 7 . Y. C. C. Mercury 



The Port of Missing Men: Ladies' night in a 
Turkish bath. 

— Yellow Jacket 



A MATTER OF LOCATION 

First Blade: Say, look out niggah, I'se tough. 
Where ah come from dey call me wood alcohol. 

Second Blade: Dat's nothin'. Where ahse from 
dey would call you milk shake. 

— Columns Sun Dodger 



Movie Director: What can you do? Haven't 
you some special talent or inclination — some bent, 
as they say? 

Girl (blushing a little): Well, I confess I'm a 
little knock-kneed. 

— Centre Colonel 



Broken W t eather Vane: I don't go around 
much any more. 

Garter (worn by heavy Miss) : No, and I don't 
go round either. 

— Panther 



W T hat is the most important punctuation mark? 
The chapel period. 

— Boll Weevil 



BOYS! 

If you want to wear "Fashion 
Park" Morse made, or "Clothes 
IdeaV Suits or Overcoats, 
known makes, at popular 
prices, come here. 

Prices Range $25 to $47.50 

Everything that's correct in Hats, 
Shoes and Furnishings 

We allow carfare on purchases of $10 
or over 



Harry Daniel 
Associates 

Northampton, Massachusetts 



One ANDOVER PRESS 



PRINTERS PUBLISHERS 

STATIONERS 




SCHOOL and COLLEGE ANNUALS 
A SPECIALTY 



Press Building .:. Andover 



"Nurse, did you kill all of the germs in the 
baby's milk?" 

"Yes, Ma'am, I run it through the meat chopper 
twice." 

— Bison 



Wealthy Capitalist (offering his own life as an 
example of industry) : Why, do you realize that I 
started life without a rag to my body! 

Fresh Employee: Hell ! I was born naked, too. 

— Harvard Lampoon 



"Why do they call rays of moonlight 'beams'?" 
"Well, they frequently serve to hold up the 
courage of young men in love." 

— Chaparral 



The Spring is here," cried the monkey, as he took 



the back off his Ingersol. 



Cracker 



Doctor (engaged, six months after the death of his 
wife, reading a letter) : This is better. She addresses 
me as "You dear, darling duck". My first wife 
used to call me a nasty old quack. 

— Panther 



jforetoorb 



Centuries ago tfjeir flourisfjeb a race fjairp anb toell=nouriSfjeb, 

W$t Cabe men bolb,— tfjep fmb Cabe toomen too, 
Cfjep peaceful libeb anb ftappp, for tfjep fjab a technique Snappp 

<&t teaching tfjose Cabe toomen tfje respect tfjep tfjougfjt bias bue. 

Ki)tv ijab one motto,— quite enough 

W$ty saib, "fou'be got to Creat fluent ftougfj!" 

JJoto tobap tfje men are Sftaben, but toitf) care tfjeir brotos are graben, 

^>ome are fjappp but tije most of tijem are not; 
jHobern biomen are appalling; unless cfjecfeeb, tfjeir nerbe is galling. 

^>till there's one toap to inform tfjem tofjat is tofjat! 

|9ou still can pull tfje Cabe man stuff, 
&nb most Successfully ^Treat ^fjem Eougft. 



Ruff Number 



December, 1 923 




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QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



MANAGING EDITOR 

R. NOYES, '24 



ART EDITOR 

H. E. FRASER, '26 



LITERARY DEPARTMENT 

M. T. BOYD, '26 

M. M. MacMASTERS, '26 



EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 

ADVERTISING MANAGER 

B. NEEDHAM, '26 

LITERARY EDITOR 

F. BRUNNER, '24 

EXCHANGE EDITOR 

W. F. PRATT, '24 



BUSINESS MANAGER 

L. HALE, '25 

ASSISTANT BUSINESS MANAGER 

V. PIERCE, '25 

CIRCULATION MANAGER 

G. W. HANSCOMB, '25 

BUSINESS DEPARTMENT 

H. LINDSCOG, '26 
H. RICHARDSON, '26 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
in the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be ad- 
dressed to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do 
not receive copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $2.00; single 
copies 35 cents. Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 

Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



YOUNG man, can I get into the park through 
that gate? 
Guess so lady, I just saw a load of hay go through. 



IF a man cut his foot with an axe would you 
say he'd had an accident? 



THE SQUIB 



CAN YOU FEATURE THIS? 
Tune: John Brown s Body 

WHEN in the fall there falls the snow 
I wear my woolen socks; 
When spring arrives I gaily don 

My silk ones with the clocks; 
In summertime I swim around 

With feet undressed and bare, — 
I'm hardening them to stand the pricks 

Of winter underwear. 
Chorus: 

Glory, glory, but my feet can stand some shocks! 
They've even stood for twenty-eight-cent cotton 

bargain socks, 
But still I have to train them or the strain they 

couldn't bear, 
Of the prickling and the tickling of my winter 

underwear ! 



w 



HAT kind of a dancer is Lillian? 
A perfect toe dancer, confound it. 
Why the swear? 
They're my toes! 



S 




H 1 



, Ebenezer, how's 'taters'?" 

"Slicker'n a whistle. How's the family? 
You got three young 'uns, hain't ye? All chipper as 
usual? — to-morrer I hear yer a-going ter celebrate 
the fourth." 



MISTRESS: Josephine, your mouth is open. 
Josephine: Yas'm, I opened it. 



HELL hath no fury like a woman scorned," 
Yes,— 



So the books all tell. 

But I know this: A woman scorned 

Gets furious as Hell! 



S 



MORE LIKE IT 



BEEN to the college football game, eh! 
Is your son on the team?" 
"Judging by his looks I should say the team was 
on him." 



S 



FIRST Goof (in a rainstorm) : Hey, is your 
cigarette going? 
Second Ditto: Yes, — out. 



IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS 

FIRST Ghost: Welcome to Hades! But how 
did you manage to lose your head? 



Second Ditto: 
cut me dead. 



I winked at the Queen and she 



THE prim red rose gets redder still 
Whenever the wind blows; 
"I'm so afraid I'll chance to see," 
Said she, "the garden hose." 



THE SQUIB 



MY mother-in-law, she is dead. She got shut in 
a folding bed. 
Bumpity, bumpity, bump, bump. 
Ever since my mother-in-law's been dead, my friends 

all borrow my folding bed, 
For they all have mothers-in-law, they say. 
Bumpity, bumpity, bump, bump, bump. 



RUFFING IT 

(A tragedy in Sick Stanzas 

AFLOAT, in a boat, 
Out on the briny deep. 
A fishline in one hand, 
Lunch in the other, 
What could be sweeter? 

Afloat, in a boat; 
There is no more lunch. 
Let the fishing begin, 
For I've got a hunch 
There's big game to win. 

Afloat, in a boat; 
Oh, what a motion. 
Great Land o' Goshen ! 
Hold everything, men! 
She's rolling again. 

Afloat, in a boat, 

How sun pouring down. 

OOOOOOOOOOHHH! 

I'm sorry I ate, 

Darn the smell of that bait. 

Afloat, in ghig; 

Oh! ... . Help! 
A boat, . . . .hie . . . ow! 
.... Uhhhhh .... The fish 
Won't bite now. Let's go. 

Afloat, in a boat; 

Now I feel better, 

But I don't know whether 

I like fishing or not — 

Afloat, in a boat. 



THAT girl is strong for Indian gifts." 
"What do you mean by Indian gifts?" 
'' Taking back what she gives you." 
"Well, what particularly?" 
"Kisses." 




FIGURING IN A SENSATIONAL PLAY 



SUMMER FANCIES 

\ T first I fell in love with two eyes of black, 
Two beautiful, dreamy eyes of black! 
They beamed at me and won my heart, 
And finally of my life became a part. 
But dangerous black eyes can so fickle be 
That even tho they smiled at me, 
They tried to break my heart. 

But then I met two eyes of beautiful gray; 
Two quiet, soothing eyes of heavenly gray! 
But these two eyes, they smiled in scorn, 
And so I was left forlorn, 
For when I told of my love's great passion, 
Gray eyes smiled in haphazard fashion. 
No love for me these eyes ever knew 
So I left for eyes of blue. 

Two eyes of beautiful, sky-like blue. 

They glanced at me so very sweet 

I felt my world was all complete. 

In these love was great and true. 

Can I but win, I'll ask no more, 

My life I'll spend in worship and adore, 

Slave for you, work for you always content 

If only, dear one, you'll consent. 



THE SQUIB 



pgsg 



Editorials 



m 



'HY a "Ruff" number? Pick out a comfortable chair, turn on the light, and in a few hours and 
fewer words, we will tell you. To begin with, a ruff used to be the most important part of a 
man's attire. No perfectly dressed knight, smartly turned out by the local Hark, Shafts, and 
Marks, ever thought of calling on his lady love without donning the latest in ruffs. That sort 
of ruff stuff is gone forever. We don't wear our Arrow collars in pleats and ruffles any more, to say nothing 
of the fancy lace edges like a ten-dollar box of Whatzis Candy. "Ruff stuff" today is of two kinds, mental 
and physical. The mental variety is, well, the sort of thing you invariably think of but can't say when 
you are taking Aunt Minnie home from prayer meeting. Some magazines thrive on it, and some in spite 
of it. Usually it is denatured from the viciously amusing to the respectably humorous. The physical 
kind may be roughly classed (yes, that is intentional!) as Fun or Business. Fun, in general, is concerned 
with the girls you know, and Business with the girls who know you. Get the distinction? In connection 
with the Rough Stuff we have read that Sheiking isn't getting away as well as it used to, but while 
brave men still love fair women, and the little clinging vines still murmur, "You are so big and strong, 
Georgie dear, — you just make me love you!", there will still be Rough Stuff; therefore, this number, dedi- 
cated to what was, is, and will be. 



m 



'E learn much from the legends of the ancients. One of our most interesting legends is the story 
of the crow. History tells us that more than four thousand years ago, the great Mohukus, 
monarch of the kingdom of Walla Walla, becoming exasperated at his favorite court jester, 
descended from his throne, seized the jester by the seat of his purple trousers, and dumped 
him bodily into a kettle of live crabs. Immediately, the great Mohukus ordained that all of his warriors 
should search the kingdom for the funniest object which could be found, to take the place of the crabbed 
jester. In a short time many and varied objects found their way to the court, but none appealed to the 
King. At last a traveler from Leverett brought in the most curious bird which had ever been seen. It was 
black as coal, with a gleaming eye and a raucous voice. This bird was chosen by the King as the funniest 
thing that he had ever seen. Each and every time the King looked at this curious product of nature, he 
burst into long, hearty laughter. From this time forth the crow held sway as symbol of the crabbed court 
jester and symbol of all that was funny. Every time he opened his mouth his sally was greeted with 
laughter. Hence, when the students of our glorious college sought for a mascot for our great comic publi- 
cation they hit upon this legend, and from then until now Squibby has been pictured as a crow. 




THE SQUIB 



A 



NSWER to Correspondent: Yes, Willie, you 
can say, "The mouse lives in the house," but 
you would be severely criticized if you remarked 
that "The mice live in the hice." It isn't being done 
this year. 

S 

HE: Are you going to the show tonight? 
She: A show of my own. 
He: Oh, taking a bath? 



EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF JEAN 

LARUE 



T AM finis." 

■*■ "You poor fish." 



A SURVEYER 

SAL: The shoulder is no place to kiss a girl. 
Al: I — I simply made a topographical error, 
but I'll be sure it is placed on the right contour this 
time,- — as he met her lips squarely. 



ARBOREAL CHATTER 

I SHOULD think that you would go out for 
track; look at the rangy limbs you have." 
"Yes, but look at the trunk that I have to carry 
around." 

"Oh, don't worry about that; it would be reduced 
to a twig in two weeks." 



I WOULD trust my wife anywhere." 
"Well, my wife is trusted everywhere, but I 
have to pay the bills." 

S 

A FRESHMAN competitor told me confidential- 
ly that he couldn't find "ruff" in the dic- 
tionary. 

What d'you think of that? 



Somebtjrg, Vermont 



Monday 



Dis morning I wake me up bout four oclock and 
after pull de string hitch to ma boy Joseph toe 
asleep up stair, I go to de barn for milk ma cow. 
When I firs see de inside of dat barn me I tink I 
have lil too much cider lass night. 

Ma hoss is in de cow stall wit de hitch rope roun 
de back end and de front end where she dont belong. 
Den I take look in de hoss stall and ma cow she is 
try to climb tru de window but de window too small 
so she is stick half way tru and kick like one mule. 
After I axtricate de cow from de wrong place and 
put ma hoss where he go I lak to wonder how such 
ting is happen. Den I tink maybe de medecin what 
de doctor say to give dem is cause de troble. So I 
tak look at de bottle and everything is tell bout 
itself all at once. On de label to dat bottle she is 
say — Whiskey — guarantee to give effect. Where 
is dat medecin I lak to wonder but I tink she show up 
soon. 

Tuesday 

Dis morning I dont wake up because I aint sleep 
all night. Bout ten oclock lass night I begin feel 
queer feelin roun ma middle part. I spik to ma wife 
Marie but she say jus a lil bit indigeschun. But she 
aint stop so I tak me some hot water bag and go to 
ma bed. After try all position from jacknife to 
boardwalk I tink she get worse so I call ma wife 
Marie to spik wit de doctor but he gone to bed and 
aint get up till 9 A.M. 

Bim bi it get so excite in ma middle dat I mak 
noise lak one groan and ma boy Pete is say to turn 
dat cow out. Bout now it is day break and I tink 
some oder ting is going to break too. After long 
time I get rid of some of dat pain but she lak one 
bulldog — she bite one minit and wag him tail de 
nex. Bout five P.M. dis afternoon I begin feel beter. 
Me I tink I know where ma hoss medecin is go now 
and tink ma hoss and cow is owe me one medal for 
sacrifice me to dem. 



1\ /TISS Prune has a pretty face, hasn't she?" 



'No, you dumbell." 
'Sure she has. Pretty poor.' 



WHAT did the cave-girl say to the cave-man 
when she wanted him to love her?" 
"Ruff me!" 



HE: Isn't this a lovely evening? 
She: Yes, but I can't see that you are taking 
advantage of it. 



THE SQUIB 



1ST SOT: Ishn't there a light in my room? 
2nd Sot: I put it out. 
1st Sot (after a lapse of fifteen minutes) : Shay, 
you shaid you put out my light, but I've hunted all 
over the yard for it and it isn't there. 



DORIS: It's hotter than love in here. Why 
don't you open the window, May? 
Ruth: Oh well, May's used to that. 



ONLY A BOX 

ONLY a box, secure and strong, rough and 
wooden and six feet long, 
Standing there in the drizzling rain, waiting to take 
the up-bound train. 

Only its owner, just inside, cold and livid and glassy- 
eyed; 

Little cares he if the train be late; he has nothing to 
do but lie and wait. 




JOHNNY BUG: Gee! I am going to follow this 
band around and maybe I will hear some music. 



THIS college certainly turns out fine men. 
How's that? When did you graduate? 
Didn't graduate, they turned me out. 



I 



THE FUSSER IN COUPLETS 

N the evening he goes out fussing; 
In the morning he gets up cussing. 



To chapel he goes a-creeping 

To quiet his nerves with sleeping. 

Class-hours are spent in dreaming, 
The lecture past him streaming. 

Having put in one day more, 

That night he does the same thing o'er. 





I. 



I. 





EVOLUTION— FROM DOG TO DOGMA 



THE BOTANIST'S PLEA 

NEATH the chloraphyll shade of a tree 
Where the angiosperms riot free, 
And the bright flowers you see 
Have names long and juicy 
All ending in something — "ae." 

Where deciduous pines are a-flowering 
(In catkins, my love, not in bloom) 
And ontogeny's always so busy 
With phylogeny there in the gloom; 

Where productions of seeds never pause. 
According to Darwin's strict laws, 

And the mesophytes fight 

With the dicots all night, 
(Phyllotaxies run wild there because 

The leaves are adapted to shade, love) 
And there they will shade you and me, 
So meet me, dear, as I have told you 
And we'll talk of — your morphology! 



S 



I MAY be down but I'm not out," thought the 
runner as he safely slid third. 



THE SQUIB 



O 



THE DIARY OF THE ABBEY TELEPHONE 

CTOBER 1. — Anyway, I had a nice quiet summer. It wouldn't be so bad now if I didn't have to 
listen to these date-makers. 
"Yes, this is Araminta." 
"Going to be doing anything tonight?" 
"I don't know. Who's asking?" 
"Does it make any difference, dearie?" Etc., etc. 

December 1. — That boy Dick works me overtime. It's lucky I can't tell tales. They ought to invent tele- 
phonic carbon copies for him. It would save a lot of breath that way. 

February 1. — I don't get a minute's rest. It is easier to phone than to go out on a night like this. I fairly 
squeak with weariness sometimes. And then they howl that I give rotten service. 

April 1. — My worst day. Everything from mushy proposals ending in "Ha-ha! April Fool!" to people 
continually asking "Is this the Poultry Plant? Well, have you any nice little chickens there?" 

June 1. — I hardly think I can live through the month. I put in more overtime than a man on triple pay, 
and that Dick calls all his girls continually. I feel weaker each time. His line is so hot that it melts my poor 
line entirely. 

June 15. — "Phone out of order." 



A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF 

KNOWLEDGE 

TO the Student Body: 
Having with sorrow noted how some students have a slight difficulty in passing certain written 
exercises, humorously termed examinations, and believing that Science should at all possible times aid man, 
I modestly venture to advance the following idea. 

Each student, on the payment of a nominal fee, shall be supplied with a small set of radio receivers, 
each ear-piece to be covered with a painted piece of cloth resembling an ear. This renders detection prac- 
tically impossible. Women may have covers of ribbon, simulating headbands. (State color desired.) 

Every morning an adequate program consisting of appropriate admonitions will be broadcasted. Com- 
petent instructors will detail processes and make any necessary explanations. 

As we have said, a small fee will be charged. 

Wave lengths: 245, 345, 564 meters. 

» 

Sample Program 

8- 8.50 Assorted Statistics. 

Complete set of reflexes and inhibitions. 
Chemical reactions. 

9- 9.50 Physical Phacts, by Prof. G. D. Bunk. 
10-10.50 Mixed lecture, Vet, and other subjects. 

Lecture I. Botts and Botany. 
11-11.50 The Hort Man, His Work. Lecture by Prof . Prune. 

Applied English, including an exhaustive study of the following dialects : Business, Campus, 
Poker, and Petting. 
And so on for the rest of the day. 

Anyone wishing further information concerning this proposed service to humanity, or those having 
old receiving sets to donate, are cordially invited to get in touch with the author. 

Watt A. Lyre 



THE SQUIB 




THE RAZOR — IN A "FAIR WAY", GETTING OUT OF THE "ROUGH." 



THE SQUIB 



THE DANCE 



(As some modern authors might do it but dont) 



j SINCLAIR LEWIS. 

A . George J. Jones leaned against the railing and groaned. Why in hell had he taken that last drink? 

Shoe polish, probably, or maybe varnish. He pulled out his Ingersoll. Eleven-ten. Well, she wouldn't 
want to go home a while yet, anyway. He lit another Fatima, with a Diamond match, and blew out the 
smoke in two long jets like the preliminary snorts of a locomotive. Helen was dancing in there — nice girl, 
getting a little fat maybe. 

"Hello, George, what's the good word?" 

Bob Green had come out on the piazza. 

"Good, hell! Gotta lay off'n liquor. Course I can take it or leave it, but good Lord, you've gotta 
have something to do at a dance besides give the women a thrill." 

He looked at the Ingersoll again. Eleven-twenty this time. 

He went in to dance with Helen. 

II. Rudyard Kipling. 

His brown face smiled. 

"Been dancing? Thought you didn't care for the whirl. Should have been with us last night — no 
end of a rag! Locked old Cairnsley-Poggs into the cellar and filled all his boots full of molasses." 

He lit a cigarette as coolly as if he had been tamping in the last charge of dynamite on an Irawady 
irrigation dam. 

"Ripping, absolutely," he said firmly, and left the dressing room. 

III. Eleanor Hallowell Abbott. 

The dress twinkled. It was a very twinkly dress. It was pink. 

"Oh, oh," she raptured, "aren't the stars wonderful tonight? " She moved into a darker corner. When 
the moon didn't strike the dress, it wasn't so twinkly. 

"Yes," he enfolded, "the stars are wonderful and so are you. Look, can you see that big one just over 
my shoulder?" 

She was very small. She had to look up. 

Ye " she commenced. 

The orchestra played. It played "Kiss Me Again". She liked it. 



THE SQUIB 



IV. E. M. Hull. 



Under his burning gaze her heart beat as if she were running. His eyes were on her white shoulder 
where the jade green of her dress fell away from the warm ivory of her skin. 

"Come to me, little ice maiden," he said tensely. 

"No," she breathed. "Never, never. I hate you! I hate you!" 

He laughed, showing white, even teeth, then slowly, relentlessly, he grasped her and bent her to him, 
her flexible body bending backwards under the cruel pressure. 

"Kiss me, I tell you," he commanded harshly. 

As his lips touched hers, she felt an ecstasy of rapture, and their souls mingled in a long, long kiss. 

She sighed. "Do cut in again this evening." she begged. 

He had tamed her utterly. 

V. Carl Sandburg 

Shining slippers. 

Hundreds of them, slender, fat, large, small, — 

But shining as if greased, 

Weaving in and out to the brassy strains of the latest syncopation. 

Shining slippers — 

How many loaves of bread could have 

Been bought for the starving Russians 

With the money that was 

Wasted 

On those shining slippers! 



THE CO-ED'S CREDO 



SHE believes that: 
1. The campus was made for men. " just look at the size of it, my dear! Now if Fd been mak- 
ing it " 

2. Feet are important. " well, I know he is sort of funny looking, but he's a whiz of a dancer! " 

3. Sunday nights are made for hard study. (?) 

4. Men always compare notes. " and wouldn't I love to hear what they say after they get back 

to their houses " 

5. Every fraternity has a nickel on a string to use for telephone calls. 

6. Bands were made for Beans. " do you like this color or had I better put on the green one?" 

7. Every time a man says, "I sure was out on a big party last night," that he was. 

8. Strolls are more important than Studies. 

9. When she is told "You know, there's something different about you. You're not like most of the 
girls I " she ought to believe some of it. 

10. The best place to powder her nose is 

a. Stockbridge steps 

b. Wilder Hall. 

c. French Hall. 

d. Math Building 

e. Draper Hall 

f. Or where have you seen her doing it? 



THE SQUIB 




" A ND just think, boys," said the guide, an old 
■**■ mountain climber, "I can remember when 
this broad highway was just a little path." 



WHEN they neared Coney Island shore, the 
lion let out an awful roar: 
"What's matter?" sez Noah. Sez the lion, 
"I'm sore. You'll sell us to Ringling tomorrow." 

Chorus 
Old Man Noah knew a thing or two — etc. 



]~)ROF. : How many kinds of flowers are there? 
L Stude: Three, Sir. 
Prof.: Is that so. Name them then. 
Stude: Wild, tame, and collie. 



A TOWN 
May be famous 
For its beautiful women 
But 
The iceman knows better. 



TRIOLET (TO A DISTANT DAMSEL) 

I FIND I can love you no more, 
So tear up the letters I sent you, — 
There must be at least several score, 
I find I can love you no more. 
I have a new girl to adore 

Here. I can't pay for stamps and my rent too. 
I find I can love you no more, 
So tear up the letters I sent you. 



HE: What character do you have in the next 
act? 
She: I'm not supposed to have any character. 
I'm in the chorus. 

S 

I HAVE a terrible rumbling in my stomach. It 
is like a wagon going over a bridge." 
"It's most probably that truck you had for dinner." 



THE MODERN WOMAN 

OH will you marry, my pretty maid? 
Oh won't you marry, my pretty maid? 
I have no money, but plenty of love, 
And a tiny cottage with roses above. 
No thank you, sir, she said. 

Oh will you marry, my pretty maid? 

Oh won't you marry, my pretty maid? 

I am old, it is true, but I've millions all told, 
Your gowns will be velvet, your dishes of gold, 

Yes, thank you, sir, she said. 

S 



A 



CENTURY ago men tried to find game; now 
they try to be game. 

S 

THE BIOLOGIST BATHES 



HERE where the planktons surge 
I can feel the cosmic urge. 
My soma pillows itself on the billows 
To an orthogenetical dirge 
Of atoms continually shattered 
On shores rock-bound and wave-battered, 
But my soma sleeps on these teeming deeps, 
In a bathing suit rented, and tattered ! 

S 



S 



OME one suggests that a kiss is like a bottle of 
olives. 
After you get the first one the rest come easy. 

S 

THE college certainly takes an interest in a 
fellow, doesn't it?" 
"How's that?" 

"Well I read in the graduate magazine that they 
will be glad to hear of the death of any alumni." 

S 

FROSH (to teacher): If I am not mistaken, 
there is a theory that if you sleep so that the 
moon shines on you, you will become a lunatic. 

Another Frosh: Ah, he means if you drink 
moonshine. 



THE SQUIB 



THE WINGED WINKLES 

OR 

A SEA SAGA 

\\ 7TNGED Winkles resemble large purplish 
snails 

With touches of yellow and blue. 
The man who collects them makes fabulous sums 
By stocking up side-shows and aquariums, 

And collecting the money then due. 
At midnight exactly when bright is the sun, 
He takes out his dory, an egg, and a bun, 
A lot of fly-paper and two quarts of rum 

And a plug of tobacco to chew. 



TO MY PIPE 

LET us drink to the Pipe at eventide 
Which to us is far better than a blushing bride. 
As its heavy smoke floats on the air 
It seems to bring back memories very rare: 
Pictures of our college friends long ago, 
We can see in the shadows as they come and go; 
And the long lost love of our college days seems 
To be brought to life by our Pipe-Dreams. 



'HE man who wakes up and finds himself 
famous hasn't been asleep. 



He hunts for a wave that is pierced full of holes 

Like a honey -comb. There they abide. 
The Winkles come out every night for a fly; 
Their wings are pea-green and they stretch them to 
dry, 

As they sociably flit side by side. 
Their favorite food is the Liquid-fire Fly, 
And, rum smelling the same, they are lured on by 
The sweet scent, and persistently, constantly try 
To fly into that boat on the tide. 



>ROF: What is an oyster? 
Stude: An oyster is a fish built like a nut. 



s 



O Hazel is to be married, eh? 

Yes, so I hear. 
Who is the happy man? 
Her father. 



The next thing he does is spread fly-paper sheets 

So they carpet completely the dory; 
The Winkles get stuck up the moment they land 
And the fisherman gets every one of the band 

From the children to grandparents hoary; 
He puts them in boxes of lavender tin; 
Eats the egg and the bun, — then it's time to begin 
To drink all the rum, which he does with a vim, 
So he says, and I don't doubt his story! 

It is hard to row home with the Winkles on board, 

Seeing two waves where one was before. 
But the Winkles, like clams, are not noisy at best, 
So he rows and he chews (with a moment to rest) 

And at last he comes safe to the shore. 
He sends off the Winkles at once on the train, 
First hoping politely they've suffered no pain, 
And then staggers off to his home once again, - 
To dream of the Winkles, — and snore. 

There's no more! 



KITTY: Isn't Marion a picture in her new 
winter hat! 
Catty: Yes, it frames a painted surface. 




THE SQUIB 



ECHOES FROM THE RIFLE RANGE 



APOLOGIES TO J. M. 



"TAO you know how to ride?" 



I 



I MUST back to the college again, to the class 
room and the hall, 

"Well, then practice a little on this Colt." And all I ask is a thick book, and some glasses for 

g reading withal, 

KE: Suppose you were in my shoes, what would And the P rofs roar ' and the bell ' s rin §' and the dash 

from the room, 



you do? 
Mike: I'd shine them 



PROF (in zoology lab.): What insect lives on the 
least food? 
Bright Pupil: The moth. It eats holes. 

S 
APOLOGIES TO HOOD 

NO shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, 
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds, 
No doughnuts, no work, — November. 

S 



TO MY GIRL 

(Answering the old ques- 
tion, " What are little git Is 
made of?") 

IF you were made of 
sugar and spice, 
That truly would be very 

nice; 
But from the way you 

act to me 
You're made of lemons 
and bitter tea. 




HELLO! Is this the clerk? Will you send up a 
bottle of Pluto Water? 
We don't keep it. 
Well, do you keep any other kind of toilet water? 



And a gray mist over the Dean's board, and a red 
mark of doom. 

I must back to the college again, for the call of the 

old worn book 
Is a strong call and a sharp call, that cannot be 

overlooked ; 
And all I ask is a day of toil with assignments piling 

on, 
And my An. Hus., and my Ent. notes, and my 

English to be done. 



I must back to the college 
again — to the student's 
life, 

To the dread way and the 
sad way where the 
Dean's board's like a 
knife ; 

And all I ask is a tale of 
woe from an equally 
plucky rover, 

And little sleep, and 
dreams of Hamp when 
the long day's over. 



FOOTBALL Coach (to beginner): What ex- 
perience have you had before? 
"Well, this summer I was hit by two autos and a 
truck." 

S 
TO THE GIRL IN GREEN 

YOU can lead a horse to water but you cannot 
make it drink, 
You can take a Soph to Physics but you cannot make 
him think, 

And no matter how you try 
To give me the glad eye, 
You can flirt with me, my daughter, but you cannot 
make me wink 

S 

ROUND, round, round," — What, Algernon? 
No, this isn't a Mayday song. It's the 
Waltz of the Pencils, from the Dean's Saturday 
Reports. 



APOLOGIES TO RUDYARD K. 

WHAT is the old bell ringing for?" said 
students in the hall. 
"We won the game; we won the game," the cheer- 
leader did call. 
"What makes you look so sad, so sad?" said students 

in the hall. 
"I'm thing that I wasn't there," the cheer-leader did 
call. 



"For our singing carried volumes of Alma Mater's 

joy, 

It said a million dollars for our college, — bot, my 
boy, 
To have raised our cheers to Heaven would have 

been my greatest joy; 
But I lost that BlAsTeD train in the morning." 



THE SQUIB 




~ RIDING- • THE- * WAVfc-^ - 



DiUJGHTER, I forbade you emphatically - 
not to get one of those permanent waves. 

But, — 

Don't be "butting" in. When I say a thing I 
mean it. Oh dear, what is this younger generation 
coming to? You tell 'em one thing and they do 
another — run out nights and sleep all day. When 
I was young the old curling iron was good enough 
for me and still is — 

But, Mother, all the girls — 

I don't care what the other girls do. You must 
think your father is a millionaire. It's all he can do 
to keep afloat. That's the trouble nowadays - 
always trying to keep up with the Joneses. I hear 
tell that these waves cost a pile, and - 

Mother, my allow — 



Yes, your allowance — Ain't I always a-giving 
you money to buy the newest fads after your 
money's all gone. Always sacrificing for you kids 
and never a thank. I s'pose that's always the way. 
Wait '11 you get some of your own. — How much did 
it cost, anyway? 

Fifty dollars — 

Good Heavens, child! What's this world coming 
to? Didn't those 'lectric things nearly kill you? 
I should think it 'ould ruin your hair. Didn't it 
hurt? How long will it last? It does look rather 
nice, though. 

Hurt a little — but it'll last two or three years. 

Who did your job? I think I'll have mine done, 
it's such a bother the old-fashioned way. 

So poor dad continues to ride the stormy waves, as 
he always has and always will. 



J | "^HERE has never been a completely satisfied 
m. mn „ Even the policeman on his beat reflects 



man. 



sadly that he is above his present walk in life. 



WHAT are you doing?" 
"I'm mending one of the clocks on my stock 
ng. 
"Oh, taking a stitch in time!" 



THE SQUIB 




Mother: That young man had no business to 
kiss you last night. 

Daughter: But that wasn't business; it was 
pleasure. 

— Chaparral 
S 

HIS FATHER'S SON 

"Tell me truly does the baby really take after his 
father?" asked Mrs. Jones. 

"Yes, indeed — why when we took the darling's 
bottle away, he tried to creep down the cellar 
stairs. 

— Orange Owl 
S 

Mother: Mary, did you take sister's cigarettes 
from her bureau? 

Mary (age 12) : Yes, mother, I cannot tell a lie. 

Mother: Shame on you, Mary, haven't I taught 
you that it's wrong to steal? 

— Chaparral 
S 

Dot (just introduced) : You seem familiar. 
Bud: I haven't started yet. 

— Beanpot 
S 
CROESUS' DAUGHTER 

Young Prof.: I'd give a thousand dollars just 
to kiss those lips. 

Innocent Co-ed: My! my! 

Young Prof.: Do I weary you, my dear? 

Innocent Co-ed: No, but I was just thinking 
of the fortune I gave away at the last dance. 

— Boll Weevil 
S 

Rookie Sentry: Who goes there? 
Timid Voice: N-nobody. 

Rookie Sentry (to himself) : That's funny. I'd 
have sworn I heard someone there. 

— Harvard Lampoon 



She was a freshman from Vassar. "Oh, dear," 
she sighed, "I simply can't adjust my curriculum." 

"It doesn't show any," he reassured her, blushing. 
And then they both talked rapidly about the 
decorations. 

— Jester 
S 

Don't propose on Sunday; contracts made on that 
day are not binding. 

— Harvard Lampoon 

S 

CAN YOU BLAME HIM? 

The other day a very promising young college 
grad killed himself and no one was able to find a 
motive for his desire to die. On looking through his 
papers the following note was found: 

"Life is no use ! I am convinced that college comic 
magazines are right about women!" 

— Centre Colonel 



PASSION 

It was such a night as Leander punted the Hel- 
lespunt, and Mark Anthony marked time at the 
feet of Cleopatra forgetting even his patrimony. 
It was such a night as Dido dipped digitalis in order 
to forget that Aeneas had given her the slip, and it 
was such a night as Helen made Paris think that he 
was in Paris. It was such a night as tonight. It 
was a darn good night for necking — and that's 
what we weren't doing nothing else but. Suddenly I 
tore my lips away from her neck — it pains me 
even now to think of it. With one last look of pity 
I cast her at my feet, and walked off. Enough of a 
thing is enough, and I had eaten every bite of meat 
off that chicken's neck. 

Boll Weevil 



Question: If a burglar broke into the Bank 
President's home and found Mrs. B. P. aroused 
from her slumbers, and in the act of descending the 
stairs en negligee, what would be the proper thing 
for him to do? 

Answer: Cover her with his revolver. 

— Bison 



I love my girl most every place, 

Except at football games. 
She has to know the players all 

By their respective names. 
She cheers when our opponents 

Smash off twenty through the line. 
And when I tell her not, she says 

"I thought that that was fine!" 
Each time she starts to talk I look 

For something I can hide in; 
I know she thinks a football coach 

Is used for teams to ride in. 
When to the field we go I nearly 

Wish I was at Ames; 
I love my girl most every place, 

Except at football games. 



Showme 



T heard you had trouble last night? 

'Yep, flat tire." 

'I know, I saw you with her." 

— Brown Jug 



At Palm Beach said mother to daughter, 
"I hope you'll show pride in the water; 
For I heard yesterday 
In a round-about way, 
That you really showed more than you oughter." 

— Juggler 



Stewed Honey: I'd like to see you apart for a 
moment . 

Lady Clerk: Say, kid, whadayah think I am, 
a puzzle for the little ones? 

— Beanpot 



Eve (from the bushes) : Adam, dear, close your 
eyes so I can come home. 

Adam: What's the matter, my own. 
Eve: I've been A. W. O. L. 

— Dirge 



"I don't see where we can put up this lecturer for 
the night." 

"Don't worry -- he always brings his own bunk." 

— Tiger 



Query: What is the best kind of swimmin'? 
Answer: Loose Swimmin". 

— Jack-'o-lantern 



All Successful Men Use the 

Toasted Process in Their 

Business! 



THEY CALL it Efficiency. 

But it amounts to the same thing. 

Because, stripped of its purely 
technical significance, the Toasted 
Process is efficiency by another 
name. It represents the last ounce 
of effort which, in all the produc- 
tion of men, distinguishes the 
isolated examples of quality. 
Toasting the tobaccos in LUCKY 
STRIKE CIGARETTES adds 45 
minutes to the cost of production, 
but it seals in the flavor! 

And we would rather save the 
flavor than the time. 



CHANGE TO THE BRAND 
THAT NEVER CHANGES 



LUCKY 



ITS TOASTED' 



CLOTHES 

for 

COLLEGE MEN 

for Thirty-Five Years 


ABIE MAKES THE TEAM 

"My son Abie comes home de oder day and tells me 
he made de football team. 'The coach gave out the 
positions yesterday,' says Abie, 'and he gave me 
quarterback.' 'Gave you quarterback?' I says; 
'for why you give him the quarter in the first 
place?' 

"He tells me I don't understand and give me a 
ticket to see a game. I vent to de game and grabbed 
a seat in de first row so I could see vat Abie did. 

"Somebody blew a whistle and den everybody 
gets togeder and kneels down like as if dey was look- 
ing for someding dey lost. All at vunce dey start 
to auction off the ball. My Abie yells out, ' 46-47-48 ' 
— I yells '49,' but dey don't pay no attention. Den 
Abie yells '50,' and he gets de ball. Dat kid 
alvays did try to go his fader vun better. Abie 
starts to run avay vid de ball and everybody jumps 
on him like dey vas mad because he took it. Some 
rowdy knocks him down and de rest of de bums 
jump on top of him. 

"Den all de people in de grandstand get up and 
shout, 'Hooray for Abie, he gained a yard.' 

" 'He gained a yard,' dey say, but I tink dey must 
be blind, because all I saw vas dat he lost a foot." 

— A 7 . Y. C. C. Mercury 


Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 

Mallory Hats 

Interwoven Sox 


F. M. Thompson & Son 


NATURE STUDY 

The girl stood on the old stone wall, 

I offered my hand, 
She jumped, and screamed, and that ain't all — 

Good gosh! Ain't Nature grand? 

— Showme 


CALL HAMP 96 

FOR 

TAXI SERVICE 

Remember : 

We carry your athletic teams. 

"Nujfsed" 

City Taxicab Service 

Draper Hotel Building 
Northampton 

PHONE 96 


Paying Teller: But madam, you will have to be 
identified before I can cash this cheek for you. 

Fair Caller (blushing furiously) : Oh, I just hate 
to do it, and I know George would be dreadfully 
angry, but I have a love letter here which describes 
me fully, if you would care to see it. 

— Orange Owl 


"My girl changed photographers, last week." 
"Why?" 

'The last one wrote on the back of each negative: 
'The original of this is carefully preserved'." 

— Yellow Jacket 


Hiram: My daughter at college writes me that 
the Purity League there had a parade for all students 
who had never kissed a girl. 

Ruben: How did it turn out? 

Hiram: One of the fellows took sick and the 
other one wouldn't march alone. 

Columns — Sun Dodger 



First Flapper: Have you ever felt blue? 
Tooth Ditto: Oh yes, I've had dates with sailors. 

— Centre Colonel 


WHEN IN HAMP 

VISIT 

"The Sweetest Shop in Town" 


Maiden fair. 

Raven hair, 

Saucy lips and 

Baby stare; 

All entrance, 

Sycophants, 

(Me, as much as anyone). 

But, as seems the usual course of love in modern 

times 
(Quite contrary to all the tales in olden rhymes), 
There's a drawback to my marrying you, sweet one. 
It blocks my way; it can't be overcome; 
It squelches me, and all ardor repels, 
It seems that you're in love with someone else! 

— Chaparral 


Home Made Candies 

Home Made Ice Creams 

Home Made Lunches 

"The Kinds Everybody Likes" 


Beckman 9 s 

Candy Shop Soda Shop 

"Meet Your Pals Here" 


A modern scientist says that emotion expresses it- 
self at the weakest point. 

We don't wonder then that a Co-ed always clutch- 
es at her heart and a freshman at his head. 

— Froth 


DID YOU EVER TRY 

A Steak or Chicken 
Dinner 

at 

The Manse 

54 Prospect Street 
Northampton, Massachusetts 

If not, you better start at once before 
the trolleys stop running. 


A WONDERFUL HOUSE 

A lady and her daughter were looking through 
some houses with the intention of buying one. 
Suddenly the daughter exclaimed: 

"Oh, mother! Wouldn't this be a perfectly won- 
derful house to give a dance in?" 

"But aren't the rooms rather small, dear?" 

"Yes; but the staircase is perfectly marvelous!" 

— Harvard Lampoon 


Clergyman (to son of a parishioner rather ad- 
dicted to hunting on Sunday): My little boy, I 
didn't see your father at church this morning; I 
am afraid he does not fear God. 

Young Heathen: Oh, yes, I guess he does; he 
took his gun with him this morning. 

— Panther 


Hopeful Youth: Sir, I want to marry your 
daughter. 

Stern Papa: What on? 

H. Y. : Why — er — about June 15. 

— Chaparral 


We Cater to Stag Parties, too. 


You may be in love with a dozen, but you can 
only kiss one at a time. 

— Bison 


TELEPHONE 1316-M 



J. GINSBURG 

19 Pleasant Street 



Offers you a high grade of 

SHOES and RUBBERS 



and of OVERSHOES of All Kinds 



Special Shoe Repairing 

Called for and Delivered 



TELEPHONE 656-M 



Mazola: She surely is a cultivated lady all 
right ! 

Olive: What makes you think so? 

Mazola: Look how she weeds out her eyebrows 
and trims her nails. 

— Mirror 



HEARD AT THE RITZ 

"Oh, yes, you Americans are all right, but I just 
can't grasp your slang. To show you what I mean, 
old frolic: that fellow sitting next to me at dinner, 
the silly ass, made some blasted reference to a 
'cat's ankle.' Now what the devil did he mean? 
He also talked about the same cat's nightgown. I 
simply couldn't grasp it, you know, so I grasped the 
first opportunity to shed him and shoved off. Of 
course, dear thing, you understand this beastly 
jargon, and you don't notice the blighted stuff, be- 
cause you hear it every bloody day. Just the same, 
work the old bean a little and see if you can't 
understand why I hate so blasted much to hear the 
jolly old king's English murdered so. Well, Pip, 
pip." 

— Boll Weevil 



Bo: You look sick. What's the trouble? 
Jo: Oh. I caught cold riding a draft horse." 



Froth 



EVER BEEN THERE? 

They were at a dance — one of those affairs 
where everybody watches everybody else — and 
they were not getting along at all well. Said she to 
soothe him: 

"Dear — I'll tell you a secret. You're the first 
man I ever danced with." 

"That's no secret!" he snapped as. he shoved her 
into a seat. 

— Be an pot 



WHAT? 



Rastus: Gal, did yu get them flowers I sent you? 

Rastette: Didn't get nuthin' else. 

Rastus: Gal, did yu wear them flowers I sent 



yu- 



Rastette: Didn't wear nuthin' else. 
Rastus: Then what did you pen em tu? 

— Boll Weevil 



"What's the idea of hanging your milk bottle out 
the second story window — do you expect the cow 
to fly up?" 

"No, but it's closer to the Milky Way." 

- Yellow Jacket 



Dear Student: 

It is true now, as it always has 
been, that appearances count for 
a great deal in forming the out- 
side world's opinion of a man. 

There is zest and character in 
this Fall's furnishings. 
To freshen up your wardrobe at 
this time does much to inspire 
and invigorate (mental effect on 
the wearer is one reason for 
dressing well) . 

One or two items may very likely 
be all you need. You will find 
us as pleased to serve you in 
small matters as in large pur- 
chases. May we count for you to 
be among the first to see the 
new men's wear? 

Faithfully yours, 

R. F. ARMSTRONG & SON 



29 Main St. 



Northampton 




ANTOINE LAURENT LAVOISIER 
1743-1794 
Born in Paris, son of a wealthy 
tradesman. As a student won 
a prize for an essay on lighting 
the streets of Paris. Held vari- 
ous Government posts. A mar- 
tyr of the Reign of Terror. 
Founder of modern chemistry. 




This is the mark of the 
General Electric Com- 
pany, an organization 
of 100,000 men and 
women engaged in pro- 
ducing the tools by 
which electricity — 
man's great servant- 
is making the world a 
better place to live in. 



They couldn't destroy 

the work he did 

"The Republic has no need for savants," 
sneered a tool of Robespierre as he sent 
Lavoisier, founder of modern chemistry, to 
the guillotine. A century later the French 
Government collected all the scientific 
studies of this great citizen of Paris and 
published them, that the record of his re- 
searches might be preserved for all time. 

Lavoisier showed the errors of the theory 
of phlogiston— that hypothetical, material 
substance which was believed to be an ele- 
ment of all combustible compounds and to 
produce fire when liberated. He proved 
fire to be the union of other elements with 
a gas which he named oxygen. 

Lavoisier's work goes on. In the Research 
Laboratories of the General Electric Com- 
pany the determination of the effects of 
atmospheric air on lamp filaments, on metals 
and on delicate instruments is possible be- 
cause of the discoveries of Lavoisier and 
his contemporaries. 



GENERAL ELECTRIC 



The Hampden National Bank 

WESTFIELD 
MASSACHUSETTS 


Mary: Jack, do you believe that it's right to kiss 
a girl?" 

Jack {pulling lamp cord) : Well, darling, that is no 
light subject. 

— Black and Blue Jay 


Rim: Better bail out the boat; she's half full. 
Bam: 'S alright; it'll run right over, soon's she's 

full. 

— Medley 


COMMERCIAL ACCOUNTS 

SAVINGS DEPARTMENT 

SAFE DEPOSIT ROXES 

50-WEEK CLURS 


Wife (who is terribly mad) : Are all men fools? 
Husband ( meekly) : Xo, some are bachelors. 

— Orange Owl 


Secoxd Girl from exd ix Front Row: Dearie, 
I wisht I had a college education like you. 

The One Xext to Her: I don't see why. It 
don't do me any good in the chorus. 

Secoxd G. f. E. i. F. R.: It don't? Why you 
get $'25 a week more because you can drink so natur- 
ally in the second act and you dance so naughty, 
too. 

— Black and lilac Jay 


We can help you in all branches of Ranking 
Your business is respectfully solicited 


Prof.: Is it not peculiar that when a person is 
blind his hearing is better and vice versa. The law 
of compensation always comes into action. 

Stude: Yes, I have noted that myself. For 
example, when a person has a short leg, the other is 
somewhat longer. 

— Stone Mill 


CALL HAMP 96 

FOR 

TAXI SERVICE 

Remember : 

We carry your athletic teams. 

"Nuffsed" 

City Taxicab Service 

Draper Hotel Ruilding 
Northampton 

PHONE 96 


Little sister was telling the next door girl all about 
it. 

"My sister Beatrice is awfully lucky. 

"She went to a party last night where they played 
a game in which the men either had to kiss a girl or 
pay a forfeit of a box of chocolates." 

"Well, how was Beatrice lucky?" 

"She came home with thirteen boxes of choco- 
lates." 

— Bison 


"What do you think of a boy who will make a girl 
blush?" 

% 'I think he's a wonder." 

— Yellow Jacket 



Little words of wisdom 
Make a student wiser; 

Take a tip from Squibb ie 
Know each advertiser! 



DIRECTORY OF LEADING FIRMS 

Page 

1. Hampden National Bank Inside Front Cover 

2. City Taxi Inside Front Cover 



3. Mitchell Belkin 

4. Mutual Plumbing and Heating Co. 

5. A. J. Hastings 

6. Paper City Engraving Company 

7. College Studio 

8. Lucky Strike 

9. Park Square Hotel 

10. The Armchair 

11. Andover Press 

1*2. College Candy Kitchen 

13. Sing Lee 

14. Essex Lunch 



1 

2 

3 
3 
21 
22 
22 
23 
23 
24 
24 



15. General Electric 



Inside Back Cover 



Special Re-opening and Holiday- 
Trial Offer 

jWttcijell Beifctn 

Two of our "Beautiful Adelphia Engraved 
Etchings" in 10x14 arona Artists folders. 

Official Photographer 

Smith Seniors 1922-1923 

Index 1924 

Shorthorn 1923 

All sittings by appointment. Make them now and 
avoid the Christmas rush. 



STUDIO: 

STATE AND CENTRAL STREETS 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

Telephone 1735 
OUR MOTTO : Courtesy and prompt attention to our patrons 



Eve: I need a new dress, my dear. 
Adam: Wait until autumn; clothing will drop 
then. 

- Medley 



Prof. : Can anyone mention a case of great 
friendship made famous through literature? 
Stewed : Mutt and Jeff. 

— Bison 



Sergeant (to colored sentry) : If anything moves, 
you shoot. 

Sentry: Yas, suh; an' if anything shoots, ah 



moves 



C. C. N. Y. Mercury 



Abe: How did you get dat broken arm? 

Sol: Peeked up. 

Abe: Vat's dat? 

Sol: I vos peeked up from under an automobile. 

— Rice Owl 



Mrs. Fondmother: Only to think, John, in five 
years baby '11 be going to school, and in twenty 
he'll be graduated. Isn't it frightful how old we're 



getting? 



— Mugwump 



Winchester 

Sporting Goods 

Athletic Goods 



Hardware 



The Mutual 

Plumbing and Heating Co. 
Amherst 



Tor: Do you see that woman over there? She has 
more men crazy about her than any other woman in 
Austin. 

Ro: Are you sure? She is a very common-place 
looking — 

Tor: Oh, she is the matron at the insane asylum. 

— Texas Ranger 



CRUELTY 

His Wife: Would you have married if you had it 
to do over again. 

Him : Yes, I would have married long before — 
His Wife: How sweet of you. 
Him: I met you. 

— Pitt Panther 



FAMOUS BOOKS BY FAMOUS AUTHORS 

(American, Chinese and Russian Authors.) 
"Successful Marriage," by Lotta Love. 
"How to Make a Fat Woman Thin," by Runner 
Ragged. 

"Loves Labor Lost," by Mister Chances. 
"The Nubian Princess," by Shesa Mulatto. 
"A Man's Revenge," by E. Nauder Nekk. 
"Tom Catt's Revenge," by Claude Back. 
"Rooster's Mistake," by Layda Negg. 
"Now or Never," by I. Will Crie. 

— Green Gander 



IN ANY NEW YORK APARTMENT HOUSE 

The cosy little parlor was pitch black and the odor 
of smoking cigarette butts clung to the room. Two 
hours ago Wamping Winsome Winnie had turned 
out the gas. A silence ensued, broken only by the 
clock on the mantel striking the hour. It was a dull, 
hollow sound which echoed through the silence of 
the room as a phantom spirit flitting about on the 
limbs of trees. A milk wagon rattled on the pave- 
ment outside. Silence followed — and then from 
the corner of the room in which the divan had been 
placed came several faint noises. 

" Smack-k-k — smack — ummmmmm gurgle-gulp 

ummmmmm-smack-smack — " then a soft sigh as 

of deep satisfaction. At last — the radiator had 

begun to boil. 

— Wasp 



She: My name is May I Kisu. What is yours? 

He: Al Wright. 

— Orange Owl 



Everything to write with, 
to write upon, to figure 
upon, and draw upon. 




A. J. HASTINGS 

NEWSDEALER 
and STATIONER 



"Dear Clara", wrote the young man, "Pardon 
me, but I'm getting so forgetful. I proposed to you 
last night, but really forgot whether you said yes, 
or no." 

"Dear Will," she replied, "So glad to hear from 
you. I knew I said yes to some one last night but 
I had forgotten just who it was." 

— Mugwump 



A young married man of a nearby town, whose 
family was recently enlarged by twins, rushed into 
the telegraph office to break the glad news to his 
parents. In his haste to get the joyful tidings on 
the wire, he wrote,y' Twins today. More tomorrow." 

— Mugwump 



ECONOMICS 



Two very pretty co-eds met on the street and 
kissed each other, with two young men watching the 
ceremony. 

Fibst: That's another of those unfair conditions." 

Second: What's that? 

First (pointing to scene) : Women doing men's 
work. 

— Orange Owl 



Paper City Engraving 
Company 



Engravers of 
THE AGGIE SQUIB 



Holyoke - Massachusetts 

Radcliffe Building 



Cfje College g>tuoio 

Photographs that Show Your 
Character 



Large Groups and Class Work 



241 Main Street 

Northampton 



"Janet wore a beautiful evening gown at her 
coming-out party." 

"That's good. She didn't have much to come out 
of, anyway." 

— Black and Blue Jay 



COLLEGIANS 

A cagey hat 
A wolly vest 
Some badges strung 
Across the chest 
Some baggy pants 
And socks of tan 
Are what comprise 
A college man. 

A powdered face 
Two well used lips 
A pair of knickers 
Bulging hips 
Some wild bobbed hair 
Without much curl 
And there you have 
The college girl. 



Mugwump 




TO SQUIBBY 



jforetoorb 



<2£ut of tfje besert tbere gallops! tbe IMjeife, tobere tbe sbip on tfie tibe i& a=rocfeing; 

tKfie Captain, a rascal immoral anb bolb, is; shearing in language tbat's sbocfeing; 

Qftje 3laby steps; out of fjer perfumeb bat!), anb rebeals -toell, at least one tofjite sboulber; 

&nb tbe brabe ifflounteb Cop of tbe iBtortbtoest police, be grotos toitb eacb minute mucb bolber; 

®nb i)tvz is a siren toitb ebony bair, anb a goton tbat is slinky anb tigbt; 

®nb, -bo^ens of things like tbat. g>o come on, kitt, let's go to tbe mobies tonigbt! 

^be girl from tbe country, in gingbam anb curls, toill fall for tbe city man's line; 
8nb aix custarb pies anb a ramsbackle Jf orb toill supply us a comeby fine ; 
!Un airplane toill rescue from banbits a girl, tobile tbe parson benign ties tbe knot; 
H>e anb IHje all alone on an islanb of palms, toitb toilb beasts, anb a sun fiercely bot ; 

itb "Virtue bictorious anb *^Tice on tbe run, toe fenoto all tbe enbings are rigbt; 

bat's tbe picture, say you? 3 bon't fenoto. He'll finb out toben toe go to tbe mobies tonigbt! 



Movie Number 



February, 1 924 




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QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



MANAGING EDITOR 

R. NOYES, '24 

ART EDITOR 

H. E. FRASER, '26 

ART DEPARTMENT 

A. MERLINI, '27 

LITERARY DEPARTMENT 

M. T. BOYD, '26 

M. M. MacMASTERS, '26 

E. J. WILLIAMS, '27 



EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 

ADVERTISING MANAGER 

B. NEEDHAM, "26 

LITERARY EDITOR 

F. BRUNNER, '24 

EXCHANGE EDITOR 

W. F. PRATT, '24 



BUSINESS MANAGER 

L. HALE, '25 

ASSISTANT BUSINESS MANAGER 

V. PIERCE, '25 

CIRCULATION MANAGER 

G. W. HAXSCOMB, '25 

BUSINESS DEPARTMENT 

H. LINDSCOG, '26 
H. RICHARDSON, '26 
J. W. PARSONS, '27 
R. A. DUPERRAULT, '27 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
in the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be ad- 
dressed to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do 
not receive copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $1.50; single 
copies 25 cents. Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 

Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



SHE: Do you think I'll ever be able to do any- 
thing with my voice? 
Singing Teacher: Might come in handy in case 
of fire. 



K 



ID Sister (to big brother home from Aggie) : You 
send the Squib to me — I won't show it to Pa. 



THE SQUIB 



MOTHER, dear, I must mail these letters." 
"I should say not. It's raining pitch-forks; 
it's not fit for a dog to be out. Here, let your father 
mail them for you/' 



SUGGESTION for a Song: Although the dye in 
' his socks is fast, the feet in the socks are slow. 



SHE: Help! I'm slipping! 
He (coming up from behind): 'S' all right, little 
girl. I don't mind having women fall for me! 



'HE Singer (torturously attempting "Manda- 
lay"): - - plucky lot she cared for idols when 
I kissed her where she stood ! 

Voice from the Gallery: Hey there, nix on the 
sole kisses! 



TABLOID MOVIE REVIEW 

IAdam and Eva: a fashion show; one girl; cos- 
. tumes a la season. 

2. The Covered Wagon : a moving melodrama. 

3. Rain: the whimsical story of a cat and a dog, 
who blew in traditionally, in several stormy scenes. 

4. Six Studies in Search of a Student: a study in 
realism. Special performances every Sunday even- 
ing. 



I WANT a pair of shoes for this little girl," said 
the mother. 
"Yes, ma'am," said the shoe clerk; "French kid?" 
"Well, I guess not," was the irate answer. "She's 
my own child, born right here in Grand Rapids." 



THE SHORTEST CONVERSATION 

►LEASE?" 

"No." 
"Why?" 
"Because." 




ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL 

(We know it is) 



Kate, 



DID you ever have a date 
With your Edith or your 
Or others that you know, 
To see a movie show? 

We know you did ! 
And did you have to wait 
Because your girl was late 
Till your feet were getting numb 
And you thought she'd never come? 

We know you did ! 
Did she give a baby stare 
And say she'd washed her hair, 
And then did she confess 
That she had to mend her dress? 

We know she did! 
And did you pace the floor 
Till she walked in at the door 
Because you thought you would 
Finally, make out pretty good? 

We know vou did! 



s 



UCCESS in love depends on remembering what 
to forget. 



THE SQUIB 



JUST a Composition by Johnny: "My pants 
fell down. It was a windy day and they weren't 
fastened very well to the line." 



CHAWLIE! 



T 



HIS is where that joke YOU should have con- 
tributed would have been printed. 

S 



r 'M not taking any chances. I must know in 
A advance. No, you can't make me waste^my 
evening before I know what I'm getting into — I've 
tried that before. The last ten weeks that I've been 
they've been rotten, absolutely rotten. No, it isn't 
the money — it's the doggone nonsense of the whole 
affair. What do I care about that darn sheik stuff? 

— No, I don't , well, I've outgrown that long 

ago. Absolutely wasted time " 

(Intermission of five minutes) 
"Well, I s'pose we might as well go." 



HE : Just one more like the last one, dear. 
She: We haven't time. You must leave in 
half an hour. 



HE had proposed — 
She accepted — 
"I always knew you were a man after my own 
heart, dear," she said. 



HAM Actor (with feeling) : Will you miss me? 
Voice from Back of the Hall: Gimme a gun 
and I'll try not to. 

S 

LAST night I went to the movies — 
Yea — 

I went to get some inspiration for the Squib — 
you know — the college funny paper — 

Yea — 

The Squib — inspiration for the humorous paper 
— inspiration — that's it — inspiration. Why, of 
course, that's the reason I went — none other — 

Yea — 

The Aggie — you know. No, no girl — just look- 
ing for inspiration — twenty-two cents' worth. Of 
course you know how I came out — yes, that old 
gag about the door — but I mean inspiration — 
that's what I was looking for. Just as I said — of 
course — . No need to tell you — result — you 
know that. If you don't you ought to. 




" IV TO, Bessie never dressed the way you do, to 
-A-^l catch a husband." 
"Maybe not, but look what she got." 



'HE only way to secure friends is to be one. 

S 

WHAT'S good for chapped lips?" 
"Keep away from the chaps." 

S 

LAUGH, and the world laughs with you. Kick- 
and you sleep alone. 



HE was married, old — thirty-eight, father of 
three. 

She was young, vivacious, beautiful beyond all 
description — and only sixteen — innocent, the inno- 
cence of ignorance. 

Terror was in her eyes — those large, soulful, 
dark-brown eyes — long lashes. 

He glared at her. He raised the cup to his lips — 
swallowed the sparkling red contents in one gulp. 

She trembled — 

The wine made him dizzy. He moved towards her. 

Oh, horrors — what was she to do — to do — 

"What shall I do!" she screamed — 

"W T e can't stand that — . Bring on that other 
woman." 

It was the director speaking. 



THE SQUIB 



Editorials 



m 



OVIES. Gosh, how we love them! And how they have changed in the last ten years or so! Do 
you remember the thrillers, — those hair-raising horrors which invariably, just when the lovely 
heroine had opened a trap door and fallen into a den exclusively populated by large hungry 
lions, or stepped blithely into a room where lurked the dastardly villian hissing, "Aha, my proud 

beauty, at last I have you in my power " flashed on the screen those tantalizing words, "Continued 

next week"? Or the cowboy fillums where they dashed for hours and hours across miles and miles of shade- 
less prairie, and saved the handsome hero from being hung to a large, efficient-looking oaktree? Happy days! 
At present, we have with us the Heart Throbs, all gingham and giggles and a dear old gray -haired mother. 
Or the Perfume Pictures, full of marcels, and evening gowns, and wicked willianesses smoking cigarettes, and 
purple passion in general. Or pictures busily picturing the throbbing, or is it teeming? — life of the great 
open spaces, where Men are Men, and Women are Too Gosh-darned Pure for Words. Our own favorite 
movie actor is the Aesop Fables cat, that lovely beast with the shimmy smile, but they have all kinds for all 
sorts of tastes, thus going Mr. Heinz and his mere fifty-seven varieties at least 1000 better. Long live the 
movies, where love, hate, horror, and happiness are ground out in the dark on a wrinkled screen to the tune of 
a battered piano ! 



m 



'E hurry through a late supper, dash upstairs for a clean shirt, hunt frantically for that elusive collar 
button, hastily adjust a Christmas tie, scramble down stairs again, snatch hat and coat, slam the 
front door and just manage to pull up to the white post as the car jerks to a stop. We heave a 
sigh of security as we settle back in our seat, and wait to be carried (on the installment plan) to 
our destination. After carefully alighting from the car, we manage to successfully dodge several automobiles, 
and finally heave another sigh as we slide into the long line behind a more than "fat and forty" lady and in 
front of a "barely" sixteen youth. We notice tonight's big feature, "Father's Nose", flashing from the 
lighted sign, and the girl inside the ticket cage contentedly chewing her gum as she doles out tickets with 
clock-like regularity. After purchasing ours, we move along the carpeted hall past the long row of mirrors, 
glancing timidly now and then to see if our Christmas tie is in its proper place. Faint strains of an overture 
remind us that we are late. Quickening our steps we pass through the door and find ourselves in the dark; a 
light flashes in our face; a low voice says "follow me". With one eye on the figure in front of us and one on 
the screen, we follow. After another word from the gentle voice, several people rise. After treading on 
several "pet" corns and stumbling over umbrellas we cannot help letting just one more sigh escape, as we 
settle into our seat and prepare to enjoy an evening at the MOVIES. 




THE SQUIB 



1 



2. 
3. 



7. 



I WANT TO KNOW 

HOW movie heroines sleep in chiffon and lace 
nighties, and wake up in the morning without 
one ruffle being ruffled? 
Why a mustache is the villain's badge? 
What keeps up these backless, frontless, and 
strapless evening gowns? And why? 
Why all movie mothers are aged and white- 
haired? 

Who designs May Murray's costumes, and why 
the cloth always gives out before her clothes are 
made? 

Do they dry-clean the bathing girls' bathing- 
suits? 

How thickly padded is the cell of the man who 
writes the "art titles"? 




COP: What yer got? A tumor: 
Souse: Naw, it's a can, sir. 



A VARIATION 

TWINKLE, little movie star, 
I know exactly what you are! 
I have seen the ads you signed 
Saying that you hoped we'd find 
Things as good for us as you: 
So I know your curls are due 
To Color-it and Ink Shampoo. 
Your complexion is synthetic too, 
Your cheeks with Roug-em brightly glow, 
Your brows are arched with Pencil-o; 
Some-Kiss Perfume and Lake's Cold Cream 
Give you the face "of which men dream" 
(The ads say so!). But listen, gosh! 
What do you look like when you wash? 



RHAPSODY IN D 

OH, that face! At night I look at it often, even 
more often than during the day. That face; 
and those little hands that seem to hold my fate, — 
those little hands that mean everything to me! How 
often have I looked hopefully, tensely, fearfully, ex- 
pectantly into that face, and been raised to the 
heaven of happiness or dashed to the depths of hell 
by a single movement of one hand. How can I say 
what I think of that familiar, yet ever-changing 
face? At night I think of it, and the first thing in 
the morning I turn on my pillow and look at it with 
an agony of expectation. No, I cannot say what I 

think, for it is usually something like this: ' all 

alarm clocks, and this one. If it's seven- 
thirty yet, I'm a " 

Well, maybe I am. Oh, that clock face! 



HAM: Don't you think, after all, in any schools 
the Deans are its best supporters? 
And: Well, at any rate, they're the best sus- 
penders. 



FAIR Thing: Two hairnets, please. 
Clerk: What strength? 
Fair Thing: Two dances and a car ride. 



FROSH: Are you a mind-reader? 
Soph : Yes. 
Frosh: Can you read my mind? 
Soph: Yes. 
Frosh: Well, why don't you go there? 



s 



TUDE: Last night I dreamed I was in heaven. 
Roommate: Did you see me there? 
Stude: Yes, that is how I knew I was dreaming. 



flM: Let's have a college ice. 
" Jam: I haven't any money. 
Jim: I'm not hungry either. 



THE SQUIB 



THE party was getting good. 
The man with the whimsical eyebrow was 
giving his celebrated imitation of Jesse James about 
to rob a train, "- — not robbing it, ladies and gen- 
tlemen, but about to rob it. Notice this carefully, 
about to rob it." 

The host was shaking something in a silver shaker. 
It might have been fruit lemonade. But probably 
it wasn't. He called to the youth who was teaching 
the piano to sing for its supper. 

"Hey, Sam, come here and pour these drinks. 
Here's the glasses." 

"Drinks? Pour 'em? Sure, just how do you want 
them poured?" 

"Whaddye mean, how? There's not more than 
one way." 

"Yes, two. Down or out!" 



EXIT 

A Play in Two Acts and Two Actions 

ACT I. Love. 
"Darling, if I got old and homely and 
wrinkled and fat, would you love me still?" 
Act II. Leaving. 

I don't know. I never heard you that way!" 

Bang! 



S 



LAST NIGHT 







I love her on the back porch. 



DO YOUR STUFF 

(Apologies to "Puppet") 

Seen: any two nights a week. 

Time: not much. 

Characters: any two, m. and f. 

TT'S getting pretty late. 

Yes, I can see the chapel clock from here. 
We'll have to be going in about five minutes. 
Sure, we can make it in ten minutes easy. 
Yes, — it's pretty cold out tonight, isn't it? 
Think so? I hadn't noticed it. 
We only have a few minutes more. 
'S'all right, I'm watching the clock. 

Isn't the moon wonderful? You know, it's funny 
the way the moon makes you feel — 

Yeh, isn't it? 

The back of this bench is awfully hard. 

Let's try that other bench over there. 

They always leave the lights on at the door when we 
come in 

Zatso? 

Yes. Then there's usually a lot of people around too. 
Don't you hate saying good-night in a crowd? 

No, I don't mind it at all. 

You're so nice and tall, — my head just comes to your 
shoulder when we sit like this. 

Yes, I'm pretty tall. 

Yes. Yes, — yes, say, it's awfully cold here, and the 
bench back is awfully hard, and there's only a 
second more before we have to go 

Well, I guess you're right. Yeh, the clock says 

Oh hell, let's go home. 

Another night wasted! 



THE SQUIB 



THE WICKEDEST WOMAN 

Produced by HERMAN J. BLUMENFISH 

Directed by H. Johan Blumenfish An H. J. Blumenfish Production 

Story by Lotta Bunk Adapted by H. Blumenfish 

Sub-titles by Aggie Pond Photographed by Turner Crank 

PASSED UP BY THE NATIONAL BOARD OF REVIEW 

^RT title: The buildings of New York, like the wicked glittering tenacles of an implacable octopus, hold 
-*-* in thrall the soul of many a woman to whom Love seems but a lovely dream of her golden youth. 
Fade in on view of Fifth Avenue at five o'clock on a busy day. Slowly dissolve into long shot of 

Lilith De Vere — (the wickedest woman) — Nitro Glycerine. She is smoking a cigarette and is 
clothed in a tea gown of two leopard skins and twenty-nine strings of beads. Fade out slowly. 

Spoken title. "That night in the gilded restaurant, Lilith was a gay reveller in the merry party of Pier- 
pont de Morganbilt. 

Scene 1. Spot of gilded restaurant, showing orchestra, ten inches of dancing floor, and ten square miles 
of bare backs. A chorus enters and Lilith shimmies enthusiastically. 

2. At a nearby table sits a man, young, handsome, alone. He watches Lilith, then beckons to a waiter. 
Spoken title. " I am a man of few words. Money will be yours if you tell me her name." 

3. Close up of man registering determination. 

4. Close up of Lilith's shoulder. 

5. Further determination. 

6. Waiter approaches Lilith and serves her an eclair. He whispers in her ear, and nonchalantly she 
crushes the eclair and extracts a message. 

Title. "Your fatal beauty has won my heart. I must see you alone. Clarence Carter." 

7. Close up of a subtle smile wreathing Lilith's lips. Fade to 

8. Long shot of Lilith writing on a cigarette, which she places between her lips, and rises to dance. As 
she passes his table she lets it fall from her lips. 

Title: "As the hours waned, the revelry waxed apace." 

9. Iris in on revelry waxing apace, indicated by gentleman catching a goldfish in the central fountain. 
Cut to 

10. Long shot of Lilith leaving with Clarence. She smiles enigmatically as he calls a taxi. 
Spoken title: " I did not know they made women like you !' ' 

11. Fade out on disappearing taxi, and into view to taxi stopping at an apartment house. Lilith and 
Clarence enter together. 

Title: "Six hours later he felt the hot tide of passion coursing in his veins, and yet — ' ' 

12. Iris in to apartment. Lilith is seen clad in her leopard skins lying on a black velvet cushion. 
Clarence is bending over her, passionately biting her collar bone. 

Spoken title: "Stop, you must not do this. It is wrong." 

13. Long shot of Lilith standing with arms outflung against a black velvet curtain. Clarence holds out 
his own arms to her in an imploring gesture. 

Spoken title: "No, no, it can never be. I am not what you think. Come, I will show you my secret." 
15. Lilith opens a door. Clarence gazes into a tiny white room where seventeen babies lie asleep. 
16-21. Assorted shots of assorted infants. 

22. Lilith beds over crib devotedly, and straightens to meet Clarence's adoring eye. 
Spoken title: "My wonderful woman ! But I do not understand." 

23. Close up of Lilith, eyes uplifted to Heaven. 

Spoken title: "Always I have loved kiddies. These I have adopted. Now you know all." 

24. Close up of Clarence, emoting heavily. Fade to 

25. Long shot showing him sweeping Lilith in a tender but enveloping embrace. 
Spoken title: "My Lily! My woman!" 

26. Artistic slow fade out on tableau of Clarence, his back encircled by two white arms. A child is seen 
playing on the leopard skin. 

Art title: "And so, thru the mazes of the city's wicked wiles, these two found each other and Happiness 

everlasting." 

A HERMAN J. BLUMENFISH PRODUCTION 
THE END 



THE SQUIB 











\k 



A^£>Er^TO^> 




THE SQUIB 



I 



ANOTHER HYMN OF HATE 

'M tired of women. 
I can chart all their lines in advance. 



There are the Primroses. 

The bashful maidens with soft voices, 

They blush when you speak to them 

And tell each other with Horror 

Of that naughty man they heard saying 

"Darn it all" on the campus the other day. 

I'd like to kiss one thoroughly some day. 

But she would probably die from the shock, 

And who wants a dead Primrose? 

Who wants one anyway? 

Then there are the Athletes. 

The Husky Hefties with the Outdoor Complex. 

Also the Outdoor Complexion. 

They ride you like they ride their horses, 

And suggest little strolls up Toby and back — 

In the rain — to show what Good Guys they are! 

Have you a little Muscle in your home? 

I'll say I haven't. 

And then consider the Sharks. 

The Brainy Beans with high ideas. 

And Higher Marks, the Study Hounds; 

They believe that time was made to study in — 

Likewise the Library. 

They wear large shell blinkers 

And sensible shoes 

And believe that Woman's place is with her books. 

Theirs is. 

After them, the Pals. 

The professional Good Sports. 

They tell you, "None of this petting stuff for us, 

Is there?" "We're just good friends. 

Aren't we?" 

And then when you believe them, they go home and 

Ha-Ha, handing the rest of the Girls a hot line 

On how simple you are to manage, 

Falling for that old stuff. 

I prefer a dog any day! 

And last of all the Teasers. 

The little things who Don't Mean Anything. 

They hand you a hot line 

And then give you the cold shoulder. 

They just can't see why men misunderstand 

Their innocent motives. 

Well, that's one way of looking at it. 

I'm tired of women. 

I can chart all their lines in advance. 



SQUIB'S SPECIAL STORIES 

THE famous "Two Inch Shelf" is now available 
for every student in college. 

Young man ! Are you reading? And what? 

The distinction between a well-read man and one 
who is not well-read, is merely that the former have 
a dinner table acquaintance with modern literature. 
Therefore Squib takes great pleasure in presenting 
a condensed table of the modern short story. 
Twenty minutes a day will enable you to hold your 
own in any society. The types below furnish a 
basis for conversation. For the rest, it is only 
necessary to mention an author's name and smile 
knowingly, as "Ah, Blackwood!" (admiration), or 
"Ah, Lewis!" (sophisticated scorn), or Ah, the 
realists!" (amused toleration). 

I. The Russian Novel. 

"Little Mother," murmured Elena Ostravitch, 
arranging her scarlet samovar tightly about her 
black and greasy head, "it is snowing das vy danya." 

The old woman slashed her face across with drosky. 

"Stop!" cried Ivan Ivanosky, "she is my wife." 

With manly vigor he threw a heavy ruble at her. 
She died, horrible, like a shattered ikon. He picked 
up a pistol and shot Elena. She died, horribly, 
smearing the floor with blood. 

He went insane. 

He shot himself. 

II. The American Novel. 

It snowed. The snow went down John J. Jones's 
collar. It melted in little streams down his back. 

Then he was home, the hot, cabbage-laden air 
stinking in his nostrils. His wife, a tired, faded 
woman of fifty, was wearily frying pork chops in an 
old blackened pan. 

"I thought we'd have chops tonight," she said. 
"Chops is good in cold weather." 

He agreed. "Yes, in cold weather chops is kinda 
nice." 

"There ain't nothing much nicer on a cold night 
than chops, is what I always say. Don't you think 
chops is good, John?" 

"Yeah, chops is good when it starts getting cold. 
Well, of course some people says not, but what I 
always says is, you can't beat chops on a cold night." 

They had chops for dinner. 

III. The Prehistoric Novel. 
The man. 

The big club. 

The woman. 

The club and the woman. 

The happy home. 

IV. The First Novel. 
An amoeba. 

Two Amoebas. 



THE SQUIB 



T)ROUD Dad (visiting College Campus): Well, my 
-*■ lad, I guess you know my son, don't you? 

Innocent Young Frosh : Oh, yes; we sleep in the 
same class. 



HAVE you heard the joke about the tree? 
"No." 
"Oh, it's too shady to publish." 



THE SNOW KING 




THREE WILD FLOWERS WE HAVE KNOWN 

{Observed and Collected on the M. A. C. Campus, 1923) 
Fringed Gentian. Gentiana Whiskeroides. 



1 



Habitat: early classes. Assemblies, etc. 

Soil: very slight. Texture: rough. 
Remarks: the genus Senior often shows the fringed 
lip so characteristic of the family. Very sensitive to 
razors, in fact, the fringe often disappears entirely in 
contact with one. 

2. Wild Aster. Aster Sheikiana. 

Habitat: dances, street-cars, and dark places 

generally. 
Soil: a hydrophyte, flourishing in liquid. 
Remarks: last syllable of the common name may 
be omitted. Specimens may be easily secured and 
kept indefinitely in alcohol. 

3. The Some-do. Osculatoria nox. 
Habitat: dark and unfrequented places. 

Habit of growth: clinging. Soil: almost any kind 
of dirt. 
Remarks: as a genus noted for its persistence. No 
cutting kills it off, no frost withers it. Presses well. 



A WONDERFUL specimen of "White's" work. 
A huge polar bear in Greenland sitting on a 
cake of ice enjoying a marshmallow college ice. 



STAMMERING Lieut.: Does anybody know 
where I put-put-put my put-put-puttees? 
Captain (in next room) : Ah ! They've got that 
Ford to working at last! 



CO-ED: Why don't you call Bill at the frat? 
Second Ditto: Yeah! Can't you just hear 
them yell, "Hey, Bill, there's a skirt on the line for 

you ! r 



A SHADY PICTURE 



THE woman always pays." If one cou'd only 
convince women of this around dinner time, 
it would be a great help. 



S 



HpHE One: I wanted to tell you while it was fresh 
-*- in my mind — 
The Other: Stop! I never listen to those horrid 
jokes! 




AN exceptionally fine view of two negroes shovel- 
ing coal in a dark cellar at night. 



THE SQUIB 



I 



ANOTHER OF A. SAPP'S FABLES 



I. The Hare and the Tortoise. 

The Hare and the Tortoise were to run their race. 
The betting was heavy, but the odds were great 
against the Hare, for the townspeople had all read 
their story books and knew what was going to 
happen. So the day before the race the Hare bet all 
his money on himself. And won the race. He had 
read the books too and fooled them all by not going 
to sleep as they scheduled him to do. 

Moral He laughs best who laughs last. 



DID you ever sit in a class-room 
Knowing that you would be called on next 
To recite something from memory, 
And your mind refused 
To do anything but imitate a china plate; 
Blank. 

And when you wildly asked your neighbor 
You got only one line, and then sat 
Repeating it over and over 
Dumbly. 

And then suddenly, you were called on 
And you stood up 
And — 

The whole thing came into your mind 
And you scored a perfect recitation? 
No, neither did we! 



WHAT'S a sausage? " 0ntL ^ rt ^ 
"Dunno." , t N , 

"It's a ground hog. 




«f*A ^V~; 



ft ^rv t^r\ Vro.iKrmovH.fWu 




DARLING, will you 
marry me?" 
"Have you seen mother?" 
"Yes, but I still love you." 



SHE must have a sheep skin." 
"Why?" 
"You called her your little lamb." 



1CALL my dog 'Sandwich'." 
"Why? Because he is a hot dog?" 



'No, because he's half bred." 



A 



LARMED Voice from the Interior: Hey 

you, keep out! I'm taking a bath 

The Well-boiled Egg: Zhatso, mishter? Where 
to? 



A STATELY STATEMENT 

THERE once was a young man from Ga., 
Who became a notorious fa. 
When captured, he said, 
"In the chase I have led, 
I hope at least I've never ba." 



c 



AN IDLE IDYLL 

HAPTER I. A bench. A book. A shady 
nook. 

Chapter II. A student too. An exam soon due. 
Chapter III. One sleepy look. Discarded book. 
Chapter IV. Much sleep. A snore. Then sev- 
eral more. 

'S'all! 



FIRST Botany Stude: Butter-and-Eggs was in- 
troduced from Europe. 
Second: They must have introduced hens from 
Europe, then. 

First: Sure, and cows, too. 



THE SQUIB 



I MET our old friend, Doc Ebonyhead, again 
yesterday. Doe is getting pretty old now and 
will soon be leaving us. I asked Doc how he felt and 
to my surprise he felt great and felt as though he was 
getting young again. Monkey glands didn't do it, 
either, so I was rather anxious to find out what was 
the cause of his feeling young. I inquired and he told 
me, since I was once an inhabitant of Amherst. 

"Well, you see," said Doc, "I was sick last week 
and so I called in the parson and told him I didn't 
know whether to go to Heaven or Hades." 

The parson gave him a two-way ticket to Heaven 
and told him to go up and see if he liked it. So Doc- 
took the first elevator up and he met St. Peter at the 
gate. 

"Can I enter Heaven?" he asked Peter. 

"Where do you come from?" St. Peter demanded. 

"I come from Amherst," he replied. 

"No; I can't let you in here," said St. Peter. 

So Doc took the elevator back to earth and told 
the parson his story. The parson gave him a two- 
way ticket to Hades. Doc took the boat to Hades 
and met Old Nick at the door. 

"Can I enter Hades?" 

"Where do you come from?" demanded Old Nick. 

"Amherst," was Doc's reply. 

"Sorry, I can't let you in," said Nick hastily. 

"Ye Gods! " thought Doc, "have I got to return to 
Amherst?" 



EXPERIENCE is a dead loss if you cannot sell 
it for more than it costs. 



AS THE YEARS ROLL BY 

f I "^HE lights were out. They were drawn up close 
A to the fireplace, comfortably seated in a divan. 
Her head rested lightly on his shoulder; their silence 
seemed to bespeak perfect harmony. The fire danced 
and flittered, taking on different forms. It was the 
time for reflections. Finally the silence was broken 
by a feminine voice: "Dear, it seems like old times; 
the fire brings back the same old meaning." It was 
mother and father recalling their courting days. 

In another room the lights were out. They were 
drawn up close to each other, the fireplace was 
absent. They were petting. A similar silence be- 
spoke their harmony. Finally the stillness was dis- 
turbed by a feminine voice: "Dear, how dull it must 
have been when our parents were young and a fire 
had to be kept in the fireplace to keep the room 
warm." It was daughter and her beau in modern 
times. 



S 



'IRST Collar: And what are you so cleaned up 
for? 



Second Collar: Necking tonight. 



s 



ONG for an Orphan Asylum: "The trustees 
gave a derrick; told us 'Bring the children up'." 



w 



HERE are our seats?" 
"GotoH." 
Sir!" 



DOTTY DIALOGUES 

THE One : Did you give Helen my love when you 
saw her last night? 
And the Other: Yes, and she told me to tell you 
she returned it. 

One Again: Ain't that like a woman. But it's the 
first time one ever gave me back anything. 

The Other: Say, didn't you ever kiss the woman? 



AK7ATCHA doin'? 



Hard wa rely speakin', I'm 

"Well ?" 

"Hookin' tacks." 




A ''CLOSE-UP" 



THE SQUIB 



THAT fellow is showing up well for his first 
night in the game." 
"Huh, I've seen some girls who have shown up 
well the first night on the stage." 



rTlHAT girl has a problematical personality." 



"Um, she is a figurative girl." 



M 



OST of the trouble in this world is produced by 
those who don't produce anything else. 



DISCOMFORTS OF THE MOVIES 

THE nearby woman who reads all of the printed 
matter to her companion. 
The sob-stuff so much engaged in by some. 
The uncalled-for break in the film just at an intimate 

scene between the hero and heroine. 
Envy of the hero in some of his privileges with the 

heroine. 
Sudden change of scene when the maiden prepares 

for the bath. 
Unexpected turning on of the lights at the end of the 

picture when engaged in a petting party. 



S 



IN view of what the girls wear today we would 
suggest that the term petticoat be declared obso- 
lete and petting-coat be substituted. 



WHENEVER I 
hymn." 



look at that girl I think of a 



Which one?" 
'How Firm a Foundation'." 



(Editor's Note: The following history was submitted 
with illustrations for each verse. Owing to the lack of 
space we are unable to furnish them for you. However, 
if you have a vivid imagination — an attribute all 
Squib readers must have — you will receive full benefit 
from the following .) 

A MOST UN-NATURAL HISTORY 

{Separated into syllables for good little farmers and 

farmerettes) 



1 



2. 



6. 



Here we have a Cam-u-el, 

A very thirst-y beast; 

He goes a week with-out a drink 

Then drinks a tub at least. 

This spotty thing is a Gir-affe, 
Con-struct-ed on a slant: 
At neck-ing parties there is not 
A thing to do it can't. 

An Ele-phant this is, my dears. 
It has a trunk (which is its nose), 
This nose is wrig-gley, dears, and looks 
Ex-act-ly like a piece of hose. 

Be kind-ly to the Horse, because 
In college, like as not, 
He will re-mem-ber what you did. 
And take you for a trot. 

The Boa Con-strict-or, you see, 
Had big ideas in his youth; 
He crushes most pro-mis-cuous-ly, 
I'd hate to meet him, that's the truth! 

The Tiger is a striped cat, 
Whom you need never mind — 
He is not dan-ger-ous to you 
Unless, — the tiger's blind! 

The Tim-id Mouse is sel-dom seen. 
But when he is, oh boy! 
You'll hear a shriek and see, I'm sure, 
A sight you will enjoy. 



STUDE: Will you go to the cross-walk with me: 
Co-ed: I might go a little farther with you. 



8. The Dachshund is a flat-tened form 
Of dog: now get him right, — 
He is a can-ine, tho he looks 
More like a yard of pipe. 



►ROF: Wild silk is made by wild worms that live 
on oak leaves. 
Stude: What made the worms wild? 
Ditto: Because they saw the oaks leave. 



THAT girl must have a fine supply of stories." 
"Does she go with a sailor?" 
"No, a traveling salesman." 



THE SQUIB 



TO THE WRITER OF "THE CO-ED'S CREDO" 



H 



E believes that: — 

1. The campus was made for men. —pow- 
dering her nose on the steps -- idiots - 
Feet are important. "- — what if she is dumb; 

she can dance " 

Sunday nights are made for hard study. ? ? ? ? ? 
Girls always compare notes. "- -oh, she'll 
tell Peg, all right " 



3. 
4. 

5. The girls in the Abbey spend their time waiting 
for phone calls. 

6. Socks were made to show. "- -Shall I wear 
red or green?" 

7. Every time a girl says, "I always go out every 
night during the vacation", that she does. 

8. Strolls are more important than Studies. 

9. When he is told, "I never knew a man like you 
before,— ' he ought to believe all of it. 

10. The best place to wait for the next class is 
a,J Stockbridge steps, 
o. Clark Hall steps. 

c. French Hall steps. 

d. Wilder Hall steps. 

e. Any other place where he can block the 
way. 



DE-PARTED 




" QAY, where in the devil is my comb?" 
^ "Dunno, you must have parted with it this 



PERHAPS "The female of the species is more 
deadly than the male," but we rather imagine 
that in a tight place the men can hold their own. 



" ]\/T Y ghl believes in support." 
1V1 "Why so?" 
"She gave me a pair of garters for Christmas." 







WHAT do you expect to rate when you leave 
college?" 
"Well, I hope to spit." 

S 

HAS George a brilliant line?" 
"I'd say it was more like brilliant wine." 
"What do you mean?" 
"Well, he got all lit upon it." 



T LIKE this fortnight coffee." 



"Why the name, Alphonso, why the name?" 
It's so weak." 



HOW did you happen to get thrown out of the 
dance last night?" 
"Well you see, it was like this. They told me to 
get in the receiving line, and then they got mad about 
midnight when I said I hadn't received a darn thing 
all evening." 

S 

SHE (just introduced) : Somehow you seem fa- 
miliar. 
He: Good Heavens! I haven't started yet. 

S 

f I ^HE best we've heard yet was the one our kid 
A sister got off at Christmas, when she said, 
"May I look at your 'Squab'?" How's that for a 
knock at poor Squibb y? 



THE SQUIB 




First Girl: Can't you drive that car yet? Why 
Jack has been giving you lessons for at least a month. 
Secong Girl: Yes, I know. But he hasn't 
proposed yet. 

Oklahoma Whirlwind 
S 
Miss (in swimming class) : I'd like to ask you 
something about my swimming suit. 

Instructor: Well, get it off your chest. 
Miss: Sir! ! ! !" 

— Showme 
S 

Otto: Gee, I made a bad break at dinner last 
night ! 

Ditto: Don't tell us the one about the cracked 
plate ! 

Otto: No! Mother asked me if I wouldn't have 
some more corn. I said, "Sure!" and — passed my 
glass. 

— Black and Blue Jay 
S 

Ja? Nek (at Missouri) : Waiter, hic-bring m' 
shome prunes. 

Waiter: Stewed, sir? 

Jak Nek: Thash none of your business. 

— Oklahoma Whirlwind 
S 

Dilapidated Dodgework: Pardon me, sir, but 
have you seen a policeman around here? 
Polite Pedestrian: No, I am sorry. 

D. D.: Thank you. Now will you kindly hand 
over your watch and purse? 

— Bison 
S 

Zoology Prof.: Where can the missing link be 
found? 

Student (waking up) : Have you looked under the 
dresser, sir? 

— Medley 



HER FLOP 

A lass came tripping down the street, 
She looked, I'll say, oh, very neat, 
But evidently not discreet; 
The street was steep, her pace too fleet; 
She tripped, I say — Oh, what a treat! 

— Yellow Jacket 
S 
Lady: How much will I have to pay for a pair of 
silk hose? 

Clerk: About two dollars. 
Lady: They come rather high, don't they? 
Clerk: Yes, but remember, you are a rather tall 
lady. 

— Medley 
S 
"Don't be bashful, dear. Go up to the window 
and tell the man what we want." 

" Er-uh-marriage license for two, please." 

— Harvard Lampoon 
S 

I was holding her. 
She was holding me. 
And her pa came in 
And didn't say a word 
Because he saw we were 
Holding each other 
In conversation. 

— Stone Mill 
S 
AND THE PROFESSORS 

"Haven't seen you for a long time. Where are you 
living now?" 

"I've got a house across the river, on the bluff, but 
T don't like it. It's too lonesome over there." 

"Well, why not move down near the college? 
You'll have lots of company. All the students there 
live on a bluff." 

— C. C. N. Y. Mercury 



"No, Freda, a French curve is not necessarily a 
Parisian Beauty." 

— Rice Owl 



He (drunk) : You're the light of my life. 

She: I may be the light, but I'm not the one that's 



lit. 



— Cracker 



PARLOR REPARTEE NO. 1 

(Action — brief struggle) She: Oh, I think you're 
awful ! 

(Action — very brief struggle) He: Awful what? 
(Action — but no struggle) She: Oh, awful nice. 

— Brown Jug 



Husband (rushing into room) : Come out quick. 

Wife: What's the matter? 

Husband: The house is on fire and we will be 
burnt to death if you don't come out. 

Wife: Yes, I'll be out in a minute. I've got to 
tidy up the room a little, so that it will look decent 
when the firemen get here. 

- Oklahoma Whirlwind 



Office Boy : A gentlemen was here while you were 
away and said he had come to beat the stuffm' out of 
you. 

Editor: What did you tell him? 

Office Boy: I told him I was sorry, you were out. 

— Oklahoma Whirlwind 



THE COMING OUT PARTY 

9 P.M.: "Who let you out?" 

10 P.M.: "Does your mother know you're out?" 

11 P.M.: "When did you get out?" 
"Let's go out?" 
'Pour it out." 
Passed out. 
Dragged out. 

- Brown Jug 



12 P.M.: 

1 P.M.: 

2 P.M.: 

3 P.M.: 



Lord Waldorf: How dost take on that well- 
groomed appearance? Dost pin thy faith on Stick- 
um? 

Sir Thompson-Childs : Nay, forsooth 'tis simply 
managed. A doughnut or two for breakfast; then 
the hand stroked gently through the hair! 

— Mirror 



All Successful Men Use the 

Toasted Process in Their 

Business! 



THEY CALL it Efficiency. 

Butitamountstothe same thing. 

Because, stripped of its purely 
technical significance, the Toasted 
Process is efficiency by another 
name. It represents the last ounce 
of efTorr which, in all the produc- 
tion of men, distinguishes the 
isolated examples of quality. 
Toasting the tobaccos in LUCKY 
STRIKE CIGARETTES adds 45 
minutes to the cost of production, 
but it seals in the flavor! 

And we would rather save the 
flavor than the time. 



CHANGE TO THE BRAND 
THAT NEVER CHANGES 



W 



ITS TOASTED' 



/I 



Park Square Hotel 

Westfield 

Solicits your patronage 



Special attention given to banquets 



Jones: What did your sightseeing trip cost you? 

Smith: Five dollars a pint. 

— Malteaser 



SMALL TOWN STUFF 

A village parson's daughter eloped in her father's 
clothes — 

And the next day the village Blatter came out 
with an account of the elopement, headed: "Flees 
in Father's Pants." 

— Parrakeet 



I love the taste of lip stick. 

The Tea Hound said to Grace. 

She blushed, then hesitated, 

And passed him her vanity case. 

— Black and Bine Jay 



When a man gets married, his wife is judged by 
the girl he used to go with. 

— Malteaser 



HAVE YOU? 

Have you ever been 

Sucked in for a date 

With a visitor 

And then you are 

Told on the 

Phone that we would 

Play bridge 

Instead of going to 

The dance, 

And then you 

Bring up visions 

Of some sad thing 

That is impossible 

But when 

You finally get there 

She turns 

Out to be the 

Prettiest and 

Loveliest 

Thing on earth. 

Have you? 

No? 

Well, 

Neither have I. 



THE ARMCHAIR 

Corner Elm and Crescent 
Streets 

NORTHAMPTON 



Yellow Jacket 



"The Tea Room with an Atmosphere 



f > 



The idea is to provide a place where 

you may meet a friend, chat, if so 

inclined, or rest awhile. 



TELEPHONE 1289-M 



"Do you propose to get married?" 

"Well, I should say so." 

"I thought so. Most men do." 

— Black and Blue Jay 



Look them over when they're Freshmen, 
Pick them out when they're Sophomores, 
Fuss with them when they're Juniors, 
And you'll have them when they're Seniors, 
says the Sage of Soho. 

— Pitt Panther 



Judge: What proof have you that Rastus hit you 
on the eye? 

Sambo: Yo' honor, I got it down in black and blue. 

— Molteaser 



He: Dearest, our engagement is off. A fortune- 
teller just told me that I was to marry a blonde in a 
month. 

She: Oh, I can be a blonde in a month! 

— Harvard Lampoon 



The ANDOVER PRESS 



PRINTERS PUBLISHERS 

STATIONERS 



g£Us 




SCHOOL and COLLEGE ANNUALS 
A SPECIALTY 



Press Building .:. Andover 



AGGIE MEN 



FOR 



That Sunday Night Supper 



OR FOR 



A Bite in-between-times 



VISIT 



THE- 



College Candy Kitchen 

The Best in Lunches, Candy, Sodas, Ice Cream and 
Smokers' Supplies 



MARK OF RESPECT 

"Here waiter. This steak is positively burned 
black." 

"Yes sir. Mark of respect, sir. Our head cook 
died yesterday." 

— Yellow Jacket 



He: Are you angry, dear? 

She: Don't talk to me. 

He: May I kiss you? 

She: I said I don't want any of your lip. 



— Froth 



An Englishman heard an owl for the first time. 
"What was that?" he asked. 
"An owl," was the reply. 

"My deah fellah, I know that, but what was 
'owling?" 

— Black and Blue Jay 



Extract from newspaper account of an accident. 
"The accident bruised her somewhat and hurt her 
otherwise." 

— Shounne 



SING LEE 

Hand Laundry 



Our laundry is first class, 
our policy is guaranteed. 
Repairing and all kinds of 
Washing done at reasonable 
prices. 



1 Main St., Amherst, Mass. 

Op p. Postoffice 



AT THE ZOO 

Small Young Thing: Oh what's the matter with 
that ape? The poor thing. 

Keeper: He sprained his arm. 

S. Y. T.: Oh, I see; a monkey wrench. 

— Medley 



Oh, rosy was the sunshine 

When Rosie came to town, 
And rosy was the outline 

Through Rosie's shadow gown. 

— Orange Owl 



HE HAD BETTER LUCK THAN WE DID 

"I wore my new engagement ring to the party last 
night." 

"Was it noticed much?" 
"I should say so! Several of the girls recognized 
it at once." 

— Yellow Jacket 



Relaxation, dissipation, degradation — failure. 
Aspiration, inspiration, perspiration — success. 

— Yellow Jacket 



The Essex Lunch 



Student: Where's Malcolm? 
Roommate: A policeman came and got him. 
Student: Thasso? What was he charged with? 
Roommate: Moonshine, I think. 

— Oklahoma Whirlwind 



Open 6:00 A. M. 

The only up-to-date 
Restaurant in Town 



THE STRIPES GAYE HIM AWAY 

When the donkey saw the zebra, 

He began to switch his tail; 
"Well, I never," was his comment, 

"There's a mule, that's been in jail." 

— Yellow Jacket 



Low Prices — High Qualities 



High : Julian is going with Ethel now. 

Brow: Why, she's not at all bad. 

High: That's why I can not understand it. 

— Rice Owl 



We believe that a large business with 
small profits yields the greatest in- 
come. Lunches put up to be taken 
out. 



He: Have you seen the latest in pajamas? 
Second Ditto: No. I didn't know she wore them. 

— Stone Mill 



Meal Tickets: 
$5.50 for $5.00 in Cash 

(Good any time) 




BENJAMIN FRANKLIN 
1706-1790 

Printer, journalist, diplomat, 
inventor, statesman, philoso- 
pher, wit. One oftheauthorsof 
the Declaration of Independ- 
ence and the Constitution, 
author of Poor Richard's Al- 
manack; and one of the most 
eminent natural philosophers 
of his time. 




Electrical machines 
bearing the mark of the 
General Electric Com- 
pany, in use throughout 
the world, are raising 
standards of living by 
doing the work of mil- 
lions of men. 



But nobody had 

thought to do it 

By bringing electricity down from the clouds 
over a kite string, it was a simple thing 
to prove that lightning was nothing more 
than a tremendous electrical flash. 

For centuries before Franklin flew his kite 
in 1751 philosophers had been speculating 
about the nature of lightning. With elec- 
trified globes and charged bottles, others had 
evolved the theory that the puny sparks of 
the laboratory and the stupendous phenom- 
enon of the heavens were related; but 
Franklin substituted fact for theory — by 
scientific experiment. 

Roaring electrical discharges, man-made 
lightning as deadly as that from the clouds, 
are now produced by scientists in the Re- 
search Laboratories of the General Electric 
Company. They are part of experiments 
which are making it possible to use the 
power of mountain torrents farther and far- 
ther from the great industrial centers. 




AL ELECTRIC 



FUSSER'S NUMBER 

will be out in March — we hope; — 
we have the best of intentions. It 
is to be the last issue of the present 
board. We have tried to give you 
a bigger SQUIB — in fact we have 
given you a bigger magazine — 
whether it is better is up to you to 
say. We believe it has been well 
received. 

Fussers start real business in 
March — hence we have chosen 
that time for appropriate comment 
on the art of fussing. Don't miss 
getting your copy — many valuable 
suggestions will be offered to those 
intending to enter this line of 
activity in the spring. 



.- '■ « 




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SHE KNOWS A GOOD THING 
WHEN SHE SEES IT 




Won't you have a glass too ? I know 
you must be as tired painting as I am 
posing, but this is so cool and refresh- 
ing it will help you to forget how tired, 
hot and thirsty you were. I always 
drink fl[QXjE> at lunch so believe 
one who knows. 



This advertisement was written by A. Needham 
of Massachusetts Agricultural College at the request 
of Frank Archer o/ the Moxie Company, who thus 
affords an exceptional opportunity for the students 
to gain practical experience in writing advertise- 
ments for a famous product 



S quibble's Directory of 
Leading Firms 




Apologies to "Chappie' 



Little words of wisdom 
Make a student wiser; 

Take a tip from Squibbie- 
Know each advertiser! 



These are the establishments who have helped to 
make the Squib possible. 



Amherst Gas Co. 
Andover Press 
Armstrong and Co. 
Beckman's Candy Shop 
Candy Kitchen 
City Taxi 
Cluett Peabody 
College Studio 
Essex Lunch 
General Electric 
Hampden National Bank 
Lucky Strike 
Mitchell Belkin 
Merritt Clark 
Moxie 

Mutual Plumbing and Heating- 
Paper City Engraving Co. 
Sing Lee 
Thompson and Son 



Page 
4 
3 

23 
3 

22 

5 

Back Cover 

4 

24 
Inside Back Cover 

22 

21 

1 

5 

Inside Front Cover 

2 

24 
2 

23 



Special Re-opening and Holiday 
Trial Offer 



ittttriiell Belfctn 



Two of our "Beautiful Adelphia Engraved 
Etchings" in 10x14 arona Artists folders. 



Official Photographer 

Smith Seniors 1922-1923 

Index 1924 

Shorthorn 1923 



All sittings by appointment. Make them now and 
avoid the Christmas rush. 



STUDIO: 

STATE AND CENTRAL STREETS 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

Telephone 1735 
OUR MOTTO: Courtesy and prompt attention to our patrons 



DEMANDED A TIMEPIECE 

A widower getting married for the second time 
said to his small boy, "Son, you'll have to sleep in 
that other room by yourself after this." 
"Naw, I don't wanna." 

"You mind papa like a good boy and I'll buy you 
a bicycle." 

"Naw don't wanna bicycle." 

"Then I'll buy you a Shetland pony." 

"Naw, don't wanna Shetland pony." 

"Well, son I'll buy you anything you do want." 

" Papa, I want a watch." 

Oklahoma Whirlwind 



TRY THIS ON YOUR - 

Scene: A small music store. At left oblique is a 
counter, behind which is fluttering a youth. He is a 
green hand, so he wears gloves. His nervousness 
approaches St. Vitus's Dance as a young thing 
appears, carrying a violin case under her arm. 
With a Pebeco smile she speaks. 

She: My bow needs rehairing. 

He: Your beau? 

She : My bow, yes. Where can I have it done? 

He: Well, now — a friend of mine got a really 
natural looking wig at the G. and H. Beauty Parlor. 
Why not try there? 

Quick! Curtain. —Colorado Dodo 



"You just can't keep a good man down," re- 
marked the cannibal. 

— Texas Ranger 



THE FRUITFUL REPORT 

An old Irish woman kept a small fruit stand and 
was displaying a few watermelons. A smart fellow 
took up one and observed: "These are frightfully 
small apples you have — we would not buy this 
size." 

The woman coolly surveyed her inquirer from 
head to foot for a second or two, then in a tone of 
pity she exclaimed: "Bejabbers, son, ye must be a 
sthranger and know virry little about fruit when 
ye can't tell apples from gooseberries." 

— Bison 



OF COURSE 



Abbie : That couple seems made for each other. 

Seedy: How do you mean? 

Abbie: Lemon with fish, you know. 

— Colorado Dodo 



SING LEE 

Hand Laundry 



Our laundry is first class, 
our policy is guaranteed. 
Repairing and all kinds of 
Washing done at reasonable 
prices. 



1 Main St., Amherst, Mass. 

Op p. Postoffice 



Winchester 

Sporting Goods 

Athletic Goods 



Hardware 



The Mutual 

Plumbing and Heating Co. 
Amherst 



HISTORICAL FACTS 

It was quite a relief for Eve to change her clothes. 

— Yellow Jacket 



Doctor: My dear lady, you have water on the 
knee. 

Y. L. : Oh ! Doctor, will it soil my new dress? 

— Texas Ranger 



Blue Blood: Why, one of my ancestors was the 
first man enrolled at Harvard. 

Not So Blue: That's nothing to boast of. 

Blue Blood : Well, what have any of your ances- 
tors done? 

Not So Blue: My great-grandfather was the first 
man enrolled at Penn ! 

Blue Blood: University of Penn.? 

Not So Blue: Why no, Md. State Penn., I 
believe. 

— Black and Blue Jay 



Daughter: Mother, is kissing dangerous? 
Mother: Yes, daughter. I got your father that 
way. 

— Texas Ranger 





"What makes you think shoe manufacturers wil 
not go to heaven?" 

"They sell their souls for leather." 

— Voo Doc 


[ 
• 


WHEN IN HAMP 

VISIT 

"The Sweetest Shop in Town" 




JUST A CONVERSATION 
I say theah, old thing, I read of a most amusing 
robbery in the Times this morning. Just a moment 
while I light a fag and I shall tell you about it. Now 
then. Some woman had a chappie up for robbing 
ler. Had her money in one of those novel purses 
attached to her garter, don't you know. Claimec 
she had no idea the fellow was a thief. What's that: 
3h, yes, I have her address. 

— Black and Blue Jay 




Home Made Candies 
Home Made Ice Creams 

Home Made Lunches 

"The Kinds Everybody Likes" 




MAY HE RIP. 

" Where'd you get the black eye, Mike?' ' 
"Sure, it's in mourning for the guy that gave it tc 
me. 

— Columns 




Beckman 9 s 

Candy Shop Soda Shop 

"Meet Your Pals Here" 




SMALL MATTER 

Senior {bidding farewell) : Professor, I am in- 
debted to you for all I have learned. 
Prof: Don't mention such a trifle, son. 

— Oklohoma Whirlwind 








CLOTHES LINE, PLEASE! 

Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were 
discussing what they would wear to a certain winter 
formal. In the midst of this important conversation, 
a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a 
number. One of the girls became indignant, and 
scornfully asked: 

"What line do you think you're on, anyway?" 
"Well," said the man, "judging from what I've 
heard, I should say I was on the clothes line." 

— Colorado Dodo 




Ohe ANDOVER PRESS 




PRINTERS PUBLISHERS 
STATIONERS 

SCHOOL and COLLEGE ANNUALS 
A SPECIALTY 


Father : Has that young man any go to him, Lou ? 

Daughter: Yes, Papa, he goes at 10.30 every 
night that he comes to see me. 

Father: Humph! I mean has he any spirit in him? 

Daughter: I don't think he has. He is strictly 
temperate. 

Father: I mean has he any force, any gall? 

Daughter: Gee! No! He's all honey when he 
comes to see me. ^ 

Father: I guess you don't catch me, Lou. 

Daughter: Never mind, Pa dear, I've caught 
him. 

— Mugwump 


Press Building .:. Andover 









He (proposing) : And if you refuse me, sweetheart, 
I'll go as a missionary to Africa ! 

She: Oh fine, just think, I'll have one good deed 
on record when I get to heaven. 

— Yellow Jacket 



Izzy: Quick! I vant you should send down a 
doctor! 

Nurse: All right, sir. Is it serious? 

Izzy: Serious! ! My boy, Ikey, just swallered a 
dollar — that's how serious it is ! 

Nurse: Well, that won't do him any harm. 

Izzy: Oi, yoi! ! But it ain't drawing no interest 
there, is it? 

— Chaparral 



Young Man (to court clerk) : I — ah — er — um — 
Clerk (to assistant) : Henry, bring out one of those 



marriage license blanks. 



— Brown Bull 



Ardent Suitor : Sir, I want your daughter for my 
wife. 

Irate Father: Young man, go home and tell 
vour wife she can't have mv daughter. 

— Yellow Jacket 



THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 
TO BUY YOUR 

STUDY 
LAMPS 




Prices range from $2.00 and up. 

Also Headquarters for 
Edison Mazda Lamps 

AMHERST GAS CO. 



W$i College Mubio 

Photographs that Show Your 
Character 



Large Groups and Class Work 



241 Main Street 

Northampton 



"While I was in France during the war, I once 
saw an artillery mule drop dead from fright, when a 
shell struck near him." 

'The donkey certainly made an ass of himself, 
didn't he?" 

— Yellow Jacket 



You can never tell about women, and even if you 
can, you shouldn't. 

— Chaparral 



Frosh: It worries me just what I am going to 
have on my grave for a marker. 

Soph : Oh — just let your head stick out. 

— Belle Hop 



Under: I'm rather afraid of these poor working- 
girls. 

Taker: Howzo? 

Under: They say some of them simply love to 
make their own living. 

— Voo Doo 



"Hump, I'd like to see a man kiss me!" 
"All right. Keep your eyes open." 



"Are they engaged? I heard him begging for 
'just one,' behind the palms over there." 

"Naw! They're married. He was askin' for a 
dollar." 

— Brown Bull 



"Have you heard anything about this 'Back to 
Nature' Movement?" 

"I don't dance — that way." 



Mary had a little lamp. 

She filled it with benzine 

She went to light her little lamp, 

She hasn't since benzine. 



"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in 
the parlor?" demanded Helen's mother. 

"Oh! we were discussing our kith and kin," replied 
Helen. 

"Yeth you wath," interrupted Helen's little 
sister. "Mr. Thmith asked you for a kith, and you 
said you kin." 

—Mugwump 



CALL HAMP 96 



FOR 



TAXI SERVICE 



Remember : 

We carry your athletic teams. 

"Nujfsed" 



City Taxicab Service 

Draper Hotel Building 
Northampton 

PHONE 96 




"WE'LL TELL THE WORLD" 

That for $40. this is 
the best made suit, 
ever made to suit 
very particular per- 
sons — 

And the cloth, color 
and cut is as good as 
the making. 



MERRITT CLARK & CO. 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



TRAGEDY 

Ain't it tough, 

When you're out with 

The "only" girl, 

And you've told her 

How much you 

Love her 

For her beautiful face 

And pretty ways; 

And you've told her 

You'll give up 

All other girls, and 

You'll reform and be good 

For her sake; 

And then, 

"When you've sealed it 

With a marvelous 

Blissful, holy 

Kiss ; 

And you take off 

Your frat pin. 

And you're putting it on 

Her dress; 

And then you stick yourself 

On some other guy's 

Frat pin. 

Ain't it tough? -Mercury 



jforetoorb 



W^t jfus&er 

3 lobeb fjer berp Itgfjtlp 

&nb 3 bibn't lobe f)er long; 
&nb all tfjat 3 remember 

3s a fragment of gong 
OTe usseb to f)tim together, 

Banting fjalf tfje ntgftt: 
Memories; are fjappp 

OTfjen lobe tg siftort anb ligljt. 

3 lobeb t^r berp ltgf)tlp 

put stye btbn't unberstanb. 
g>f)e tfjrilleb at mp feistee* 

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&nb go 3 ftab to leabe fjer— 

J8o tooman eber knotog 
GHjat tofjen £f)e starts! to lobe me 

fflv Ugftt lobe goes! 



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March, 1924 




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MANAGING EDITOR 

R. NOYES, '24 

ART EDITOR 

H. E. ERASER, '26 

ART DEPARTMENT 

A. MERLINL '27 

LITERARY DEPARTMENT 

M. T. BOYD, '26 

M. M. MacMASTERS, '26 

E. J. WILLIAMS, '27 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 

H. E. WEATHERWAX, '24 

ADVERTISING MANAGER 

B. NEEDHAM, 26 

LITERARY EDITOR 

F. BRUNNER, '24 

EXCHANGE EDITOR 

W. F. PRATT, '24 

CONTRIBUTORS TO THIS ISSUE 

W. C. FROST, '24 C. V. PERRY, '24 



BUSINESS MANAGER 

L. HALE, '25 

ASSISTANT BUSINESS MANAGER 

V. PIERCE, '25 

CIRCULATION MANAGER 

G. W. HANSCOMB, '25 

BUSINESS DEPARTMENT 

H. LINDSCOG, '26 
H. RICHARDSON, '26 
J. W. PARSONS, '27 
R. A. DUPERRAULT, '27 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
in the months of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications should be ad- 
dressed to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do 
not receive copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $1.50; single 
copies 25 cents. Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



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M 



ISS Jones, I want you to know my friend, 
Jim Knex." 
"Oh, how nice," she gushed. 
And Jim, the fool, blushed! 



AS the artist said when he spoiled the third 
picture of the magazine girl, "I can't feature 



her!' 



THE SQUIB 



"'TIS FOLLY TO BE—" 

I LOVED her because 
1. Her hair was long and golden. 

2. Her cheeks were a delicious pink. 

3. Her lips were crimson flowers of delight. 

4. Her ankles were slender perfection. 

5. Her clothes were wonderful, and she more 

wonderful in them. 

6. Her line was one on which I wished to hang 

my heart forever. 
Then I moved into her mother's boarding house, and 

1. I saw her hang her hair over a chair back 

and drop peroxide on it. 

2. But her rouge was a screaming orange. 

3. They should have been. Those lipsticks are 

expensive. 

4. I think she laced them. The rest was — ! 

5. Xo one can stay dressed all the time, and — 

6. She read all the magazines, and her line was 

hash, like her mother's food. 
After that, I left the house. Love leaves with 
learning. 

S 

WAITER, have you any shelled corn? 
Waiter (surprised) : I think so, sir. 
Then take this egg out and feed it ! 



EXCITED Voice (over ielephone to physician): 
Doc, my — my — mother-in-law is at death's 
door. Please come and see if you can't pull her 
through. 




THE sea-horse and the saw-horse once met, I 
can't say how — 
But you see neither sea-horse nor saw-horse today. 
There is onlv a sea-saw now ! 



H 



EARD ix the Strawberry Bed: "Let's move 
over toward the middle of the bed." 
Yes, there'll be more bugs there." 



OH yes, I took Antonio's case. 
Am I a doctor? There you err. 
I took his case, — I paid for it, 
Antonio is my boot-legger. 



T7" : MY girl only weighs a hundred pounds. 
** *■ K. K. : Just a nice armful, what ? 

K. : Not exactly, — but believe me, she sure is a 
handful ! 

S 

"SARTORLALLY SPEAKING—" 

I GO necking every night," said the spotted 
foulard scarf. 
'Yes," said the handkerchief, "but nobody nose 
as much as I do." 

S 

T MEAN nothing to her, 
■*■ And she means nothing to me. 
But she gives the meanest of kisses, 
And so I mean her to see. 



WRATHFUL Co-ed (during quarrel) : You talk 
like an idiot! 
Stude: Well — I have to talk so's you can under- 
stand. 

S 



THE PROF'S VERSION 

NO matter how many bolts he gives there are 
never enough to correspond to the number of 
nuts in the class. 



MEMBER of Sqiub Board (to classmate): 
Any suggestions for the Fusser's Number of 
the Squib? 

Classmate: Suggestion? (Business of whisper- 
ing). 

Member: Well — er — I am afraid that is a little 
too suggestive. 




DOUBLE CROSSED 

SPARK: You say his brother is cross-eyed. 
Plug: Is he? Why he's so cross-eyed he only 
needs one lens in his specs. 



THE SQUIB 



MISS INNOCENCE, 1924 

1MET her at a dance. In her simple gown of 
white chiffon, with her smooth brown hair and 
her healthily flushed cheeks, she seemed like a lovely 
white rose in the midst of garish tulips and gaudy 
crysanthemums. She floated like a feather in my 
arms, a mere wisp of appealing girl-hood. 

After the dance I led her out on the balcony where 
the moonlight haloed her hair and fell softly over the 
innocent wells of deepest blue that were her eyes. 

She was my dream incarnate - - the girl for whom 
I had been waiting all my life. She turned her 
shadowed lovely eyes to me, and opened her lovely 
cupid's-bow lips. I thrilled to the bottom of my 
heart, for my dream girl was about to utter some 
lovely sentence, some haunting phrase that I could 
shrine forever in my memory. She spoke— 

"My gawd, but you Aggie men are like cold 
molasses," she said stridently. "What didja think 
I came out here for anyway? Cut out the moon 
eyes, and quit wasting time, you big dumb-bell." 

Miss Innocence? I'll say I did that time ! 




*** ^LefPV^HoLUOv^ * 



I STOLE a kiss the other night, 
My concience feels so black 
I think I'd better do what's 
And put the darn thing back. 



right 



GIRL, WITH VARIATIONS 

1USED to believe," she said to me, "in being 
all things to all men." 

"Used to?" I asked her. " Why the past tense?' ' 

"Well, it was like this. Jim thought I was a 
lovely Mid- Victorian angel, and I used to wear 
ruffled muslin and used no rouge and read sweet 
little stories and went to church with him. And 
Bob thought I was a home-girl, and I used to wear 
flat heels and gingham aprons, and feed him cookies, 
which were really made by the cook. And Dick said 
I was a mad jazz-angel, and I used to dance and 
drink and pet with him. And then — ' ' 

"And then," I asked interestedly as she paused. 

"Then one day I was sleepy, and I forget and told 
Jim a shady story, and wore a gingham apron out 
with Dick, and told Bob I just adored innocent 
little lambs, and wouldn't he go to Sunday School 
with me some day, and they — ' ' 

'They left you, of course. How sad," I cried. 

"No, dammit, they didn't leave. They all 
proposed to me at once, and said they had only been 
waiting for a glimpse of my real self. Variety may 
be the spice of life, but it's not the nicest life." 

She sighed deeply and went to answer the tele- 
phone, which had been ringing madly. 

"Oh, Paul, is that you?" I heard her say. "No, 
I've been out playing golf all day. You know how 
I am about sports — ' ' 



s 



AY what's become of the swine that had the 

evil spirit cast into them?" 
They made them into deviled ham." 



PROF (confidentially to a student) : Say, what 
kind of a fellow is Smith? 
Student: He is one of those fellows who always 
grab the stool when there is a piano to be moved. 



SING a song of laughter, 
Pocket full of smiles, 
What the world is after 
Beats all other wiles; 
Life's too short for grumpiness, 
Spend your little while 
Looking for the beautiful - 
Wearing of a smile. 



'HE only thing that some people use their head 
for is to keep their ears apart. 



" npHAT was uncalled for," said the Postmaster. 



THE SQUIB 



PROF : Can any one tell me what glycerine is used 
for? 
Student : Yes, Sir, they mix it with rose water and 
use it after shaving. 

Prof: Yes, maybe when you get old enough to 
shave you will use it. 

(General laugh from the class) 
Stude (to bald-headed Prof) : You probably will get 
a hair-cut as soon as I shave. 

(The class died) 



ZIG: Hey, whereVe all the olives gone? 
Zag: I got hungry last night and ate half the 
bottle. 

Zig: Next time you're hungry go ahead and eat 
the whole bottle, but save the olives for me! 




A MAN was hired to carry hardware out of a ship 
onto a wharf. As he crossed the plank with 
two anvils, one under each arm, the plank broke and 
he went down into the water. He came up and 
shouted for a rope, but no one heard him. He went 
down and came up the second and third time. The 
last time he appeared he shouted, "If someone 
doesn't throw me a rope pretty soon I'll drop one of 
these anvils!" 



A KISS IN THE DARK 



'I ^7" ANTED — some good fussing jokes." 



"Come over to the house — I'll show you 



several. 



HOWS the riding class going, Captain?" 
"Rotten! Pupils falling off every day." 



DANCING -MORE OR LESS 

DANCING'S not the only thing people do at 
dances. 

The free cut system is much in vogue, and words say 
less than glances. 

The watchman on his weary way hears many a 
strolling couple say 

Something like this : 

He: How cold your shoulder feels. 

She (coyly) : Maybe I'm giving you the cold shoulder. 

He (tenderly): You wouldn't treat me like that, 
would you? 

She : No, not really. 

He : Then why — 

She: Well, you have to give a cold shoulder to any- 
thing as fresh as this air. 

He: You win! 

So he collects the prize, of course, and hunts for 
other chances, 

For dancing's not the only thing people do at dances. 

Is it? 



THE poets all pronounced 
Wind to rhyme with find. 
I wondered why, 
Till I happened to notice 

What the wind did to women's skirts — 
Now I know. 



MARY had a little lamb, 
With around its neck a bell; 
Mary died and went to Heaven, 

The lamb it went tinkle-tinkle-tinkle! 



—THE SQUIB— 

Editorials 



^^■^HE exact shades of difference between fussing and petting and necking are open for debate. Fuss- 
/ ■ | ing seems to be more intense than petting, but much milder than necking. The fusser is a 
^^^/ petter plus line and ambition; lie works especially well under the [win stimuli of light and music, 

although, paradoxically, he fusses best in the dark. The fusser 's equipment is simple and mo 
or less standardized; a pack of cigarettes, a package of Life Savers, several appropriate bits of poetry, two or 
three stock expressions, such as "Why not?" or "You know I never talk. Why don't you trust me, dear?" 
and three or four varieties of kisses: platonic, affectionate, moderate, intense, and so on. Disillusionment is 
prerequisite for successful fussing, for only the moth with fire-hardened wings is proof against the flame. A 
certain cynical sophistication is also valuable; many a good man has been strung on a carefully prepared line, 
and his scalp hung over the lady's desk in company with dance programs and other souvenirs of an acquisitive 
life, and only the armoured sophisticate can lift a mocking eyebrow and remark, "Well done, my dear, that 
is always a good line." Finally, lines and fussers are inseparable. If you doubt it, you have only to go and 
watch the men lined up waiting for the Hamp and Holyoke cars almost any evening ! 



^V^ONG ago, before we came to college, we had to look in the dictionary to find out what "fussing" 
pi * mean't. We found out — but not entirely from the dictionary. "To be overbusy about trifles " 
Jj^J, was what we gleaned from that learned seat of all knowledge. Judging from the experience 
since obtained, Webster has it right. A trifle in a pink ruffled dress; a trifle in an evening gown; 
a trifle ready for skating; anything, anywhere, anytime; in short, anyone, so long as she be feminine. What 
more is she than a trifle? Sh ! Don't let her hear that, or Squibby is a dead crow for ever more, but to quote 
our favorite prof., "This is self evident." — Now you remember Beth of high school days, and how you used 
to lean against the pillars in the corridor at noon and talk, until the math teacher claimed her attention. 
Was she a trifle? — Then Clara, the girl who lived across the way when you were in prep school. How she 
used to loiter invitingly before the gate when you brought her home from the movies. A trifle? — Then 
there was Mary, the girl from Smith you rushed your Freshman year. Secluded corners, dark nights, blond 
men, all remind you of her. Didn't she throw you over for a blond? Another trifle? — How about Anne, the 
fluffy co-ed who kept you away from the river and the mountain for the next two years? Do you remember 
that first moonlight night in June; or the last embrace by the Abbey door, with the matron due to appear 
around the corner? But that was a trifle, too. — Finally, there's Constance, from the old home town. You 
never thought you'd love her, when you used to play marbles with her twin brother. You never thought 
you'd watch for her letters, rush home to her at vacation. But you do; and sternly, valiantly, you deny that 
SHE, at least, is a trifle. — Far be it from Squibby to wax cynical or sneer at the illusions of youth, for he 
is a wise old bird, and he knows that Webster is wrong, all wrong. Hush, calm the applause! Not about 
trifles, but about the overbusy part. "It could not was." The only adjective in fussing is "more". So 
Squibby offers more! 



w 



'E say adieu. 

We hand over the reins. 

We wish the new editors God-speed. 

We are of '24. 

We say adieu. 



THE SQUIB 



"MAN WANTS BUT LITTLE—"? 

BACK again to Alma Mater 
We will wend our gladsome way. 
(Hi, Samanthy! Bring the water. 
Gosh, it's work a-pitchin' hay.) 

How well gladly raise the echoes 

On the campus once again. 
(Darned that knock-kneed muley Jersey; 

Struck the stool and barked my shin. ) 

Yes, right joyfully we'll clamor 
By the old North College door. 

(Yes now, Maw, you know I'm comin', 
And I'll dip those hens fer shore.) 

How I'd like to drive old Johnny 
Thru the good old strawLTry bed. 

(Hush up, Roomy; stop your chatter. 
Let me grind this int' my head.) 

Just to see the grain a-tossin' 

In the old south barley field ! 
(Hang it all, my brain's a-balkin". 

What's the 1907 yield?) 

'Twould be bliss to hear the dinner bell 

A-clanging from the hill. 
(How in all the name of angels 

Do you draught a window sill?) 

So today, and yet tomorrow, 

Will the age-old tale go on; 
Ne'er content with joy or sorrow 

Till our fill of both is done. 



STUDENT: Don't you think that a course in 
fussing would be just the thing for the spring 
term? 

Married Classmate: Absolutely not: the results 
are too fatal. 

S 



V/'OU know what that girl's name should be!" 



Pet-it?' 



S 




A SONG for the Merry Manicurist: No 
-**• matter how shoit I can file my nails, they will 
still belong to me. 



GENERAL CHEMISTRY 

S 

EYAS EYASION 

A playful play, parted three times'. 

PART I. 
Eva: I'm so afraid Jack is going to propose to 
me tonight, and I'm not sure I love him. What 
shall I do? 

Julia: That's easy. Don't be definite either 
way — be hopefully evasive. Get it? 

Eva : Give him an evasive answer? 

Julia: That's it. 
PART II. 

Jack : Eva, I love you. Will you marry me? 

Eva : Where was Moses when the light went out? 
PART III. 

Departure. 

S 

SNOW SERENADE 

WE stroll together thru the snow; 
The snow is cold, my kisses hot. 
Too hot. You give me, dear, the deuce, 

And tho I try, alas, I know 
To fuss you chances I have not 
In all this snow, and so s'no use. 



THE SQUIB 



TO MY MODERN LUCASTA 

WE'VE had a lot of fun together, slung lots of 
line, and meant none of it ; 
Danced hours together - - You can do it ! 
Your favorite phrase, "Oh, don't you love it?" I 
seem to hear. 
Thank God that's over: variety is what I need. 
You're just the same each time I see you. 

My constancy's a broken reed. I don't want love 
domesticated. 
My motto women hate, and men adore - 

"I could not love thee, dear, so much, loved I not 
others more." 



IMPOLITE THOUGHTS 

YOUR nose is red, 
Your feet are huge. 
And why do you 
Use orange rouge? 

If you love me— 



Well, if you do 

No knife will find 

Where I've flew! 



me 



AGRI Prof: What is pasteurized milk? 
Bright Freshie: It is mild that comes from 
a cow that has been out to pasture. 



QUI MAL Y PENSE? 

THERE was deep silence in that pink-shaded 
room, broken only by an occasional rustle or a 
half-whispered word. The filmy gauzes of a lacey 
negligee contrasted sharply with the sober black and 
white of masculine serge and linen. Her hair 
streamed loose, and she was very lovely. Suddenly 
the silence was broken — 

"No, no, not that way," she cried sharply. 

He moved quickly. 

"That is better?" he asked anxiously. 

"No, — oh, you don't know how you hurt me — 
oh, you hurt me so when you do that. Please, 
please — ' ' 

She broke off, trembling. Again he bent over her. 

"Like this, then?" he questioned. 

'Yes," she answered, "That's wonderful. Do it 
again." 

"Right there?" he said. 

"No, not there, -- no, no — ah, there." 

She sighed happily. For once Alphonse the Hair- 
dresser was putting in a perfect marcel. 




s 



TAG : That chap over there sure is a smooth 

article. He's got lots of polish. 
Stagger: 'Snothin', my shoemaker's got that. 



1HAVE a girl 
Her face is a fright. 
But that doesn't matter 
When I fuss her at night. 



WHAT I discovered after giving her ten pounds 
of candy, several hundred sundaes, and 
three bottles of imported perfume: Collection is the 
better part of callers. 



WHO is that homely looking girl?' ' 
xIngrily: "That's my sister." 
"She sure can dance." 



I 



'M working my way through college by writing. 

"What kind of writing?" 
Writing home." 



THE SQUIB 

Jfusisitng 79 

THE Schedule Committee offers the following course for the spring term — Fussing 79. It is thought 
that this course is especially suited to his year, it being Leap Year and there being so many engage- 
ments announced recently. There are no prerequisites to this course, except that hands and faces must 
always be washed previous to class hours. The course is open only to members of the senior class. There 
will be two sections — men students and co-eds : the field to be covered as follows : — 

Section I. Men 

A. Petting. 

1. Where petting is appropriate. 

2. How to pick out the girl who pets. 

3. Diction adapted to the occasion. 

4. Laporatory practice — co-eds being present. 

B. Kissing. 

1. Correct position of the nose. 

2. What to do with the hands. 

3. Cautions 

a. The difference between pouting and puckering for a kiss, etc. 

4. Why some girls stand upon tip-toe during the operation. 

C. Other general considerations, including methods of avoiding leap year pitfalls. 

Section II. Co-eds 

A. Petting. 

1. When to encourage petting. 

2. How to make any man pet. 

3. The most advantageous limit in a petting party. 

4. Proper attire for petting. 

5. Laporatory exercises — men being present. 

B. Kissing. 

1. How to best use the eyes in the operation. 

2. Moist vs. dry lips. 

3. Correct angle of the head. 

4. Effect of sighs before and after kissing. 

C. Other general considerations, including short vs. long skirts in attracting the men, hoiv to make the most of leap 

year, etc. 

It is recommended that students desiring knowledge of situations not covered by the above outline will 
submit these problems to the instructors for elucidation. 

All laporatory exercises will be conducted in the Fussing Laporatory which is to be installed in the 
Abbey and is to be thoroughly equipped with sofas, divans, etc. In the laporatory exercises both sections 
will meet at the same time, otherwise they would not be effective. 

Instructors have not yet been announced, but it is very probable that students and co-eds in the 
"engaged" classification of the senior class will serve in this capacity. (It is hoped that this fact will not 
cause too many to refrain from taking this course, however.) 

Credits — 5 kisses per laporatory hour. 

Certificates will be presented to the graduates of the course which, it is felt, will be invaluable to the 
student in the future struggle for a mate. 

All seniors are urged to take this course as it is the most fundamental course in college for future welfare 
no matter what the vocation. 




EVOLUTION * 



STILL* PU35ING' 



THE SQUIB 



"JUST BEFORE THE BATTLE, MOTHER—" 

(Being a cross-section of the Abbey on the morning 
of an impending Zoo quiz.) 

THE curtain rises slowly, and two sharp blasts of 
the Abbey whistle are heard, indicating it is 
6.4o a.m. At once a wild chant bursts forth from 
the up-till-now quiet occupant of a bath-tub. 

The Voice (fortissimo) : The Coe-len-ter-ates are 
dis-tin-guish-ed by hav-ing but (rising inflection) 
two derm-al lay-ers, and — 

A wet wash-rag hurtles over the partition and 
evidently lands somewhere in the vicinity of the 
chanter, for — 

The Voice: My dear girl, if you do not remove 
your property from the immediate neighborhood of 
my neural arches along which extends a spinal cord, 
I shall feel it necessary to chastise you severely with 
the pentadactylic adaption of my ancestor's pectoral 
fin. 

Another Voice: Gosh, what a lot of loud excess 
COo you do exhale! 

Silence and some splashing. 

Voice No. 2: Snap out of that tub, will you? 
I've got to get over and exercise my digestive tract 
on a little hash. 

Voice No. 1 : Calm yourself, my dear Vertebrate. 
It is most essential that I wash my epidermis thor- 
oughly, thus removing — 

A Two-Year Girl: Are you people all crazy? 

Voice No. 1: No, not all. I'm not, you're not, 
but that other evolutionary product out there is. 
The cerebral ganglia of her worm ancestors didn't 
develop right, or else — 

Voice No. 2 : Huh ! Anyway, its better than 
having all your cerebral tissues solidify into solid 
ivory, like your embryonic ones did! 

The Two-Year Girl: Murder! Snap out of it, 
will you? 

Voice No. 1 : What does the murmur issuing from 
your buccal cavity wish to convey to my mind? 

Chorus of Voices: Get-out-of-that-tub. 

Voice No. 1: Oh, certainly. 

Voice No. 3: Hey, Joan, got a date for tonight? 

Voice Xo. 1: Date? Date? My dear, if you 
mean am I going to exercise a voluntary muscle 
action of my evolutionary pelvic fins, so that I will 
accompany a collection of modified cells of the 
opposite sex, yes. 

Chorus of Voices (emphatically) : Less oratory. 
More speed. 

Voice Xo. 1 : Calm yourself again, me dear 
Chordates. 

She emerges and escapes down the corridor fol- 
lowed by a shower of towels, soap, etc. The curtain 
falls to a rising chant of 



'You may damage my soma, but my sould is 
beyond your most strenuous epidermal activities." 

Chorus (wearily): Please, kind Lord, let us pass 
the exam and have peace again. 

The End 



AX ELECTRICAL ROMANCE 

THEY were out sparking one evening. 
They walked across a magnetic field, and 
He felt lines of force in his arms. 
As he attracted her by induction, he 
Felt an electromotive force running 
Up and down his spine, and 
When he kissed her he got a 
Shock. 



"S 



AY, kid, did you ever get pinched for speed- 



ing.-' 



Xo, but I have been slapped." 



FOXD Parent : What's worrying you, son? 
Offspring: I was just wondering how many 
legs you gotta pull off a centipede to make him 
limp. 

S 

SEQUEL TO THE ELECTRIC 1 AL ROMANCE 

THEY were united by the magnetic powers 
Of attraction, but the force of gravity brought 
him back 
To earth about ten years (reduce to C. G. S. units) 
Later, and he went off on a tangent, but their 

troubles soon 
Divided into vectors, so a back — 
Electromotive force separated them 
And each was attracted to a new field. 



w 



WE were talking with a 
Freshman the other day about 
Fussing, and he said that every 
Time he goes out he goes 
Wilder. Then we knew he 
Was going to major in 
Landscape. 

S 

HEX does Squib go to press?" 
Who's he?" 



THE SQUIB 



HAD a wonderful partner at the dance last 
night; she could follow anything." 
"She'd have to, to dance with you." 



THE Squire: Sire, a knight waits below. 
The King: How often do I have to tell you 
not to leave that dungeon trap-door open? 



• 



'HE world is so full of ponies and horses, 

That all of us ought to pass all our courses. 



W H 



AT do they make noodle soup out of. 



papa r 
Bone-heads, my son." 



A 



Motto for Fussers: Who necks next, necks 
nicest. 

S 



FOILED ROMANCE 

OR 

THE TRAGEDY OF SHIPWRECKED SAM 

THE setting, of course, is a tropical isle 
(The movies have made them the thing 
The hero lay sleeping in clothes torn to bits; 
They always do that in the movies, it's 

The result which all shipwrecks must bring). 
He started awake with a terrible screech, 
All alone on a sandy and tropical beach 
With a pelican flying just out of his reach. 
And six crabs doing a Highland fling. 

He went down the beach in a vain search for food, 
And a-scratching as hard as he could - 
(It's not so in the movies, but tropical fleas 
On tropical beaches are thicker than peas 

And the sand-flies are equally good.) 
There close by the margin he saw in the sand 
The print of a delicate feminine hand. 
"Aha," said our hero, "the prospect is grand. 

I will do with this gal as I would." 

He soon found the place, and beheld a grass skirt, 

And he made a wild dash for his prize. 
Took one look, started running, with nowhere to go— 
For a small island doesn't give one a fair show 

When a nightmare like that hits his eyes. 
Not one woman, but two, did our hero pursue. 
All alone on that island what could the man do? 
For his wife and his ma-in-law there met his view- 
So he jumps to the sharks and he dies. 
Slow Salt Curtain 



TTE showed her the new water- works. 



ing 



And said, "Darling, I did all this engineer- 
But she only replied, "You're a dam liar." 

S 

LOONEY LOGIC 



CAN prove anything. 



Prove that. 
Well, for instance, I love my girl. 
Yes. 

Love is blind. 
Yes, yes. 

So whenever I have a date with the girl I love- 
Yes, yes, go on. 
I have a blind date. 
What does that prove? 
That everyone who has a blind date is in love. 



I 



F Dempsey published his memoirs, would you 
call it a scrap-book? 



I'VE got a girl 
Thin as can be: 
But that don't stop her 
Loving me. 




T 



LAW OF SCIENCE 

O every action there is an equal and opposite 
reaction. 



THE SQUIB 



YOUNG man, why do I find you kissing my 
, daughter?" 
"I guess, sir, it's because you wear rubber heels." 



SOPH : Why did you tell her that I was a fool? 
Frosh: Gee, I'm sorry — was it a secret? 



' T^ELT like the Piped Piper of Hamlin at the 



dance the other night." 
"How come?" 
"So many rats after me! 



THERE was a little girl 
She had a little curl 
Right in the middle of her forrid; 
When she was good, she was very, very cool 
But when she was bad she was torrid. 





s 



HE was dressed in sweet taste — " 
"You said a mouthful — bring her in." 



THAT girl is simple." 
"Yes, and she weighs a ton." 
"Oh, then she's a simpleton." 

S 

WHY? 

OH, why is the hole in a doughnut? 
What for is the crown in a hat? 
Why do ships carry anchors? 

What makes the wings of a bat? 
Why must my brain go on reeling? 

Why must I gurgle in pain? 
Why must I drag forth my feeling? 
Squibby wants "copy" again. 



1 WONDER if Professor McNutty mean't any- 
thing by it." 
"By what?' ' 

"He advertised a lecture on 'Fools' and when I 
bought a ticket it was marked 'Admit One'. " 



PROBLEM IN FUSSING ENGINEERING 

SITUATION (young man seated with young lady on 
sofa) : Let the initial pressure of young man's 
arms about the girl be taken as 1 when the clearance 
is 1 foot. 

Required: To find clearance when arm pressure 
has increased to 10. 

Prof: "Try and find it!" 



CAN you keep a secret?' ' 
"I'll tell the world." 



YOUNG man, I saw you put your arm around 
my daughter last night." 
"I suppose you noticed how much she struggled, 
too." 



PROF: As a result of this last exam, the majority 
of the class failed! 
Stude: Hooray! 

Prof: What! are you glad that you failed? 
Stude: No, Sir, I'm just glad that I am not the 
only one. 



THE SQUIB 




S 



HE: I'd just go wild on a yacht. 

He: How would you act on a motor boat? 



AGGIE: What's the difference between fussing a 
Smith girl and a Holyoke girl? 
Mac: Five cents. 



MATHEMATICS for Fussers: Too much 
distance is a mean distance, but at least it 
keeps one from going to extremes. 



A/TY father was killed in a feud. 



T never would ride in one of those cheap 



cars. 



THIS paper says women in Hamburg are wear- 
ing paper dresses." 
"Zat so? I'll have to tell my brother about that." 
"Why? Is your brother abroad?" 
"No, he's a paper hanger." 



WITH THE AWTHLETS 

Aggie Neckers win Close Contest 
(A la Collegian) 

LAST Friday night a very close and exciting neck- 
ing contest took place. Our man had a slight 
edge on — his opponent throughout the match and 
it was all our battle. 

As the whistle blew our opponent breezed from 
her armchair and tried to obtain a strangle hold, but 
old Aggie was too strong for her. With a mighty 
heave he loosed her grip and diving at her he ob- 
tained a bicuspid hold on the back of her neck. In 
this position they writhed and twisted for several 
minutes while the orchestra played the soft strains 
of, "Yes We Have No Bananas." 

For some time it looked as if the contest would end 
in a draw but finally the greater fighting morale of 
the "little giant" came to the rescue and with a 
quick twist he dropped to a toe hold and thence 
easily managed to throw his opponent. 

Throughout the whole match the "agate" showed 
superior sticking quality and to the end he kept his 
head and never for a minute was there any doubt as 
to the outcome. Our opponent was especially good 
at counter-attack. 



zr/aafstamriivrv 



THE SQUIB 







I got a man. 
He's six feet two; 
He don't love many 
But, Lordv! when he do:- 



Gin: Does your girl smoke? 
Ger: No. She's cool. 



S 



-Medley 



-Green Gander 



Maria; John, John, get up, the gas is leaking. 
John: Aw, put a pan under it and come to bed! — 

— Iowa Green Gander 

S 

Would-be Actor: Did I understand you to say 
that I was a ham? 

Sweet Chorine: No, no, my dear! Hams can be 
cured. 

— Medley 

S 

HOT STUFF 

Chapper: I wish I were a fireman. 
Flapper: Fire away! 

Chapper: Then I could put out all your other 
flames. 

-Pitt Panther 
S 

BRIGHT IDEA 

Father: How is it, young man, that I find you 
kissing my daughter? How is it I ask you? 
Young Man: Oh, it's great, it's great. 

-Belle Hop 

S 

Two sons of Erin were talking together. "And so 
yer name is O'Hara? Are you related to Pat?" 

'Very distantly," said the other. "I was me 
mother's first child and Pat was the thirteenth." 

— Bison 



The two sat in a secluded nook in the moonlight: 
"Love is blind," he quoted rapturously. 
"Well, can't you tell where I am by feeling?" 
she retorted peevishly. 

— Texas Banger 
S 
Soph: Have you proposed to Edith yet? 
Junior: No, I'm waiting to see what she looks like 
the morning after the Junior Prom. 

S 
He (sadly) : I'm sorry I can't take you riding to- 
night, but something's the matter with my clutch. 

She: If that's the case, there wouldn't be any 
pleasure in it, anyway. 

— Black and Blue Jay 
S 
Chem. Prof. : And tomorrow I shall take cyanide. 
Class (unanimously): Ray, Whoops, Yeay, Rah! 

— Black and Blue Jay 
S 
Cat: Good heavens! This is Friday, and we 
haven't a fish in the house! 

Nip: x\w, go out in the kitchen and get a perch 
out of the bird-cage. 

— Ghaporral 
S 

I call my girl "English Ovals" because she is 
within the price of all. 

— Mercury 
S 
"Sue got awful sea-sick last night." 
"Why?" 

"She had a date with a football star and he had 
water on his knee." 

— Oklahoma H h irlwind 
S 
"Do these chorus girls belong to the Actors' 
Equity Association?" 

"Sure; can't you see their union suits?" 

— Yale Becord 



Counsel: Now, where did he kiss you? 
Plaintiff: On the lips, sir. 

Counsel: No! No! You don't understand. I 
mean where were you? 

Plaintiff (blushing): In his arms, sir. 

—Oklahoma Whirlwind 



Apollo: What attitude do you take about kissing? 
Daphne: Oh, body at thirty degrees, head back, 
lips apart, and eyes veiled. 

— Voo Doo 



A woman's cheeks are like a team of horses - 
There's one on each side of a waggin' tongue. 

—Yellow Jacket 



"When I was in London a policeman touched his 
hat to me and said 'Good evening, my Lord'." 

'That's nothing — when I was in New York 
a policeman touched me with his club and said 
'My God, get off the grass'." 

—Brown Bull 



HER OWN FAULT 

Girl (telling date good-n ight) : When you were 
standing here has it ever dawned on you - 

Date: Gosh, no, you never let me stay that late. 

— Oldahom a Wh irl w in d 



The bird that said, "Two can live more cheaply 
than one," was evidently a college man with a room- 
mate. 

— Texas Ranger 



The Modern Girl's Belief: Never leave off 
tomorrow what you can leave off today. 

— Medley 



AT THE MUSIC SHOP 
"I'd like to see 'Bee's Knees'." 
"She's out to lunch. Can you call later?" 

—Chaparral 



Co-ed: You know, I didn't accept Claude the first 
time he proposed. 

Frien t d: I guess you didn't. You weren't there. 

—Oklahoma HI) irl wind 



All Successful Men Use the 

Toasted Process in Their 

Business! 



THEY CALL it Efficiency. 

But it amounts to the same thing. 

Because, stripped of its purely 
technical significance, the Toasted 
Process is efficiency by another 
name. It represents the last ounce 
of effort which, in all the produc- 
tion of men, distinguishes the 
isolated examples of quality. 
Toasting the tobaccos in LUCKY 
STRIKE CIGARETTES adds 45 
minutes to the cost of production, 
but it seals in the flavor! 

And we would rather save the 
flavor than the time. 

This Jry\Ajt^Yveaui^ </^nvCe<^^. 



CHANGE TO THE BRAND 
THAT NEVER CHANGES 



LUCKY 
STRIKE 



ITS TOASTED* 



A 



Friend: Where did you get that red lantern? 
Drunk (holding red lantern): Shome darn foolsh 
left itsh shide a bigsh hole. 

— Green Gander 


The Hampden National Bank 

WESTFIELD 
MASSACHUSETTS 


NOTHING AT ALL 

She: How do you like my new dress? 

He: Why, nothing would look better on you — 

She: Sir! ! How dare you? 

— Belle Hop 


COMMERCIAL ACCOUNTS 

SAVINGS DEPARTMENT 

SAFE DEPOSIT BOXES 

50- WEEK CLUBS 


Thirsty Tom: Y'know, ish hardes' thing in th' 
world. 

Friend : Huh, wassat? 

Thirsty Tom: Wy, to — hick — let a telephone 
post walk pash yu without shaking handsh. 

— Texas Ranger 


Pie: How'd the costume ball turn out? 

Eyed: Oh, everything went fine until some of the 
girls appeared in paper dresses and the boys went 
on a tear. 

— Voo Doo 


We can help you in all branches of Banking 
Your business is respectfully solicited 


All girls are as pure as snow — until they drift. 

— Yellow Jacket 


AGGIE MEN 

FOR 

That Sunday Night Supper 

OR FOR 

A Bite in-between-times 

VISIT 
T 1 !!!?. -, 


Hee: Let's sit this one out. 

Shee (indignantly): Why? doesn't ray dancing 
satisfy you? 

— Medley 


Eight Ball: Boy, when does you aggravate fum 
dis yeah edumucational intuition? 

Midnight: Ah fluctuates soon. Ah done paid 
mah masticulation fees dis mohnin'! 

— Parakeet 


What every young girl wants to know — more. 

— Black and Blue Jay 


THE BASHFUL MILLIONAIRE 

They were alone in the motor car, far away from 
any habitation. He was young and she was beauti- 
ful. The gentle breeze was laden with the sensuous 
aroma of pine. There was no one in sight. 

He stopped the car and looked at her with a 
twinkle in his eye. She had seen the twinkle in 
other men's eyes and she felt that she had at last 
won the bashful millionaire. 

"I wonder — ," he began and hesitated. 

"Yes?" she suggested encouragingly. 

"I wonder," he said, "if it would be asking too 
much of you to hold my straw hat while I drive? 
I'd like to get this wonderful breeze." 

— Belle Hop 


1 lllii 

College Candy Kitchen 

The Best in Lunches, Candy, Sodas, Ice Cream and 
Smokers' Supplies 



SWEET COOKIE 

I don't love my girl for her dimples, 
I don't love my girl for her smiles, 
It can't be her face or her figure; 

I guess it must be her LOOSE- WILES. 

— Texas Ranger 



Sam: He surely is a wonder. He can take a brush 
and make a few strokes and the result will make a 
man's heart stand still. 

Bo: Why that's nothin', a woman can take a 
lipstick and an eyebrow pencil and do the same. 

— Medley 



Drunk: Who are you? 
Policeman {indignantly): Me! 
Drunk: I thought so. 



-Texas Ranger 



Lady: Can you let me have two first-class rooms? 
Hotel Clerk: Yes, Suite One. 
Lady: Sir! 

— Yellow Jacket 



"Here's a fine opening for some one!" exclaimed 
the grave-digger as he finished his job. 

— Black and Bine J ay 




New Suits 

for a 
New Season 



TRIG of outline, clean of cut, 
a swing to the style and chock 
full of quality. New shades are 
shown in many models. Unre- 
stricted in seasonable selection but 
restricted to reasonable price. 



R. F. ARMSTRONG & SON 

Outfitters to Men 3 to 100 years of age 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



DONT FAIL . . . 



to look over the new 
arrivals in Spring 
Suits and Topcoats. 
We are offering some 
exceptional values in 
the new English 
models as low as $35. 



F. M. THOMPSON & SON 

Hart, Schaeffner & Marx 
Clothes 



"Why are you leaving, Bridget, something pri- 
vate?" 

"No, mum, a sergeant." 

—Medley 



SHADOWS 

(Headline in Denver Netvs) : Bride's Originality 
Shows Thru Her Wedding Costume. 

— Colorado Dodo 



Black: Niggah, how much you gittin' fo' workin' 
heah ? 

Tan: Ten dollahs per. 

Black: What! Ten dollahs per day? 

Tan: Naw; perhaps. 

— Chaparral 



He had proposed to her, as is still the custom with 
some people, and her answer had been "No, NO!" 
Can you imagine then, why he crushed her exultantly 
to his manly breast and then rushed off to buy the 
license? Well, it's very simple: They were both 
English teachers and so knew very well that two 



negatives make an affirmative. 



-Velio w Jacket 



The Essex Lunch 



Open 6:00 A. M. 

The only up-to-date 
Restaurant in Town 



Low Prices --High Qualities 



We believe that a large business with 
small profits yields the greatest in- 
come. Lunches put up to be taken 
out. 



Meal Tickets: 
$5.50 for $5.00 in Cash 

(Good any time) 



Doctor (examining a negro, very much under the 
influence of liquor) : Why, this man's been drugged. 

Mose: Yas, suh, I knows it. I drugged him all the 
way from de saloon. 

— Black and Blue Jay 



THANK YOU 

He: How long have you been married? 
She: Three years, thank you. 
He: Have you got any children? 
She: A boy and a girl, thank you. 
He: Don't thank me — Oh ... ! ? 

— Voo Doo 



Bill: He acts like a fish out of water! 
Yard : Yes, dear, take him down to the poolroom, 
and perhaps he will settle down. 

— Chaparral 



Willie was being measured for his first made-to- 
order suit of clothes. 

"Do you want the shoulders padded my little 
man?" inquired the tailor. 

"Naw," said Willie insignificantly, "pad me 
pants." 

— Belle Hop 



Rose: Let me show you some pretty stockings. 
Young Male Customer: Now, now, that's not 
nice. Papa spank. 

— Brown Bull 



Taxi Driver (accusing his car): Miguad what a 
clutch ! 

From Rp:ar Seat: What business is it of yours? 

— Yellow Jacket 



Paper City Engraving 
Company 



Edna: If you were a girl, you'd make a perfect 
Venus De Milo. 

Ed (trying to be funny, even after such a compli- 
ment): But I have my arms. 

Edna: Oh, have you? 

— Yellow Jacket 



Engravers of 
THE AGGIE SQUIB 



She met him in the darkened hall, 

He said, "I've brought you roses." 

Her answer was irrelevant, 

She said, "How cold your nose is." 

— ( 'olorado Dodo 



"1 am not much on women," said the evening 
gown to the slipper. 

— Crocker 



Holyoke - Massachusetts 

Radcliffe Building 




MICHAEL FARAPAY 
1791-1867 
Apprentice to an English book- 
binder. Attracted the atten- 
tion of Sir Humphrey Davy, 
becoming his assistant. "The 
greatest experimentalist of all 
times," says one biographer. 
The electrical unit Farad was 
named for him. 




In 1880 the Edison 
Electric Illuminating 
Company, of New York 
City, installed a genera- 
tor of 1200 lamps cap- 
acity, then considered 
a giant. By continuous 
experimentation and re- 
search the General 
Electric Company has 
developed generators 
900 times as powerful 
as this wonder of forty 
years ago. 



a 



What's the use of it?" 



Michael Faraday saw the real beginning 
of the age of electricity nearly a century 
ago when he thrust a bar magnet into a 
coil of wire connected with a galvanometer 
and made the needle swing. 

Gladstone, watching Faraday at work in 
his laboratory, asked, "What's the use of 
it?" The experimenter jestingly replied, 
"There is every probability that you will 
soon be able to tax it." The world-wide use 
of electricity that has followed the Faraday 
discovery abundantly justifies the retort 
to Gladstone. 

Faraday's theory of lines of force is con- 
stantly applied in the Research Laboratories 
of the General Electric Company in de- 
vising new electrical apparatus of which 
Faraday never dreamed. Every generator 
and motor is an elaboration of the simple 
instruments with which he first discovered 
and explained induction. 




AL ELECTRIC 




Arrow Collars 



Arrow on a starched or soft collar is A 

DEPENDABLE INDICATOR OF SMARTNESS AND SERVICE 

CLUETT, PEABODY & CO., Inc. , Makers , TROY, N.Y. 



*mm 





"""- ll)ffti.lNI 




Frosh 



UMBER 



Plymouth Inn Tea Room 
and Grill 



35 West St. 



Phone 953-W 



NORTHAMPTON 




"A Place to get Satisfaction" 




Homelike Atmosphere Excellent Cuisine 



1st Stude: What a dumb lecture! What time 
is it? 

2nd Stude: 20 to 12. 

3rd Stude (waking up): Hurrah! Who made the 
touchdowns? 

— Wisconsin Octopus 



AIN'T WAR — AWFUL? 

Lieutenant: Pick up the cadence! 
Rook: Pick it up yourself-- I didn't drop it. 

— Columns 



Prof: What's the difference between "You will 
call on a girl" and "You have called on a girl"? 
I. M. : Usually one frat pin. 

— Cracker 



THE FLYING CORPSE 

Small Boy: Aw, gee, pop, I don't like airplane 
chicken. 

Father: What do you mean by "airplane 
chicken"? 

Same Boy: \w. you know — all wings and no 
machinery. 

— Columns 



Big: What's the difference between moral and 
morale? 

W t ig : When you're afraid to do something because 
it's wrong — that's moral. And when you're not 
afraid to do it — that's morale. 

— Pitt Panther 



She (home for the holidays) : Oh, Jack, next month 
we're going to have a dance called "The Masquerade 
of Metals." Sarah is to be Miss Gold, Edith is to 
be Miss Silver, Constance is to be Miss Brass, and — 

He (interrupting) : iVnd what are you to represent? 

She (enthusiastically): I? Why I'm going to be 
Miss Lead. 

— Texas Ranger 



He thought he'd surely made a hit, 
When for his photograph she prayed, 

"Out when this calls," she wrote on it 
A.nd gave it to the maid. 

— Lord Jeff 

"My good man, you had better take the street 
car home." 

"Sh'no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me-hic- 
keep it-hic-in the house." 

— Bison 



Paper City Engraving 
Company 



Engravers of 
THE AGGIE SQUIB 



T 



Holyoke - Massachusetts 

Radcliffe Building 



Squibbie s 'Directory of 
Reading Firms 




Apologies to "C/iappie" 

J^tttle words of wisdom 
-JMake a student wiser; 

Take a tip from Squibbie — . 
]\now each advertiser! 

These are the establishments who have helped to 
make the Squib possible: 







Page 


1. 


American Writing Machine Co. 


19 


2. 


Andover Press 


5 


3. 


Boston Typewriter Co. 


20 


\. 


City Taxi 


19 


5. 


College Candy Kitchen 


22 


6. 


College Humor 


5 


7. 


College Studio 


22 


8. 


Corona Typewriting Co. 


21 


!). 


General Electric Co. Inside back 


cover 


10. 


Hastings, A. J. 


6 


11. 


Lowell, T. A. 


4 


12. 


Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 


4 


13. 


Paper City Engraving Co. Inside front 


cover 


14. 


Plymouth Inn Tea Room 


, t 


15. 


Sing Lee 


6 


16. 


Thompson, F. M. & Son 


3 



We aim to cooperate with our advertisers 



Soph: Have you ever taken anesthetics? 
Fresh: No; what hour does it come? 

— White Mule 



"Where ya been?" 

"To the movie to see Doug Fairbanks in 'Robin 
Hood'." 

"Stealin' from the Ku Klux Klan, huh?" 

— Mugwump 



First Burglar: Where ya been? 
Second Burglar: In a fraternity house. 
First Burglar: Lose anything? 

— Black and Blue Jay 



ACCORDING TO HOYLE 

"Well!" muttered father as the nurse brought in 
the newly arrived twins. "Here's where a pair 
makes a full house." 

— Columns 



REMEMBER 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

SELL 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 

Kirschbaum Clothes 

Arrow Shirts 

Lanpher Sheep Coats and Fur Coats 

H. & P. Gloves 

Interwoven Sox 

and anything else that well dressed 
College Men wear 

F. M. Thompson & Son 

Qlothes for Qollege ^Aten for Forty Tears 



James A. Lowell 

Bookseller 



PROMPT SERVICE 



Will order any book 
not in stock 



Fair Co-ed (to clerk in drug store): I'd like a 
diminutive, hollow, argintiferous, truncated cone, 
convex summit, with several cylindrical semi- 
perforated indentations. 

Now gentle reader, if you were the clerk what 
would you have gotten her? Well — to help you out 
we'll tell you the answer, she wanted a thimble. 

— Bean pot 



SOLVED AT LAST 

A flapper is a little bobbed-haired girl who paints, 
powders, and rouges her lips, and pencils her eye- 
brows, and they says, "Clothes, I'm going down 
town. Want to hang on?" 

—Witt 



Minister (at baptism of a baby) : His name please? 
Mother: Randolph Morgan Montgomery Alfred 
van Christopher McGoof. 

Minister (to assistant) : A little more water please. 

— Yellow Jacket 



Jack: May I ask you for this dance?" 
Jean: "Please do; I've been dying to refuse you 
all evening. 

—Pitt Panther 



Mother: Now, Dorothy, do you know what be- 
comes of bad little girls? 

Dot (hanging her head) : Yes'm, they have dates 
every night when they grow up. 

— Black and Blue Jay 



Hostess: Must you be going, Mr. Dugan? 
Absent-minded Radio Announcer: Er. yes, 
good night. WZOK signing off at 11.15 p. m. 

— Brown Jug 



Wife: Some day you're going to be mighty sorry 
you married me! 

Hubby: Some day? 

— Brown Jug 



A SAFETY SIGN 

"Jim, I see that your mule has U. S. branded on 
his right hind leg. I suppose he was an army mule 
and belonged to Uncle Sam." 

"No suh, dat U. S. don't mean nothin' 'bout 
Uncle Samuel. Dat's jess a warnin'. Dat U. S. 
jess stands fo' Un - Safe — 'at's all." 

— Bison 



Winchester 

Sporting Goods 

Athletic Goods 



Hardware 



The Mutual 

Plumbing and Heating Co. 
Amherst 



pppppppppppp 

? WHAT? WHEN? ? 

? 

? ? 
? ? 
? INQUISITIVE NUMBER ? 

? ? 

? ? 

? WHERE? HOW? ? 

???????????? 


TRIOLET 

"A little kiss when no one sees 
Where is the impropriety? 
How sweet amid the birds and bees, 
A little kiss when no one sees! 

If taken with sobriety; 
A little kiss when no one sees, 
Where is the impropriety?" 


Patrick: I have a fine job in a shirt factory now. 
Henry: Then why aren't you at work this after- 
noon? 

Patrick: Oh, we're making night shirts now. 

— Pith Panther 










<The ANDOVER PRESS 




He: Yes, I intend to graduate from Technology. 
Shr: Oh, I think it's wonderful for one to have 
his life work all planned. 

— Voo Doo 


PRINTERS PUBLISHERS 
STATIONERS 

SCHOOL and COLLEGE ANNUALS 
A SPECIALTY 


Headline: Lightning Knocks Man Out of Bed. 
We suppose he said, "All right, dear, I'll get right 
up. 

— Yellow Jacket 


"Mother, may I have a nickel to give to the old 
man who is crying outside?" 

"Why, certainly, dear; but what is he crying 
about?" 

"He's crying, 'Hot roasted peanuts, five cents 
a bag!'" 

— Wisconsin Octopus 


Press Building .:. Andover 


School Teacher: Now class, cross your "t's" 
but not your "i's." 

— Humbug 









COMPLETE ASSORTMENT 



OF 



FOUNTAIN PENS 

Moore 

Parker 

Waterman 
Dun 
and 

Sheaffer 

A. J. HASTINGS 

NEWSDEALER AND STATIONER 

Amherst, Mass. 



A PERFECT RECITATION 

Instructor est Veterinary Class: What would 
you do for a dog that was poisoned by strychnine? 

Student (who had not studied the assignment on 
antidotes for poisons): I would start digging a hole. 

— Green Gander 



Ham Actor (in melodramatic tones): The time is 
ripe; throw them in. 

Stude (in gallery) : Sam, he's calling for those 
tomatoes. 

— Cracker 



Mrs. Sambo: Sambo! Sambo, wake up. 
Sambo: I can't. 
Mrs. Sambo: Why can't you? 
Sambo: I ain't asleep. 

— Centre Colonel 



THE BULLY 

Little Girl (speaking in quivering voice to big, 
heavy-browed man with a glittering knife): Have you 
no heart? 

Man (growling) : No. 

Little Girl: Well, then, I'll take ten cents worth 
of liver. 

— Wisconsin Octopus 



LAUGHABLE 

Laugh and the world laughs with you, 
Laugh and you laugh alone; 
The first when the joke's the professor's, 
The last when the joke's your own. 

— Belle Hop 



Highbrow and Dignified Professor: I teach 
Philosophy and Ethics. And what do you teach? 
Fresh Young Teacher: Wops. 

— Beanpot 



CONSULT A MINISTER 

Now Gracie is my room-mate's girl, 
And she sure has a wonderful face — 

She vamped the frat pin off of me 

Would you say I had fallen from Grace? 

— Beanpot 



NO ROUGH TALK 

"And now, Johnny," said the teacher, "can you 
tell me what is raised in Mexico?" 

"Aw, go on!" replied the bright boy. "I know 
what you want me to say, but ma told me I should- 



n't talk rough." 



-Belle Hop 



SING LEE 

Hand Laundry 



Our laundry is first class 
our policy is guaranteed 
Repairing and all kinds 
of Washing done at rea- 
sonable prices. 



i Main St., 



Amherst, Mass. 



Opp. Postoffice 



jforetoorb 

to 1928 

Co tbe prehistoric college, 

in an abib searcb for tmotolebge 

Jfresbmen basteneb. 
Hearneb to pean tbe Jskontosaurus, 
&nb mbat is more important for us! 

^>opbomoreS cbasteneb 
Cill some apeman got ambitious 
&nb carbeb on a stone propitious 

Wqt first jofee: 
Wfjcn a Jfresfjman tooulb begin it 
J|e'b forgot, in just a minute, 

pones toere broke! 
&nb tobap tbe tbing continues; 
Cbougb be acbe in all bis sinetos 

&nb bis brain: 
"i£>quib" is bcre to help bim ligbten 
&ll bis tooes, bis life to brigbten 

(l^nce again! 



Frosh Number 



November, 1924 




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QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE 



MANAGING EDITOR 

M. T. BOYD, '26 



EDITOR-IX-CHIEF 

G. W. HANSCOMB, '25 



BUSINESS MANAGER 

V. PEIRCE, '2.5 



ART EDITOR 



H. E. FRASER, "26 



CIRCULATION MANAGER 

H. A. LIXDSKOG, '26 



ADVERTISING MANAGER 

B. A. NEEDHAM, '26 



LITERARY EDITOR 

E. F. WILLIAMS, '27 



ASSISTANT BUSINESS MANAGER 

H. H. RICHARDSON, '26 



ART DEPARTMENT 

A. MERLIXI, 27 



LITERARY DEPARTMENT 

J. F. LAMBERT, '26 



BUSINESS DEPARTMENT 

J. W. PARSONS, '27 



The Aggie Squib is published five times during the college year, by the students of the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
in the months of November, December, February, March and May. All business communications should be addressed to 
the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. Subscribers who do not receive 
copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Subscription price $1.25; single copies 25 
cents. Entered at the Amherst Post-office as second class matter. 



SUBSCRIBERS 

Any changes of address of subscribers should be reported to the Circulation Manager, 
copies are requested to notify him at once so that proper delivery can be made. 



Those not receiving 



TV /JAY I cut in?" said the surgeon as he started 



to operate. 



ACCORDING to some cynics of the weaker 
sex, so-called, it is no error if the zoologist 
designates man as Homo sap. 



THE SQUIB 



1928 
1V/TAGNIFICENT 

/^ ourageous 
IV /f ilitant 
^T' perts 
"\^ellently 
"\ Versed 

I" 

I ronical 

I ncidents 

(the paddles, boys ) 




THE LITTLE SHAVER 



HflHAT certainly is a dirty underhanded game." 



"What is?" 
Horseshoes." 



HAMM: A frieght ear don't need no engine to 
make it go. 
Neggs: How's that? 
Hamm: The freight makes the cargo. 



I AST night a pretty girl asked me if I wanted 



a kiss?" 
"Did you accept the offer?" 
"No, I woke up." 



VISITOR to the Weather Office: Can you 
tell me where the weather man is? 
Office Helper: Yes, he is down stairs getting a 
shower. 



\\ 7HY do I love you? You ask with your lips 

T V On my cheek — 

It's not your face, your line, not even you — 
It's your technique! 



w 



E know a fellow who is so dumb he thinks 
a bridle path leads to the altar. 



NEW BOOKS IN THE LIBRARY 

THE Fatal Step", by Bob D'Hare 
"The Last Kiss", by Justin Tyme 
'Locked Out", by the Two Leight Sisters 
'The Open Door", by Wilder Hall 
'Why Study?", by Otto Nekke 
'Parlor Etiquette", by Treat M. Ruff 
'Sweet Words", by Onle Bull 
'A Woman's Right", by Knox M. Dedd 
'How to Study", by Usa Trotte 
'One More Kiss", by Shay King Keyes 



THE SQUIB 



IT DOESN'T PAY 



Characters: Freshman. 
Co-ed. 
Sophomore. 

Place: Campus. 
Time: Any evening. 



OWED TO THE TREASURER 

LITTLE fees and taxes, 
Little books to sell, 
Make a college student 
Opulent as John D. would be if he were broke. 



Scene I 

Frosh: "May I?" . 
Co-ed: "You may." 

Scene II 

Frosh (sitting down): Isn't the moon lovely? 
Co-ed: Yes, and what a fine night. 
Soph: It sure is. 

Scene III 

Soph: Isn't the moon lovely? 
Co-ed: Yes, and what a fine night. 
Frosh (sorrowfully from a distance) : Was. 

(the end) 



HE: Her lips are like an uncut Garnet. 
Another He: What do you mean? — rough 
or red? 



AND how did the physics prof, look when he 
entered the room? 
Why, he looked like any good instructor should 
before giving an exam. 
And how is that? 

Simply this. He came to the physical quizz with 
a quizzical phizz. 



OH Frosh, Beware 
That baby stare, 
Beware that co-ed blond. 
The Bible says 
The woman pays 
But you go in the pond! 



\\ 7ELL, I'll be jiggered," said the old man as 



he mounted the horse for the first time. 



R 



ECENTLY we discovered the counterpart of 
the lounge lizzard. The lounge lizzie. 



s 



IM: Why do they call that man the big cheese? 
Sam: Because he's so holy. 




"When a Feller Needs a Friend." 



THE SQUIB 




Editorials 



^^■THE Board wishes to do a little protesting. 

/ \ j We can't please all of the college all of the time. We do our best, but the best is not good 
^^^ enough for you. Now publishing a college funny paper is no joke. The funny material 
turned in is apt to border on the risque, and has to be carefully censored. If the censoring is 
too careful, Squib comes out and a howl goes up simultaneously. "Why don't you get out some snappy 
stuff? Squib's dead. It's nothing but a Sunday School leaflet. Look at the Purple Caterpillar. Why can't 
you go and put out some peppy stuff like that? You're rotten!" 

So the next time the pictures pep up and a few wise cracks slip by the censor, and what happens? 
Another howl of "How do you get that way? Squib's the limit. Why don't you get some funny stuff that 
wasn't dragged out of the garbage pail, like the Purple Caterpillar has? You're rotten!" 

We ask you, what to do? A man carrying two tons of dynamite over a tight rope with a den of 
lions and a tank of crocodiles below has a peaceful stroll in comparison with our march between the desert 
wastes of Too Good and the quicksands of Too Bad. How about helping us? Turn in the funny stuff you 
hear or pull or think of. Give us material that you like, and we will give you a Squib you will like even 
better. 



^^d WONDER - - Yes, we are all wondering. The Seniors are wondering if they can raise a moustache. 
Jk I Some have succeeded, others have done their best. They are wondering if the lower class men 
"1 will laugh at their vain attempts to raise one. At least they hope not. " I wonder if the f rosh 
will salute me if I haven't one — gosh, I hope so. I might wear my numerals, they they'll recog- 
nize me — but still I can wear my senior hat, it looks rather shabby --oh well, if they don't recognize me 
and don't salute maybe some soph will warn them — I'll let it go at that." Then we have the Juniors — yes, 
the invincible and sophisticated sophs of yesterday -- with no studying to do. "I wonder if I can date up 
that girl over the mountain. I wonder if that is the right number? - - Yup it is and she is there — they are 
calling her — ooh I can hear her coming. Oh Hello, Sis, — How are you? -- have a good summer — I wonder 
if you know who this is — no — not him — Yup now you have me — quit your kidding — Say, I wonder 
if I can come over to-nite — all right seven-thirty — Bye. " So he wondered until he saw her. Then the Soph, 
yes, the ex-service man of the freshman class. Hard -- hard-boiled, tough, fearless — he wonders, too, 
"Can I pass physics? Chem? Botany? English? Sure I can, but I wonder if that freshman has a match. 
Hey freshman, gotta a match, Used them up in Chemistry, hey? What's your name? — Smith? — Well 
which one?" The poor Freshman: we can't forget him. He wonders if he will get a pond party. "I wonder 
if I was supposed to salute him — guess not -- he looks like a two year -- 1 wonder if I'll get that check 
from home — I wonder if I can pass that study — Gee it's tough." The Profs, too, are wondering — what? 
well guess. But most of all you are wondering what the Squib will be like. The Board isn't wondering — 
we know — it will be a wonder. However, even if we are all wondering — we welcome you frosh and wish 
you the best of luck at Aggie. 




MORAL TO FRESHMEN 

Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth. 



THE SQUIB 



I 



DANCING WITH AN UNKNOWN 

NTRODUCTION. Start to dance. 
Silence. 5 minutes. 

"Good music, isn't it?" 

"Yes, very good." 

Silence. 2 minutes. 

"It must be deadly to be a ehaperone. " 

"Wouldn't you hate to have to watch the dancing 
for a whole evening?" 

Silence. 3 minutes. 

Bump ! 

"Sorry." 

"That's all right." 

Silence. 1 minute. 

"Do you live near here?" 

"I'm from Boston." 

"Oh yes, Boston." 

Silence. 2 minutes. 

"I met an awfully attractive man from here last 
summer — Harry Green, his name was. Did you 
ever know him?" 

"Green? Harry Green? Don't think so — what 
was he, a graduate? Wait a minute, I used to know 
an Arthur Green. Are you sure it wasn't Arthur?" 

"He called himself Harry." 

"Oh." 

Silence. 2 minutes. 

"That was a good dance. Let's try and find our 
partners." 

"Yes, let's." 

Silence. Search. 

Both (relieved): "Oh, there you are! We've 
had such a nice dance!" 




ROMANCE 

"\7"OU said you'd treasure every word I wrote, 

And in some scented sanctuary hide 
Each tender missive, every hurried note: 

You kept your pledge, that can not be denied. 

Yet now, dear, I am ready to regret 

Such deep devotion as you made endure. 

My letters were not worth it, — tho, my pet, 

They'll help your breach-of-promise suit, I'm sure. 



SHE : How remarkable ! You say you were never 
in a canoe before, yet you handle a paddle like 
a veteran. Where did you ever learn it! 

He: Well, you see, I was once a Sophomore at 
college. 



FNVENTORY of a Humorist who is trying to in- 
vent a joke that no one ever heard before and 
every one will like : 

Loss — One gross manila paper 
Six lead pencils 
Four sleepless nights 
A normal appetite 
A good disposition 
Gain — Nothing 



THE SQUIB 



DELETED DITTIES 

Note: The censorship is becoming more and more rigid. In order to comply with all state and Federal 
laws, we are leaving these poems blank where they are at all questionable. We do not recommend your 
filling in these blanks with an unauthorized version. 



1 . The man who kisses 
Then goes to tell, 
Will eventually 
Go to 



He kissed her once 
Or maybe twice, 

Then said to her 
''Your kiss is 



2. I tried to date her 
After chapel. 
She only said 
" Aren't you an— 



Miss? 

Bliss. 
Wife? 



Confidential Information (we will furnish the correct answers to the above only on the condition 
that you never mention it. You probably won't anyway). 
Answer to 1. His fraternity house. Guess again! 

2. "Angel to ask me." Get that one? 

3. Ice. Unlikely, of course. 

4. You win on this one. Strife. 



SWEET Young Thing (watching a football game): QHE: It's only six o'clock and I told you to come 
"What are those men jumping on each other ^3 after supper." 
for, they're not fighting are they?" He: That's what I come after. 

Disgusted Escort: Oh, no. Some one dropped 
a quarter and each one is trying to get to it first." c 



FROSH (at the frat) : Why do these floors need to 
be washed so often? 



House Manager: Because they are made of 
Scrub pine. 



MR. I. M. SOHR will now sing a ballad en- 
titled, "I Call My Room-mate Pansy 
'Cause He Takes Up All the Bed. " 



CO-ED Frosh : Bill says I'm like the girl on the 
magazine cover. 
Co-ed Soph: He sees you only once a month is 
why. 

S 



HE: Are you going out tonight? 
She: No! Why? 
He: Let's go out. 

She: Why, we were out last night. 
He: Yeh, but let's go out and get acquainted. 



ROSHANARA crepe 
Is the stuff for fussing. 
It never shows 
So the ad goes 
The slightest signs of mussing. 



THE SQUIB 



I KNOW a girl 
Who paints 
And she certainly 
Can draw 
Men. 



SHE: Have you any friends in the Navy? 
He: Oh, yes, gobs and gobs. 



DUF: Those Squibs are darned funny --they 
won't burn in the fire. 
Olaf: No wonder — you fool, they are made of 
asbestos. 

Duf: Huh, that's news to me, why do they make 
them with asbestos? 

Olaf: So that the hot jokes can not set the paper 
on fire. 



A SEA-SONG 

A BELL buoy leads a placid life. 
He is tipped by all the 
Swells of the ocean. 
And has nothing to do but 
Crab the game of 

All the sharks that try to get away with 
The ocean current-cy. 
If the oysters sleep 
In one of the ocean beds 
He always makes them shell out 
Afterwards — 

And he never goes anywhere 
Without a porpoise. 
If he ever gets bored 
He can get up a flirtation 
With a passing Cetacean, 
And have 
A whale of a time. 
Yes, 

On the whole a bell buoy 
Leads a placid life. 



SOMETHING every woman has to decide for 
herself: which ice-cream flavor. 



WHY won't Alice speak to George?" 
"She told him she was going to drop in the 
barber shop and get her head shingled." 
"What's the matter with that?" 
"Nothing only he said she didn't need to — a 
good solid piece of wood would last for years just 
as it was." 



BESIDE the silent telephone 
The homely damsel waits: 
And waits and waits and waits and waits 
And waits and waits. 

No dates! 



SAY, Bill, you're a Radio fan, did you ever 
think you got Mars?" 
Sad Lover: No, but I've often received Pa's. 




TIS better to have loved and lost 
Than loved, married, and been bossed. 



THE SQUIB 



RAZZ; His line is so weak that it wouldn't hold 
up a shirt. 
Razzer: Nor hang a skirt, either. 



SHE may be tall and lank and lean, 
But she can love like a sheikerine. 



OUR LAST RETREAT 

THEY took up our golf and tennis, 
They put on our sport pants. 
They wear our one-piece bathing suits 
And even ask us to dance. 



THE dashing romeo had gone to call on his girl, 
Beatrice. 
After a while her mother, who could not see all 
there was to be seen said, "Mr. Jackson, there is a 
bee on your back." 

"Oh! No!" said little brother, "Bea's in his lap." 



They're drinking, and smoking our cigarettes, 

And now they carry our canes 

To swagger up and down the street 

And kick if we complain. 

But worst of all the things they've done, 
They've taken our barber chair. 
Our best and last retreat is gone 
For now they've cut their hair. 



S 



H 



E (over the phone) : What time are you expecting 
me? 

She (icily) : I'm not expecting you at all. 
He: Then I'll surprise you. 



LAST NIGHT 

SHE was lying down beside me 
As she often did at night, 
Nestling near and softly breathing, 
Sitting in the dim moonlight. 

Reaching forth I drew her closer 
Giving her a fond caress, 
There has nothing been so faithful 
As my father's bird-dog "Bess". 




English Student (taking returned theme to the 
prof) : What does this word mean, sir? I can't 
make it out. 

Prof (after five minutes scrutiny) : Illegible, young 
man, your theme is illegible. 



YOUNG man, can I get into the park through 
that gate? 
Guess so lady, I just saw a load of hay go through. 



PROF: Now, gentlemen, this machine on the 
table is used for milking cows. 



Frosh : I thought the calf did that. 



TF a man cut his foot with an axe would you say 



he'd had an accident? 



THE SQUIB 



A ] 



RMS and the man I sing" 
But not for war! 
That's not what most men 
Use their arms for. 



DUMB: See the cute little mouses. 
Bell: Mice, mice, you dumb egg. Speak 
correctly. 

Dumb (a little later): Oh! see those beautiful hice. 
Bell: Houses, houses, you thick dodo. Speak 
correctly. 




THE FUSSER 

HE sat on the bank of the murmuring stream 
with her in his arms, crushing her lithe body 
to his breast. Her soft, jet black hair felt deliriously 
refreshing against his hot face. He stroked it with 
his hand, admiring its fluffy fragrance, whispering 
sweet nothings into her tiny ear. 

Not far away sat her mother, complacently 
watching the two, apparently not objecting in the 
least to the petting party. Finally, however, she 
strode over to the happy pair, and with a gentle 
p-r-rm! called her kitten to join her. 



S 



MAY: If 32 is freezing point, what is squeezing 
point?" 
Bee: Two in the shade. 



GETTING married three or four times is O.K. 
on earth but it must be tough when you meet 
the Wives in Heaven or Hades. 



1 



JUST ANOTHER DIRTY JOKE 

ST FAIR ONE: What was it Dick said they 

teach in Agronomy? 
2nd Fair One: Dirt and how to sling it. 



STUDE {reading sign, "Gentlemen and Ladies 
Accommodated'') : I guess we've hit the wrong 
place. 



TT^WAS midnight in the parlor, 

'Twas darkness every where; 
The silence was suddenly broken 
By a thud upon a chair. 
Then everything was quiet, 
Not a thing was stirring there, 
When again the silence lifted, 
And upright stood my hair. 
I didn't have the courage 
To open up the door, 
For I could hear them scrimmage, 
And then a scream — much lower. 
Courage then came slowly to me 
And I opened up the door, 
And there was the cat, 
Wrestling wildly with a rat, 
In the middle of the floor! 



THE SQUIB 




"Young man," said the irate old gentleman at 
the lunch counter, to the youth who was inhaling 
his soup with a gurgling sound and splashing it 
about the while, "What are you? A Colorado 
geyser?" 

"Naw," answered the soup juggler, "I'm a Fresh- 
man guy, sir." — Yellow Jacket 

S 

Teacher: Johnny, where's your grammar? 
Johnny: She's at home in bed with a bad cold. 

— Centre Colonel 

S 

Frater: This bootleg stuff they're selling nowa- 
days sure is terrible. A brother of mine took one 
drink and began to sell pink elephants at $200 
apiece. 

Fratess: And? 

Frater: Then I took a drink and bought half a 
dozen . — Wa mpus 

S 

Blondie: No, dear friend, nothing but the sun 
can come between us. 

Brunette: Whose son? — Centre Colonel 



LINES FROM A BACHELOR 

From an Engineer's Exam Paper: Milton was 
married, but his wife left him, so he wrote Paradise 
Regained. After a while she came back, so he 
wrote Paradise Lost. — Green Gander 

S 

Druggist: Do you wish Mennens talcum? 
Customer: Nein, damn itt, vimmens! 

— Lord Jeff 
S 
Mary: Would you marry for money? 
Marie: Well, marrying for love is a cents-less 
proposition. — Bean Pot 



"Miss Jones has absolutely no backbone, has she?" 
"I haven't danced with her yet." — Bison 

S 
He: Dearest! I love you so! I'd gladly die for 
you! Would you die for me?" 

She: Of course, John darling! I'm sick of being 
blonde, anyhow! Would you prefer a henna dye? 

— Brown Jug 
S 
OH, SO FAMILIAR! 
Cop (to fair one): Say, the next time you fail to 
stop at my signal, I'll pinch you. 

Fair One (coloring) : Sir, how dare you. 

— Pitt Panther 
S 
She's a very naughty girlie, 

And the skirt she wears is shocking, 
I can read the serial numbers 

On the bank notes in her stocking. 

— Brown Jug 
S 
He: May I hold your hand? 
She: No — my foot. You'll get more of a kick! 

— Goblin 
S 
WHY I DON'T DATE 

1. It takes time from my studies. 

2. I don't think it right to squander an allow- 
ance foolishly. 

3. Men are more companionable and better pals. 

4. Dates make me sleepy the next day. 

5. I enjoy just staying home and reading. 

6. Xobody will go out with me. — Octopus 

S 
FASHION NOTE 
Many an alley cat can look at a swell ermine coat 
and say: "There goes papa." — Outlaw 

S 
"Why do they call this Turkish cigar Cleo?" 
"Because its wrapper is missing." - — Octopus 



"What were you doing last summer?" 

"Working on a ship's camisole. " 

"What's that?" 

"Oh, the rigging that covers the upper deck." 

— Yellow Crab 



"Yes, I've quit the hold-up game, 
I'll hang 'round joints no more," 

So with a sigh, and a faint little cry, 
The garter stretched out on the floor. 

— Bean Pot 



The butcher found a homeless dog 

A worthless little bum; 
And, as he led him home, he said: 

"The wurst is yet to come." 

—Centre Colonel 



AN IDIOTIC AFFAIR 

"Am I to understand that there is some idiotic 
affair between you and that young officer who comes 
around here?" 

"Only you, papa dear!" — Bell Hop 



Mr. Prouty: These fishballs have a decidedly 
metallic flavor this morning, Nora. What did you 
make them of?" 

Nora: Swordfish, sorr. — Lord Jeff 



"I'd love to go in swimming!" exclaimed the 
sweet, young thing, "but I haven't got any bathing 
suit with me." 

"Oh, that's all right," said her companion, 
"that's only a small thing." 

— Black and Blue Jay 



Mary had a little lamb, 
But that is not the half, 
We see without a diagram 
She had a little calf. 



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PHONE 96 



"An old stall," muttered the horse as the groom 
backed him into the stable. — Humbug 



"Try some celery, dear?" 

"Thanks, darling, I'll bite on anything once." 

—Octopus 



Prof : This is the third time that you have looked 
on Smith's paper. 

Stude: Yes, sir, he doesn't write very plainly. 

-Witt 



Mama: Come here, Willie, and kiss the nice lady. 
Willie: I won't, she's a naughty lady. If I 
kissed her she'd slap me, same as she did papa. 

— Le Rire (Paris) 



"NOW I LAY ME" 

Dear Lord, forgive us for our sins- 
All those we would commit, 

If money, opportunity, 

And time would but permit. 



-Dodo 



"George gave me his pin last night." 

"What happened?" 

"My room-mate placed it immediately." 



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WE KNOW SOME 

We deeply sympathize with the absent-minded 
professor who cleaned the cat's teeth one night, 
and then kicked himself out the back door. 

— Carnegie Puppet 



GIDDAP 

Teacher: And where was Sheridan when he took 
his famous twenty-mile ride? 

Voice from Back of Room: On a horse! 

— Punch Bowl 



OF COURSE 

Two tourists stood on the brink of the Grand 
Canyon, staring fixedly at a natural rock formation 
in the shape of a figure 7 which was outlined on the 
opposite wall of the canyon. One of the men ex- 
claimed, "Fer cripes sakes, Bill, who put that 
number up there?" "Don't show your ignorance," 
replied his companion. "They put that number 
up there to show people that this is the seventh 
wonder of the world." — Lampoon 



RECIPROCITY 

The Colonel: Confound it, sir, you nearly hit 
my wife! 

Mr. Miggs: Did I? Well, have a shot at mine!" 

— Goblin 



Clothier: Anything I can do for you? 
Fratter: Have you any nice w T hite shirts? 
Clothier: A whole store full. 
Fratter: Well, go and put one on. — Siren 



HAWKSHAW HIMSELF 

The famous detective arrived at the scene of the 
crime. 

"Heavens," he cried, "this is more serious than 
I thought. The window has been broken on both 
sides." —Ski-U-Mdh 



"Get away from me you two-faced thing," said 
the Edison disc to the Victor Record. — Punch Boivl. 



"I hope your little boy never tells a lie." 
"I don't know. I do know that at times he tells 
a lot of embarrassing truths." — Bell Hop 



Coe: Those twins manage very well without a 
mirror in their room. 

Ed. : How come? 

Coe: They just face each other to comb their 
hair. — Sniper 



A secret is that which you tell one person at a 
time. — Bell Hop 



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AGGIE MEN 

FOR 

That Sunday Night Supper 

OR FOR 

A Bite in-between-times 

VISIT 

THE 

College Candy Kitchen 

The Best in Lunches. Candy. Sodas. lee Cream and 
Smokers' Supplies 


RING OFF 

She rung me on the telephone. 
She wrung her hands — I was not home. 
She wrung from me my hard earned jack. 
I rung her finger — but she gave it back. 

— Octopus 


Mrs. Xoah: Xoah, dear, what makes the elephant 
act so queerly? 

Xoah: The poor devil has both the fleas. 

— Witt 


Old Maid (finding man under her bed): Help! 
Help! 

Voice Without: Help what? 
Old M\id: Help me keep him! 

— Brown Bull 


Moses: This is a deuce of a fix. How am I going 
to get out of here? 

St. Peter: Xow none of your darn miracles — 
play straight golf. 


"But, Irene, on what grounds does your father 
object to me?" 

"On any "rounds within a mile of our house." 

— Yellow Jacket 


Englishman: What's the best way to make an 
Englishman happy in his old age? 
All- American: Tell him a joke when he's young. 

First Moron: I hear O'Brian's wife just got a 
divorce for incompatibility. 

Secoxd Morox: Well, my wife couldn't. We 
combat daily. 

— Harvard Lampoon 


Modern Photograper 

Portrait designs to bring out vour 
likeness distinctly. We use mod- 
ern, artificial lights; the same as 
are used in modern picture 
studios. 

Open 8 A. M. to 8 P. M. 

241 Main St. Tel. 1970 

Northampton, Mass. 


Jaxe: I'll marry a self-made man or none. 
Mary: But think of the trouble of making him 
over. — L ife 


"Bill, who's that red-faced guy over there?" 
"Oh, that's Walter Slats. He didn't always look 

that way, but his garter broke at the Junior Prom, 

and now he has a permanent blush." 

— Humbug 


"How do you like the Flatiron sisters?" 
"Very much, but they're hard to handle when 
they get hot." 

— Brown Jug 


" Binks and Jinks had quite a race over Betty." 
"Yes, Jinks won by a neck." 

— Centre Colonel 




Thomas A. Edison and Charles P. Steinmetz in the Schenectady 
laboratories of the General Electric Company, where Dr. Steinmetz 
did his great work 



Steinmetz 




Emerson tells how the mass of 
men worry themselves into 
nameless graves, while now 
and then a great, unselfish soul 
forgets himself into immor- 
tality. One of the most inspir- 
ing influences in the life of a 
modern corporation is the 
selfless work of the scientists 
in the laboratories, which it 
provides ior their research. 



If you are interested to learn 
more about what electricity is 
doing, write for Reprint No. 
AR391 containing a complete 
set of these advertisements. 



GENE 




GENERAL 



ELECTRIC 



The spirit of Dr. Steinmetz kept his 
frail body alive. It clothed him with 
surpassing power; he tamed the light- 
ning and discharged the first artificial 
thunderbolt. 

Great honors came to him, yet he 
will be remembered not for what he 
received, but for what he gave. 
Humanity will share forever in the 
profit of his research. This is the 
reward of the scientist, this is endur- 
ing glory. 

95-940DH 

ELECTRIC 



c o : I P A N Y, 



SCHENECTADY 



NEW 



O R «. 



J 





■ 








ill Pjgtt 


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